WAW in Los Angeles

[wawinla]

Wow
Spousal support?! Go for it! I'm sure plenty of LBS who were left in financial ruin will be rooting for you!!

Maybe I'm feeling jerkish today, but get a fat settlement, use it to buy a new car, get the better job, then go ahead and have the life she wants for yourself. If she ever asks thank her for showing you there is a better life than what you had and for showing you she was too selfish of a person to share it with.

Ok all silliness aside, your W is hardcore MLC, and you know what MLC's are not bad, as long as you don't forget those that have been with you all along. Tossing people aside is selfish, maybe it's time to consider at least beginning the road to moving on.

GB:

This has been the hardest part...how she can forget that I've been there all along. She turns this into, "I should have left you sooner, but I felt obligated/guilty." That's convenient now that she's at where she's at.

I've thought about moving on. All signs point in that direction, but I want to be able to look in the mirror and know that I tried everything to make it work. As you've pointed out, my WAW is deep into her MLC, so it doesn't look promising but I'll keep at it but must protect myself and end my pattern of being a NG.

[wawinla]

She hasn't been part of the process at all, all part of her "Eat, Pray, Love" and not wanting to deal with the reality of the situation. I'm not happy with how this will affect me financially, but she's adamant on being okay with the consequences.

So she wants all the 'freedom' of D, but none of the responsibilities?

Yes...no responsibilities.

Since we've had minimal contact during the separation (hard to believe that it's been seven months), I find myself getting emotional when we do see each other. I have to remind myself that I need just be who I am now. Someone who understands and owns the mistakes they made in the relationship. And since the separation, working on becoming the person I was before with the added insights from the current sitx.

Well.. the same advice I gave to Val could apply for you.

First few times I saw my WAW after she said she wanted D, I had to train my mind for it. Visualization, pre-loaded decision making, and even remembering to eat something with sugar in it about 10 minutes before she came over (helps w/ self-control over a short term period).

There is a great book called Succeed by Dr. Heidi Grant Halvorsen. It has a lot of useful tools for this kind of thing.

Appreciate the input...will apply today.

I know when I see her this weekend, I'll be re-playing in my mind on how did I end up here?

It can be healthy to reflect on things, but at what point do you start to move forward and figure out where you want to be right now?

I think we all do this to some extent.. it would take remarkable impulse control not to reflect.. but what is, is. It may not be exactly what you think it is.. but something is happening right now and you have to choose to be the man you want to be in that moment.

I agree. It's hard not to dwell on the past.

Interestingly the few times I've interacted with my WAW, I've taken this attitude and she get's very angry. Specifically, I acknowledge and validate issues in our relationship and she sees 180's in these areas. She gets quite angry and says "why didn't you do this sooner", "it's too late", or "great that you've changed but I have to deal with the scorched earth you've left behind".

When my WAS has asked how I'm doing, I get the sense she's asking because she's not happy with the thought of paying me spousal support. For me, my mind runs too I paid for your Ivy League MBA, stop playing victim.

I get this 100%. Thats a consequence for her leaving after taking advantage of what the M had to offer her. Its something you are rightly entitled to.. if you wish to take it.

I wrestle with this. If I ask, will likely end all chances of R, or protect myself. My friends say she's gone, let it go, you have to protect yourself and not let her manipulate you into not taking what's rightfully yours.

Been boxing up and getting things organized for the inevitable move to an apartment. This process has been difficult, letting go of a life that is now gone. The reality and finality of it all...quite sobering.

It's change. Finality.. reality.. those tend to be heavily influenced by our perception, which is heavily influenced by our thinking.

This year could be the start of the best your life has ever been. Can't know for sure either way...

Positive mindset!

"she's blaming you for her past unhappiness and relishing her new life".

If that's the case, she is missing the point of what Jobs was trying to say.[/quote]

Sad that I'm being demonized.

[Valeska19]

Just thinking about you WAW.
((()))

[wawinla]

Journal:

I met my WAW wife last weekend. She stated again her objectives regarding the unwinding of our M. Namely, she is fine with whatever the financial consequences are with walking away from our home/condo, she needs to move on. I don't agree, but after consulting L, there isn't much I can do and am resigned to letting her get what she wants while doing my best to minimize "damage" to me.

What differed about this meeting than past visits, was the emotion I saw from my WAW. She seemed sad. She hugged me several times, said "I love you", and stated it's a shame you didn't wake up sooner as I wouldn't have taken this course of action.

Since the visit, I've been tortured by our conversation. She said her friends are pushing her to date and she's been hesitant. She said all the men that have expressed interest in her have been younger, so she feels like a cougar. Her mindset is she needs to be alone and enjoys being able to live her life without having to consider someone else needs/feelings. She's taking each situation on a case by case basis.

She told me about the usual office politics at her job. This is important since she's never been happy there and I sensed that once she is "free" from the obligations of M, she will look to leave. This is a pattern with my WAS, she's extremely intelligent and gets frustrated in her professional life when dealing with folks who are not as competent as her.

My WAS also told me that she reached out to her estranged family for the first time in 12 years. She told me that she would see them next year upon completion of some personal things she needs to take care of. Translation--she wants the D finished before seeing them. Her timeline for the D is to have it completed before the end of this year.

The point to this? She's doesn't seem happy, but is "happy" that she is in "control" of her future on her own terms.

I've been on emotional rollercoaster since the visit. Getting up in the morning has been a chore and I've been melancholy since. I've also had bouts of anger, since nothing is irrevocable and so it seems like a throw away line for her to say "if you had awoken sooner".

My friends say she's emotionally manipulating mr to get what she wants from the settlement. Moreover she's too caught up in her MLC and that it'll be awhile before she wakes up (if she wakes up) and that I need to move on.

She's coming again this weekend to sort through her belongings and to throw away things. We've obviously acquired quite a bit of stuff after being together for almost 20 years -- things from college, grad school etc. I plan on being positive and not emotional (not sad or angry).

I thought I had done an okay job with detaching, but I guess not.

[greenblue90]

Reconnecting with family after not talking to them for 12 years?!

Too bad you changed too late?

Afraid of the cougar label?!

She misses and loves you?

Ok it COULD be a game, but you're not going to fall for that right....

Because if you did it would prove to her what a pushover you are and why you are not a worthy mate.

On the other hand she may be finally realizing that the grass really isn't greener. Listen your detachment is working on her, even if not for you. Keep it up. Show yourself and her that unlike her you can find your own happiness, don't be surprised when she comes running to you because she sees how together you have it while she squandered everything and found herself just a miserable.

[Valeska19]

I'm sorry you feel tortured WAW. Those are alot of hard things to hear.

She has given you plenty of "cheese" hasn't she. It would be so easy to just jump on that hamsterwheel and go to town.

Try not to stay off of it as much as possible. She has a bunch of thoughts going through her head.. and she felt comfortable to share that with you.

My w did that too.

Don't make my mistake of attaching hope and expectation to those words. Or attaching the "why's" to some of her actions.

Don't over think your conversation WAW.

As for your friends.. yeah mine says that too. It may be true, but the truth is I don't know, they don't know... and sometimes I even think my w doesn't even know.

So what good does it do to think the worst of her? Now if that is what she is showing you - that is another thing.

Remember - Believe none of what your w says and 50% of what she does.

I mentioned something on IS thread that bares repeating. If you keep working on you and she notices..eventually the reasons she left you turn into excuses for not dealing with herself. Otherwise why leave you? She will either come up with new reasons or dig deep inwards for the answer.

Until the 2nd happens, she most likely won't move towards you.

Keep working on you. Look for any valid points she may brought up in the conversation and see if you want to tackle them.

Keep on..keeping on.

((( )))

[wawinla]

Reconnecting with family after not talking to them for 12 years?!

Too bad you changed too late?

Afraid of the cougar label?!

She misses and loves you?

Ok it COULD be a game, but you're not going to fall for that right....

Appreciate the encouragement. I must not get sucked into the drama. My friends mentioned that her FB is littered with attention seeking.

Because if you did it would prove to her what a pushover you are and why you are not a worthy mate.

Not being a "nice guy"?

On the other hand she may be finally realizing that the grass really isn't greener. Listen your detachment is working on her, even if not for you. Keep it up. Show yourself and her that unlike her you can find your own happiness, don't be surprised when she comes running to you because she sees how together you have it while she squandered everything and found herself just a miserable.

She's showing signs, but we'll see.

GB...thanks again for checking in!

[wawinla]

Try not to stay off of it as much as possible. She has a bunch of thoughts going through her head.. and she felt comfortable to share that with you.

My w did that too.

Don't make my mistake of attaching hope and expectation to those words. Or attaching the "why's" to some of her actions.

V...as always, grateful for your insight/input.

That's part of being tortured, wanting to hope, but my brain realizing that nothing's really changed.

[quote]
Don't over think your conversation WAW.

Remember - Believe none of what your w says and 50% of what she does.

It's challenging walking the line between detachment and not getting drawn into the emotions.

I mentioned something on IS thread that bares repeating. If you keep working on you and she notices..eventually the reasons she left you turn into excuses for not dealing with herself. Otherwise why leave you? She will either come up with new reasons or dig deep inwards for the answer.

Until the 2nd happens, she most likely won't move towards you.

Definitely true. I sensed that last week particular evident with statements such as "it's too late".

Keep working on you. Look for any valid points she may brought up in the conversation and see if you want to tackle them.

Keep on..keeping on.

Thanks V. I hope you're hanging in there too.

[wawinla]

Journal:

My WAW came over yesterday. I thought she would be over for awhile, but left after 45 minutes. We discussed further her goals of walking away from home/condo...didn't make much progress. Then she went upstairs and spent only 15 minutes going through some items and then left.

It was evident she didn't want to be here. She was out late the night before and tired but also the reality of sorting through her stuff was a little daunting.

She again gave me a hug when she arrived was cordial/borderline friendly. Is she softening? Not really. Nothing has changed regarding the D and sadly the process unwinds as it unwinds. It's clear that she wants to move on as quickly. It's becoming more evident to me that she believes being on her own will make her happy, but that's fools gold and I think she knows that to a certain extent, but it will not dissuade her from her original goal. It's sad to be left behind, to not be part of her journey.

Intellectually I "understand" it, but I wish my emotions could catch up.

[wawinla]

Journal:

I received a marriage settlement agreement from my WAW a few weeks ago for review. At the same time, I've been dealing with a short sale on our home while still searching for my next gig. In between packing up the house and the practical matters at hand, it's been a rough few weeks.

Re: the marriage settlement agreement, there are still several issues where my WAW and I disagree. Interestlingly she included spousal support, something she was vehmently against when I brought it up when she first moved out 8 months ago...hard to believe it's been that long. As Aeo and Val have recently experienced, I'm bracing for the inevitable as their is no signs of R. I've been GAL and moving forward, but the finality of the sitx is staring me in the face as I negotiate our separation. And with that comes an avalanche of emotions.

Our interaction is minimal at best, only when there are issues surrouding the D or the sale of the house. She let me know yesterday that she had issues with her car last Thursday (coolant light) and since it's old (10 years) and she no longer felt like getting it repaired, she went out and bought a new car this weekend. She's always wanted a Mini-Cooper so she did. Is that a metaphor or what?

Interestingly, tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. She needed to bring over the signed home sales listing agreement so we're having dinner together tomorrow. It'll be our first time out together since the separation. Is it unhealthy to have dinner with her? Ironically the hotel where we were married 5 years ago shutdown shortly thereafter for remodeling and just re-opened this month. Is it unwise to have dinner there? There is a strange symmetry I guess with the timing in light of our current sitx.

When we speak, it's evident to me that she's still holds onto what she needs to justify her actions. For instance, "I got a Mini-Cooper, but I know you were always eyeing an SUV for me"...translation I got the car I wanted."The realtor is coming by to take photos of the house, it's shame you never cleaned up the guest room"...translation you're still the same. And that is frustrating...she sees everything the same when it's not. I'm not sure what the dinner conversation will be, but I don't want to get into a debate with her. It's unfathomable to me how she fails to understand the stress I/we felt while trying to manage two mortgages (house and condo), both her doing. Since we're walking away from those obligations, it's nice that she has the discretionary income to buy a car on a whim. Sigh...still in the fog.

On the job front, several prospects are progressing nicely. I hope to have resolution before the Thanksgiving. One opp would have me heading to my third straight Olympic Games which would be a terrific. When this all solidifies, having this security will be huge in my GAL. Also in the back of my mind, what chance of R can I have when WAW sees my professional situation in flux. It's hard to be someone you couldn't love without that. I hate to be shallow, but it's a reality.

I'm curious to everyone's thoughts...good or bad idea to have dinner tomorrow night with my WAW on our wedding anniversary?