Another crisis.....but H opening up now

[angel61]

Yes, it was a passionate but not loving period.

I will look for that book Cyrena. Right now, I see my H moving around the end of replay, hanging on by trying to keep contact with OW, but I do have confirmation that she will be gone by the end of November. She posted it in her FB.

H is doing a long, slow withdrawal, and the way I see it, he is trying to make it the least painful he could do so by gradually converting it to a friendship.

I think there was a time before that he was attracted to someone else (did not become an EA) but he was able to succesfully convert that into a friendship (she became a family friend). My feeling is that he is trying to follow that model....

Now that I mentioned it, both this old friend and OW have common characteristics: they are both "princesses". Spoiled, rich, demanding, high maintenance, flaky ....nice looking but not overly pretty (at least not better looking than I although younger) or sexy. Supposedly things that H does not like! Isn't that weird? He said he married me because I am smart, practical, dependable....

Back to the topic at hand: So we will be leaving today for a weekend in the boondocks....he will go hunting, while I and D12 will just find a way to entertain ourselves in the lodge. I guess no internet there, I will miss catching up on everyones' sitches, but have fun, all of you!

[25yearsmlc]

I totally understand the "victim" mode. I have been, for the longest time, only been talking to my friends about my situation, and as you say, feeling that the only interesting thing about me are my "poor me" stories. Then I came to the realization that my poor friends are probably so tired of all my whining, so I now have stopped talking about it, except when asked.

I was just mulling this morning about the kind of person I have become. While its true that the sitch has brought about many good changes in me, especially when it comes to being patient, and compassionate, and slow to anger, it also has blunted the more passionate and exciting side of me.

I think I need to find my passion and rediscover my true self, with the needed changes. I am not finding myself attractive right now, so how will my H think of me?

BINGO!! and your d is watching too. THIS is the time to be the most passionate you've ever been. Not the least...Dressing differently, younger and more sensually (not necessarily sexy but womanly--embrace that part of you and be LESS predictable.

I went skydiving for my birthday when h was starting to come around. He loved that I did that...so did I. In fact I did it again with my s25 and d22 AND H!

there were other things but that's one. You can be less dramatic but don't you dare become complacent seeming or, dare I say it, boring?


No --now is the time for MORE PASSION....life is short. What are you waiting for?

((( )))

[angel61]

Good to hear from you, 25!

Hard to believe I am posting from the middle of nowhere right now.... in between 2 states, surroungded by open fields, while H is out hunting geese.....

We went on a long drive, left Friday PM and got here Saturday morning, stopping over at a hotel. Again, I am so amazed that we now are comfortable with each other, he kept a steady stream of chatter and was so cheerful and happy througout our trip so far!

H seems more settled, when we were driving through some of the poorer towns here he even would comment about how people here may be happier and more content with their lives, we talked about being thankful for what we have.

I always catch him nowadays looking at me, sometimes with a thoughtful look on his face.

25, I still don't know what I want to do. I want to learn how to fly, have brought it up with H but its a little expensive and we have so much expenses. A friend of mine wants to start going to more cultural events, so I told her I wanted to team up so we can go together. I have always been into art and music, while H isnt really, and I suppressed my likes because of him. This week I will book tickets for the symphony! Then will go from there - art lessons?

Hey, I am getting a bit excited with the thought!

Then when I hit 60, I will start flying.....hehehe

[Albuquerque]

THIS is the time to be the most passionate you've ever been. Not the least...Dressing differently, younger and more sensually (not necessarily sexy but womanly--embrace that part of you and be LESS predictable.

This is so true. It's one of the things I've realized I've started to let slip. When H was away, I really gained a new look and it WAS me. I felt sexier than before and more confident. H noticed. Now that he's back, I realize I'm opting for more comfortable rather than sexier shoes, not doing up the makeup like I used to etc. Not good. We need to realize we always should be the best we can be. Not just because we want our spouses back, but because it makes US feel better!

[angel61]

Oh the dressing sexy part_ I have done all that, right after I started losing weight I started really noticing my appearance. I threw away all my matronly clothes, and made sure I look good and YOUNG everyday. Everyone at work notices , and I even had a 32 y/o co-worker running after me- and he was so shocked when I told him I was old enough to be his mom.... he thought I was in my mid- thirties (I'll be 50 this month!) I have a fashionista 12 y/o helping me, I now wear size 8 jeans (from a size 14), have no wrinkles (except for my neck, hate that area), and lost a total of 35 lbs.

Ok, my H did noticed that already, and I think it was part of our earlier increased physical attraction to each other in the first year after bomb. Much like a prolonged break-up sex kind of thing - the fear that we might not do this again....and i did notice that for both of us, it had some sort of desperate quality to it... which actually made it sort of bitter sweet and even more memorable....

Funny but when he decided that he was staying, even when he did not tell me yet, but I knew and felt the turnaround, its as if we lost that urgency to be physical.....as if we could sit back and relax because now we know we have all the time in the world.

But I still will keep up the looking good thing. I am lazier now with the gym, so thats something I need to consciously keep up, but I do love shopping and clothes and beautiful shoes (I have more than 50 pairs, mostly sexy high heels, love cute undies and sleepwear, sunglasses, purses - you name it!)

H also now loves shopping, which he never did before his MLC! Actually, when we go out, lots of people compliment us on being a good looking family.... if they only knew what troubles we keep beneath the "glamour and smiles".

[angel61]

Feeling depressed today. I have been feeling sick lately (heartburn?) and had a bout of self-pity this morning. Feel the lack of TLC - H did buy me some meds when I asked for it but did not even ask me how I felt when he got home.

After having a nice weekend all together as a family, I had a little letdown when we stoped for dinner on the way home. We ate n a nice restaurant, and I pointed out that someone was actually celebrating their anniversary. D12 asked what we were doing for this years anniv, and H said "nothing". I guess both me and D looked crestfallen, cause he hurriedly said we were already planning a big trip this month to celebrate my 5)th bday, too much expenses.

I hope I can get out of this funk soon....

[Albuquerque]

Angel,

I know you know this, but this is what you've signed up for. You're living with an MLCer. You can't expect him to NOT exhibit MLC signs. I know you want it more than anything. But your expectations have to change. You must expect nothing. This is part of being your own person. You must be a fully functional, emotionally stable person on your own. You can't expect or need your H to give you certain things in order to feel complete. You must be able to function and be complete on your own and that includes being happy on your own. That is what is so difficult about MLC and yet is one of the best gifts that we are given if we choose to challenge ourselves.

TLC is a great thing to have when we're ill. But the lack of it cannot and should not make your day worse. The presence of it should make your day better. There is a distinct difference. You are "expecting" him to act and do certain things to show he cares and I understand that. But that has to stop. He is still deep in MLC. He is lost in a fog of confusion and despair. He doesn't really know what the hell he's doing or who he is. HE'S the one who is truly suffering long term issues and your the one who's complaining about not being asked a simple question. There are many who would say that this is unfair and is not how a marriage should be. And they'd be damn right. But the situation isn't fair. He's very very broken and you've chosen to stay and work it out. Therefore, you must be in it for the long haul and realize your relationship dynamics MUST change or else you will not make it.
(((Angel)))

[NLW]

Hi Alb,

Just to say I read your post and it helped me so much with a similar sort of complaint (see my recent post in newcomers).

There I was moaning about H being a little rude or cold to me. Really off the mark...
I need to change my expectations and focus on bullet-proofing myself because I'm in this for the long haul.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom, NLW.

[adinva]

Hi Angel - catching up on your situation, hope all is well. You're lucky to have a H intent on staying in the M, for whatever reasons he has. Your changes will change the dynamic in the marriage ("Dance of Anger" talks about that).

What are your changes? You mentioned struggling with getting them from mind to heart and that they were deeply ingrained habits you were trying to change, but what exactly have you changed to make marriage to you better than it was before?

I am also trying to change deep-seated patterns of behavior. I thought I was very highly functioning, but since the bomb I learned some unpleasant truths about myself and I'm working on creating real change in myself, with great difficulty. I read above about the "change sandwich" which is a helpful illustration but abstract. When you asked, above, "But again, those of you who have successfully turned your lives around: How did you do it? How long did it take? How did you change even just one aspect of your behaviour that has been ingrained in your psyche since you were born, just because you realize that it is not the right thing?" I had some thoughts from what I'm experiencing.

Start small and start concrete. I had an extreme oppositional streak and had turned my relationship with my H into a 13-y-o and dad kind of power struggle. So I negotiated with H a reasonable frequency for something I could do that he'd asked me to do, made a repeating calendar entry, and started getting it done. It was picking up dog poop. I mastered it, felt good about it, and kept it up while looking for something a little higher-level to chip away at. If I let it slide from Monday to Wednesday one week, I didn't think I failed, I just got back on the wagon and kept trying. Don't think of tackling everything at once, and don't worry about changing whole aspects of your personality, just modify little actions. I have much more awareness of what I want in my mind and relationships than simply being a person who picks up dog poop - but I started small and concrete. It actually helped that it was something I could giggle and feel the absurdity of, because though it represented a greater truth about my personality it was easier to modify cheerfully because it was kind of silly.

When you ask how long does it take to maintain it, the answer is one day. Then the next one. Then the next. Don't overwhelm yourself with the years stretching out before you.

When you wonder if you can stay your whole life in a celibate marriage, don't. Just stay this day, and then the next. When your changes change the dynamic in your marriage, maybe your H will want to ML. Don't pressure him with thinking about celibate years stretching before you.

BTW I'm with you on that one. I haven't been approached by my H since about February if not before, and it may be the longest I've gone without since I lost my virginity. I'm not too happy about it but I'm trying to solve one problem at a time.

Keep posting how you're doing!

[angel61]

Today is my 50th birthday.

Here is my birthday promise:

"I promise that from this moment on, I will live my life with unabashed delight and confidence, using my full wisdom, creativity, love, and energy. I invite and encourage others to join with me, think with me, and act in all of our best interests. As a basis for living this fully, I will pay loving and thoughtful attention to the needs of my body, mind, heart and soul, and welcome other people’s love and attention when it is freely given. I will respect and honor others and never permit anyone, including myself, to invalidate or diminish other people and their feelings."

Thank you everyone for being such good friends! I wish I could all invite you to come over for my birthday and we could have one big happy celebration, instead of the countless pity parties I have shared with you. I have to admit, I shed a few tears yesterday, thinking about where my life has gone, but again, I turned around and started counting my blessings, and this made me feel better.

This morning, I woke up really early and H greeted me a happy birthday. He kidded me about being a "golden girl". I asked what my gift was and he said "later". I am not expecting though, but if he gives me one, that ill be a huge bonus.

We are celebrating though with a trip to NY tomorrow, to a fancy dinner/event there and a stay in a fancy hotel in Times Square. I know it is going to be like two BFF's going out instead of a "date" type of thing, but I still am going all out with my outfit- my little black bustier dress and stilletos. At least he will be proud to have me hanging on his arm as we go around the event venue. Who knows, maybe some of the guys there might find me attractive and make him jealous....

I know, no expectations. I am a realist. I will enjoy the night for what it is. And I am thankful that for whatever it is, H still cares enough to want to celebrate my big day with me.

Pray for me!