Thanks Aeo. I'll have to process your questions. I have the answers to alot of them, but as you know... everything is a little bit more complicated than "yes" or "no".
Jounaling -
Been overwhelmed with my feelings the past couple days. Mostly been stuck in fear. Afraid of this process, afraid of the outcome, afraid to fight fairly, afraid to lose everything.
My w and I are not legally married in California. We moved here a few weeks before Prop 8 passed. That adds a level of complexity to everything. I have been trying to spend some time looking into these complexities.. it's been emotionally draining. Looking into how to dissolve a domestic partnership in two states... when I don't want one period... is difficult.
Took a break from my head to go hydrobiking with a friend. It's like riding a bike on a plastic kayak. You would think 1hr would be nothing.. but it was extremely challenging.
About 40 minutes in I wanted to give up. I was tired and my legs burned like a MoFo.. I could see the finish line but just wanted to be there. I tried peddling faster but for some reason that didn't work. If I didn't peddle at all and go with the current, it took me farther away from my goal.
I couldn't go back, I couldn't stay put.. I HAD to move forward. I couldn't jump to the finish line. I had to endure the pain and just keep on.. keeping on.
Suddenly I bursted out in tears. I started peddling. I put my head praying and just put one step in front of the other.
When I reached the finish line, I was exhausted. I wiped the tears from my eyes and said "I did it". I hurt but I made it. I smiled.
I'm pretty sure on the bike, in the middle of the ocean, God spoke to me (I'm still new to that concept so it's hard to know for sure).
This morning I barely got myself out of bed. I wanted to give up.. not in a suicidal way but I was just over it. I just wanted to skip to the end of this road, be divorced, never talk to my wife again, and pray that what I settled for would last. I wanted to stop caring about my w, our marriage, I wanted the pain to be over, all my tears finally shed.
But I'm sure now that I'm not supposed to give up or take shortcuts, I need to keep moving forward no matter the pain or exhaustion. I need to keep trying. I need to keep pushing on. That is God's plan for me.
I just don't know what I'm supposed to be exactly moving forward on. Still fighting for m, still loving w, loving myself.. all of the above.
I'm sure that part of the answer will come soon enough.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
