New and Suffering

[Accuray]

Thanks Bagheera,

I really appreciate your thoughts, I haven't checked this thread in a while, so my sincere apologies for the delayed response.

I am well studied in these dynamics at this point. In addition to pouring over tons of advice on these forums directed to others in similar situations, I have read SSM, DR, DB, "Love Must be Tough", "The 5 Love Languages", "Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S.", "No More Mr. Nice Guy", and am half way through "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". Some of these were very applicable to me, others less so. They all tend to share the same themes, but come at them from different directions and with different examples. Bottom line is that I believe I understand the right thing to do, and am coming close to understanding what motivates my behavior, and a little closer to understanding what motivates my wife's behavior.

I understand it intellectually, but as I'm sure you appreciate like everyone else, it's damn hard to live it 24x7. I have been doing IC, but had to switch therapists for the reasons mentioned in this thread. I got my wife to do one session of MC with a counselor who was not really qualified, and one phone session with my DB Coach that really didn't help that much. She's pretty opposed to doing more, and if she comes in with a closed off attitude it seems to hurt more than it helps. My DB coach agreed on that point.

Here's an update, and maybe The Captain can chime in too:

Overall we've been doing quite well. We've been joking that we're going to win the marriage award, and my W seems to enjoy having that as a goal. Reading the 5LL's, my W's primary LL is "Quality Time" and I've been giving her that in spades. I do believe that our fundamental issue was that I would "GAL" too much, not spend enough (or any) quality time with her, so she felt alone and insecure in the relationship. That lead our M to be sex-starved, which touched off negative cycles of me feeling rejected, further retreating, lather rinse repeat.

Overall, the things that I have been doing and my 180's are really working. My wife says that I have "turned everything on it's head", she's very happy, and there are no thoughts of leaving now, she's here to stay. Our sex life is better than it's been since we got married, and our family is overall happier. In many ways, I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.

Victory right?

Ah, if only it were so easy, and I know it should be, but I am still a mess. Every week is getting better, but it's damn hard. I'm going through the high highs and low lows that Michelle says to expect, and they are hard on both of us. The reconciliation lead me to feel "in love" again, which I realize is a chemical response, is temporary, and clouds my judgment. My wife, to your point, did not come that high in her feelings for me. She's happy and satisfied, and feels secure, but she's just not at the same place, and although I'm dealing with it, deep down it hurts me.

In many ways my emotions were like a coiled spring, I was so beaten down and repressed, that when we reconciled, a lot popped out, both good and bad. Per DB, my challenge now is to manage that in the best way possible.

Reading the 5LL's, my primary LL is "Words of Affirmation", which is a common one for men. Historically, my W really wouldn't hand this out at all. She grew up with a narcissistic mother and a tough love father, so this is not in her nature. Once we read the 5LL's together and discussed it, I was thinking "great, I've given you my user manual -- this will be much easier now". In discovering her affair, I read the wonderful things she wrote to OM, so I knew she had it in her if she would put in the effort. I'm also in touch with the fact that what she wrote to OM made me jealous, I would love to have her write those words to me, but I know she will not, I am the well-worn shoe to your point above -- but I'm human so it still hurts (I wish I were a divorce busting robot!)

To her credit, she did make a slight effort with Words of Affirmation, but it was very slight. I made mistakes here and I know it, but I talked about what I would like to receive (per DR, you have to ask or you will never receive). This made her feel inadequate, and she got very upset with me last week and started crying.

What she keeps telling me is that she feels inadequate, and that she doesn't measure up. She just wants me to be happy. She says that I am compromising too much, putting my needs in the back seat, etc. She also takes any request that I make as a complaint -- a complaint that she wasn't already doing what I'm asking for. That's certainly not the spirit I intend, I'm trying to work things out. In my view she is perfectly adequate and I love her very much! Despite how much I tell her and try to show her, she does not seem to accept that.

She asks me to have no expectations, and to treat whatever she does for me as a gift. Then, when I try to come with no expectations, she complains that I'm suppressing my needs. Yikes, tough.

I believe one of the things she liked about the affair was that OM was married, and told her his first priority was his W. He had low expectations of her, and she would have to draw him out and pursue. She really doesn't do well in an environment with any expectations at all, and it's hard to live in a marriage that way. I really don't think my expectations are that high. I historically have never asked her to do anything. I don't expect housework, cooking, any of the gender-stereotype expectations. I do my own laundry, I'm happy to cook my own meals, do the grocery shopping. We split kid duty evenly, and I do all the typical male stuff (yard work, garbage, bills, home repair, etc.). All I have really asked her for recently is a daily check-in via chat while at work, and occasional "words of affirmation", as that makes me feel loved. That's it. Reading this, that may be hard to believe, but that's really all I've requested, and all I really "expect" is that she puts some effort into our marriage by engaging with me.

Lately, I've been feeling that she's encouraging me to throw in the towel, to admit that she will not make me happy and to leave of my own accord. This would take the pressure off of her if it was a mutual parting for sure. She seems to say things to point out that I'm not happy, when in fact I AM happy. That's what makes me question her motives, she's supplying negative feelings for me that I don't have.

I spoke to my DB coach this week for the first time in a month. She had some interesting perspective. She said that I cannot "own" my W's inadequacy issues -- she has to deal with that herself. I should effectively ignore it. She also recommended using more of a "friend" standard with my W, such that I have low expectations, and don't make a big deal when she does something for me that I like, or offers Words of Affirmation. Give it a little nod and move on, change the subject, whatever.

She also recommended reading "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" and said that I need to reverse the gender roles, that my W is coming from the perspective of shame, and I'm coming from the perspective of fear. I'm reading it now, my W keeps asking about it, and it's so interesting that I want to discuss it with her, but I must stop that!

My new 180 is that "R" discussions must completely cease, I need to do a better job "acting as if" and hiding my hurts from my W, and to your point, continue to work on being attractive in all the ways you point out. I have lost 20 lbs, have been working out like crazy, but have recently started to gain back, I know it's because of stress, I'm trying to put the brakes on but it's obviously hard.

WRT Quality Time, which my W needs, I have been doing that on her terms. I have tons of interests and hobbies, historically she would not pursue any of them with me. Simple things like going for a leisurely bike ride together, or going swimming at the beach, she simply will not do. That frustrates me as her reason for the EA was that I was not spending quality time with her, yet she made no effort to spend any with me either, and she still doesn't. She appreciates the effort I make, but all she really likes to do is to talk about her work. I've been doing that 5 nights a week. It feels good to connect with her, but I'd love to talk about other things, or better yet DO some things together, but she just won't put forth the effort or take a chance on trying something new, it's frustrating, but I don't even bring it up or make offers anymore, because she'll take those as expectations, and then feel badly about them.

Here's the thing, I know this is a normal part of my process, but I'm starting to question if I want to live like this. I've been looking at "for rent" signs in town when I drive by and wondering "what if". I've browsed Match.com in my area. I've thought about seeking meeting new people. Through this process, I've come to be "alright with me" in many ways, and know that if this M ends, I will be okay. I didn't feel that way initially. On the other hand, I have young kids, I want an intact family, and I do LOVE my W very much.

So what to do? Is my W right that she will just never make me happy? She *does* make me happy, why doesn't she believe that? I feel happy until she tells me I'm not. I would love to see a little more effort from her, and a little more enthusiasm. Would I be happier when I got that, or would I just want more? My DB coach said that I have accepted living with what I'm getting now. If I hadn't accepted it, I wouldn't be here. She said my challenge now is to act like it.

That seems like excellent advice, just oh so hard to implement like everything else.

Accuray