H called to ask how we're doing on household stuff and if I needed anything. We're really struggling financially with him having to pay rent to the people he's staying with, so he wanted to make sure we didn't have to be spending a whole lot of money prior to payday. He told me that he has to go get the oil changed on his car today. He went on to complain about what a horrible weekend he had and that he hasn't been sleeping well. I told him I was sorry he's having a rough couple of days and told him that I am here if he wants to talk. He said there's nothing I can do to help. I told him the offer stands. He offered to pick up the things we need from the store while he's out getting his oil changed. I told him if it would make him go out of his way, not to worry about it. I also added that we were going out this afternoon, so I didn't mind stopping by the store while we're out. He asked what we are doing, so I told him (signing up at the YMCA for the military program he told me about, going to the library, going to the park). He said if I can get by the store myself, it would be better. He said his mind is just all kinds of "fuckered up right now". I think I did well. I was chipper, but caring/concerned. I feel really bad for him right now, as he seems to be in a really dark place. I wish there was something I could do to make him feel better. I hate seeing him like this. But then again, maybe his being unhappy is kind of a good thing. Maybe he's missing me/us. There I go trying to mind-read again lol.
I've been worrying about this a lot lately, but shoving it to the back of my mind. Now, it's at the forefront and I need to figure out what to do. Over the first couple of weeks after H left, I mentioned R a couple of times (rather, he coaxed me into talking about it - I think it made him feel superior or something - *gag*). Anyway, after pouring my heart out and getting absolutely zero response from him, I told him I was "done". It was said in anger (heck, even I was convinced of it at first), and now I'm afraid he doesn't realize that the door is still opened to him. If he is under the impression that I want nothing else to do with him, I'm worried that his ego would prevent him from coming to me if he felt the urge to try to work things out.
I guess my question is this:
Is there a way to subtly let him know that I am actually not done, without giving him the feeling that I am pursuing him? Or did I royally screw up and have to lie in that bed now, hoping that his ego doesn't get the best of us should he come around?
He is such a LYING JERK! When he called me this morning, he told me that he had a horrible weekend and didn't get much sleep, so he wouldn't be coming to see the boys as we had agreed on. Now, I know why he didn't get much sleep... His little buddy posted on FB that he had an "electric weekend" with H and a bunch of others. Way to shirk your responsibilities for the sake of a good time again, a$$.
I so want to call him out, but I know I shouldn't. Gah!
Took a hot shower to cool off. Man, I was mad! My blame has now shifted from H to his "friends". It's really sad how he lets them have so much control over him and his life. He really is a good dad, but for some reason, he is seeking acceptance from these people who do not have his best interests at heart. He's being a follower. How incredibly disappointing. He used to be a leader.
When I see him tomorrow, I'll be playing dumb. He invited himself over for dinner, so I'll just continue to display 'accepting love' in the hopes that, one day, he won't need "their" acceptance and will treasure mine.
H just stopped by to tell me to get all our direct bill information together so he can transfer everything to his new account. He said I'll be getting an "allowance" and if I ran through that and need more money to let him know. I knew he had started a new account and was possibly setting up direct deposit (he didn't know that I knew), but I am still having trouble processing this. This kind of thing just makes the end seem so near. So final. I know it's small, but it seems huge right now.
He asked me if S4 told me about the friend he made while hanging out at H's place on Saturday. I said, "You mean Christopher?" He said, "Yeah, Annette's nephew." I said, "OW's son?" He repeated, "Annette's nephew." I just looked at him. He said he was afraid I would be mad. I told him it's fine - he's allowed to have friends (I'll let him think that's all I think they are, since that's all he claims).
I handled everything really well and with a smile. He mentioned that I had lost a lot of weight (I have). He got on the computer to show me this crazy video on youtube. It's so weird acting like friends when just over a month ago, we were more. I just need to keep my head straight. Keep doing what I am doing. This isn't an overnight solution.
I think I seriously just effed up big time. H came over to see the boys. He showed me some pictures of our boys playing with OW's son (he still claims they're nothing but friends). I told him that I don't care who he is seeing, or if he is seeing someone, but I wanted to make sure that he knows to keep any affection between them out of sight of our kids. The rest of the convo went something like this (it's kind of a blur):
H: Like I would tell you if I was seeing someone anyway - not that I'm ready. M: Why couldn't you talk to me? I don't have any control over who you see or what you do with your time. I know I have no say-so. H: Yeah, you have no control, but you'd flip out. M: No, I wouldn't. I have come to terms with the fact that if you're not already seeing someone, you probably will be soon. H: (playing around) I'd like to see that in writing. M: I'd like you to put it in writing for me too. H: Not a problem. And here's where I messed up - stupid game-playing. M: Good, because I'm going out Friday night. H: Really? With who? M: None of your business. H: Come on. What's his name? M: Why would I tell you that? H: Where'd you meet him? M: Why would any of this matter to you? H: Because if someone is going to be around our kids, I have the right to know who he is. M: I would never make the mistake of bringing someone new around our kids so early on. H: Just tell me who he is. M: Why does it matter so much? H: So I could tell everyone that I was right. M: Right about what?! H: That you're seeing someone.
I started crying. It hurt that he would tell people that I am seeing someone. How can he think for one second that I am rebounding? So, the truth came out that I was not actually seeing someone and that I was looking for a reaction from him. (I'm such a fool.)
H: You are so immature. Stop playing these stupid games with me. M: You're the one being immature. You think and tell other people that I am seeing another man. You just left a little over a month ago. Do you really think I would be in a place where I feel comfortable dating someone else? H: I would have been happy for you. M: I know. Someone told me that you said you "hope I fall in love with someone else quick, so I'll quit bugging you." H: (denial, denial, denial) H: Why couldn't you have come to me when you heard that? Isn't that something you would want to ask me, personally, about? M: Why on earth would I come to you? I can't trust you. All you ever do is lie. H: Lie about what?
I started walking away.
H: You think I cheated on you? M: Nope (kept walking away) H: Yeah. You've got nothing.
Tried to ignore him and he kept pushing me.
M: You lied about loving me. You said you haven't loved me in a long time, yet you told me all those months that you loved me. Hell, you told me up until a few hours that you bolted that you love me. Nothing but lies. All of it. H: I did love you. I tried to make it work, but you didn't try at all. (this pissed me off because I suggested marriage counseling on multiple occasions, and he always said no.)
He stormed out the door and took off.
What the heck am I supposed to do now? Do I say nothing? I want to apologize to him for playing games. I want to admit that I was just looking for his reaction and that his answer to why he wanted to know threw me for a loop. I didn't know how to handle it and things escalated way too quickly.
What's the proper DBing thing to do in this situation?
I just hate this. I feel like I had been doing so well. Guess that's what I get for playing games. Ugh.
