you are mind reading here and obsessing and negatively projecting. This is not a productive use of your time. Counter productive in fact.
You're absolutely right. Focusing on it does no good.
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what people share this information with you? stop them from doing so.
It's my husband's co-worker's wife. She's kind of known for being a drama queen. The thing with them is that she and her husband have been in our position, only she was the WA. She thinks she's looking out for me by letting me know what I'm up against. Last weekend, when she told me this, I did tell her not to talk to me about it any more and she hasn't. Knowing things like that takes my focus off what I am trying to do. In all truth though, it has helped me up my ante a little.
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Do you want him to choose you? How will that happen? By confronting?
I haven't said anything else to him about it. He mis-texted me right after he first left me, and I admit I freaked out on him (this was before DBing). Since then, I haven't said anything else about it to him. He's the one that keeps bringing it up. I told him that what he does isn't my concern - that I'm not his keeper and he doesn't have to explain anything to me. (That was a 180 for me, as I was a big time questioner.)
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Are you being the better choice?
I really am, and I know it. He has said that I am too focused on the kids. He was right. This g/f of his has a little boy. She goes to school full time, works full time, and parties in her free time. Her stbx has custody of the little one, and she rarely sees him. I can see that he has taken up with my complete opposite. Of course, I am still focused on the kids (I'm a single mom now after all), but this has been a major wake up call for me. I have learned to balance my life a little better. I get my time with the kiddos, but with the help of some friends, I have been able to carve out time for myself too. I've learned that I really was letting the kids walk all over me, and I am nipping that in the bud. So, yes. I feel that I really am the better choice. I have balance where she does not. My kids are my first priority, but I have realized that my happiness is important too.
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Or is your pain and anger (which I understand!) stopping you from being warm/loving with him?
It was. But little by little, I think I am getting hold of myself. I realize that being cold to him doesn't fix anything. I am working on being detached, but friendly. I want to be that breath of fresh air for him. Fun, easy to smile, easy to talk to. That is the real me.
Another thing that I have realized over the last month is that I was so co-dependent on him for my happiness. It was bringing me down. I have learned that I am responsible for my happiness. Do I love him and want him to come home? Of course! Will my world crumble if he doesn't? He11 no!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
H came by to pick up the boys. He should be back around 5:30 or so.
I want to ask him to stick around for dinner, but I won't. No cake-eating here!
When he goes to leave, I am thinking of following him out to thank him for taking the boys. I'd like to say something like, "I know you didn't do it for me, but thank you for taking the boys today. I enjoyed my little bit of down time." I'd also like to throw in a short hug. I guess I just want to see what his response would be (awkwardness or returned embrace).
Oh, and damn, did he look good. He mentioned that he has lost 20 lbs since he left just over a month ago. If I didn't have such will power, I might have attacked him lol.
H came by to pick up the boys. He should be back around 5:30 or so.
I want to ask him to stick around for dinner, but I won't. No cake-eating here!
When he goes to leave, I am thinking of following him out to thank him for taking the boys. I'd like to say something like, "I know you didn't do it for me, but thank you for taking the boys today. I enjoyed my little bit of the down time."
I'd also like to throw in a short hug. I guess I just want to see what his response would be (awkwardness or returned embrace).
Anyone have any thoughts on that?
have no expectations but you can GIVE him a short hug without it lasting so long that it reveals itself as a "test"
or he'll notice and then interpret it as an expectant action instead of a gift of a hug.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well, he brought them back almost an hour earlier than he said he would. He had his friend's wife with him for whatever reason. I chickened out of the hug (probably would have gone for it if she hadn't been there - she's best friends with his g/f). I did end up thanking him for taking the boys. He said it was no problem.
He drives me crazy when he implies that I am seeing someone. When he left with the boys, I was cleaning out the car. When he got back, I was helping him transfer the car seats. He noticed that the passenger seat of my car was leaned back and asked me who had been riding with me. I was like, "Uh. I cleaned out the car today..."
I feel like he says these things out of guilt. Like if he finds out I am seeing someone, it makes him feel better about what he's doing. Gives him a "pass" of sorts. Ugh.
Will someone please tell me I did the right thing here (or the wrong thing)?
H called to say he was on his way to pick up the boys. He asked me if I would mind if he just takes S4 and leave S1 with me. He said his back is hurting and he isn't sure how he would entertain and wrangle the both of them. I huffed a little, but agreed.
When he got here, he asked again. I had changed my mind. I told him that it's his day to take them and that I need a break (he has been gone for over 5 weeks and has only taken them to where he's staying once - yesterday, for a couple of hours). He whined a little, but I stood my ground.
This is a 180 of sorts for me. Normally, I would have relented and agreed to keep S1 with me, to make it easier on H. I feel that my response is two-fold: I stood by my boundaries AND he'll have the have a small taste of what it's like to be a single dad. He complained one last time as he was getting into the car, but I reassured him that he is a good dad and that he would figure it out.
Oh, and he originally said he'd bring them back at 7, but changed it to 4 at the last minute. I expressed my displeasure, but didn't really argue. Guess I have to pick my battles.
If you did the right thing depends on the context. Is this an exception in a usually reliable pattern (why not be flexible)or is he taking advantage of you (so you should set firm expectations)? My L advised that coparents work best when they're flexible, unless the X abuses it. If you're clearly communicating you can make exceptions without being a doormat.
I think more important is that you sent conflicting messages. You said yes but your grumbling suggested you didn't really mean it was OK. When he arrived you changed yes to no meaning the schedule is important. When he returned early you dropped the issue, meaning the schedule isn't that important. But you expressed displeasure meaning it is. I'm oversimplifying I know but hear how this comes across and try to know your real feelings and be authentic in your dealings with him - say no if you're not ok with it, and say yes only if you're ok with it. Saying what you don't mean and then grumbling is passive aggressive. On the early return, expressing displeasure without a clear intended result is passive aggressive. Clarifying your expectation for next time doesn't have to be a battle if you don't let him make it one. For example, "H, I planned on 7 because I thought that was our agreement. Luckily I was here this time so we can let it go, but next time I want us to write down or email our agreement so we're clear, because I make my plans based on the time I understand you'll bring the kids back. Will you agree to do that?" Hearing his verbal answer is necessary; you haven't achieved an agreement just because you made a statement that you agree with. If it is turning into a battle, set a better time to discuss it (when you're less rushed, distracted, tired, whatever) since it's really important and you want to make sure emotions don't get in the way of making a good agreement.
These are tools I'm learning as I've struggled with extreme passive aggressiveness in my M. I may not have it all right but maybe there's something in there that's useful to your sitch.
Hang in there, this sounds so challenging for you to deal with, especially with your little kids. I hope you find a lot of help and support on these forums.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I am very much guilty of being passive aggressive in the past. Thank you for your thoughts, adinva.
I was very passive aggressive during our marriage. I'd grumble and groan, but do what I didn't want to do anyway. I'd say I was doing it to please him, but I'd make myself unhappy in the process. Hence my mind changing once he got here. Because of him being used to my passive aggressive behavior, he was fully expecting to just get his way. I feel like I did a 180 by standing my ground. Yes, it was a flimsy 180, since it started off wrong; but I feel I finished strongly. Guess I'm learning as I go along. Add all this to the fact that he has been shirking his parenting responsibilities since he left me. I think it was high time I stood up for my kids and myself.
