Will try to make this short, but it probably won't be.
I met a Turkish man (dual Turkish/U.S. citizen) 4 years ago when I was reeling from my ex-husband getting remarried and was in a lonely, desperate, vulnerable state of mind. We were in a "friends with benefits" situation when felt good at the time, but I unfortunately got pregnant 3 months into this relationship which he he didn't plan on being permanent. We both were shaken up by the pregnancy, and I wasn't willing to abort, but we pretty much continued our relationship till the middle of my pregnancy when I pushed him for a commitment and he disappeared till the baby was born, at which point, we entered into a "strictly co-parenting" relationship.
Just lately, I grew tired of being in "limbo" and at 45, I don't want to be single and celibate for the rest of my life. My therapist advised me to date, and I did, and it was a bit of a disaster, but on the other hand shook things up a little. Neither of us wants the other to date and we want as much stability as possible for our child. But I want to be part of a "couple".
We agreed to each not date anyone else, and to identify ourselves as being a "couple" and to try to cultivate "feelings" for each other. I think he cares for me and he is good to me and has been committed to me for all this time, but I want love, romance, and sex. For a long time I thought I should only have sex within the context of a legally recognized marriage, but since that is probably not going to happen soon, if ever, I have decided that this is a "situational ethics dilemma" and the right and most loving thing to do is to be sexually open to hopefully encourage loving feelings which would benefit the family unit. I have no guilt and only the slightest doubt about it being "okay with God" for us to have sex. It isn't the ideal situation, but the Bible says that to avoid fornication, everyone who has strong sexual desire should marry, but in my case, a "normal" marriage isn't possible. But we ARE committed and monogamous, and although other Christians may not agree with this, I do feel married "in God's eyes" and I am as devoted as I would be if we were legally married.
Everything came to a head 3 weeks ago when we decided to work on things. I am using The Divorce Remedy and a therapist, and I have just got The Sex Starved Wifeand I am about to do the "Last Resort Technique". I have been pursuing too much and these last 3 weeks I have had mixed results. He actually let me kiss him for the first time in almost 3 years and HE is the one that took it further, and for a few moments, I felt like I had him "back". But last night, for the first time in 3 1/2 years I insisted that he spend 20 minutes alone (in public) with me. I wanted quality time, but he acted like a caged animal. I don't know if he was waiting for me to bring up some unpleasant topic of discussion or what.
We both have intimacy issues, but for 7 1/2 months we had a special bond. I want that back.
I am frustrated that he says he has no "feelings" and says we can't control whether we have "feelings" or not. I told him Michele's story about how we can push buttons that trigger negative feelings almost instantly, and we can also trigger the positive ones if we know what the buttons are. I am pretty clueless as to what/where his "positive feelings buttons" are.
I don't like feeling that I'm trapped in a loveless relationship because I chose to mother our "surprise" child. I am frustrated but I am not ready to give up.
He has made 3 big steps...he has gotten better at eye contact with me and he has "renamed" our relationship (too bad it is only in name only at this point, but before he wasn't open to the idea at all), and he has opened up to some physical contact (one time).
I am working at setting up more goals and I am keeping a journal.
I would like for him to pursue me a little, but of course, he can't when I'm pursuing him. He knows exactly what I want and need.
My therapist thinks since at one point me had a mutually satisfying relationship, we can do it again, we just need to make a "contract" with each other. That is what we had at first, I agreed to not expect anything long term, no commitment beyond monogamy for as long as he wanted me. He gave me attention, affection, companionship. I felt that he loved me "enough".
It was a huge shift for me to agree to sex without legal marriage, it was a huge shift for him to agree to think of this as a long-term relationship and to open himself up to things he had been resisting--such as a "date" with me and him without the child, affection, and sex.
I have said since my ex-husband remarried that I'd like to be a "part time wife and full time mother" and marry, but be legally separated (so neither of us could remarry and would officially still be husband and wife) and have my own house as long as my 2 older kids are at home (about 6 more years). I envisioned having one weeknight date and one overnight visit with my part-time husband, like my current man and I had at the most satisfying part of our relationship. Just lately I decided that I could achieve the same end result with less hassle and expense and probably stress by avoiding any LEGAL entanglements. I know legal entanglements are scary for men.
I just want things to be like they were when I felt like he loved me "enough". He spent lots of quality time with me. He called me almost every day between visits. He made it obvious how much he enjoyed my company. He told me I was pretty and he enjoyed being physical with me. He smiled and laughed with me a lot. We had fun together. He still does nice things for me (not romantic, like flowers and nice dates, but he bought tires for my car and contributes financially beyond his obligation). We have dinner as a family at least once a week. We usually have a pretty good time.Before, there was the constant stress of thinking he was going to dump me as soon as something better came along. Now there is the stress that although I feel he will always "be there" for me and my daughter, it is out of obligation, not out of desire. I want the desire back.
