If OM is so great she should want everyone to know how great and happy her and OM are
This one I noticed. She has already informed her family about him, but I don't believe that most of her friends know. What I've found intriguing is that her FB is strangely quiet these days when she used to be very active. No mention of OM has been made there. Also, her old pics are on her profile, all of which include the two of us (including an album full of our wedding pics). If she was really adamant about OM, those pics would be off of there in a heartbeat.
Originally Posted By: Finah
She is wayward man, nothing out of her mouth will make sense and believe absolutely none of it.
I have had to remind myself of this often-quoted mantra. As enticing as it is to take her words at face value, nearly ALL of her actions and words have smacked heavily of someone who wants badly to feel like she's sure she knows what she's talking about but really doesn't. She has been all over the place for months. I will keep this in mind once more.
Originally Posted By: Finah
You are all ready in LRT mode........you don't have anything to lose. Either you are going to let this A die out in a couple years.....expecting your totally WW to come to her senses.......or start fighting for what you want.....
Like I said, I don't think that this is the route that I'm going to take. Even Michele strongly advises against it, and who better to know than the Top DB-er? Michele says that most affairs die out in less than six months, and I believe that my W's A will be much the same. Honestly, her and OM have nothing in common. She has affaired-down big-time. She is probably stuck in the "lollipops and rainbows" phase of "love." Plus, it sounds like he's a huge jerk who is only showing her want she wants to see so he can stay with her and get some. The best thing I can do is go dark on her and allow her A to get starved of emotional support, friendship....you know, all of the important things about an R that she's been calling ME for. It's not my job to work this all out for her. It's hers. That's why I'm dropping the rope and focusing on me instead.
Originally Posted By: KML
As for what she has told you about OM - S and M, really??? Ick. I think that just tells you something about how whacked she is right now. And I suspect her comment about his equipment may not even be true, just designed to hurt you - we already know she's capable of spewing the nastiest stuff. Don't get sucked in.
She told me early on that she saw this kind of sex as being "healing" to her in regards to her sexual trauma. For most of our R, my W didn't even like most regular vanilla sex. She had heavy flashbacks and vaginal pain, so we went for several years with very little sexual contact. I see her A as a misguided attempt to "regain" her sexuality. I just feel hurt that she convinced herself that she couldn't regain it with me...
Also, the sex comments didn't seem designed to hurt me. She explained his "largeness" as being mostly irrelevant and once described sex with him as "eh..." It was like she was treating me like one of her GFs rather than her ex-husband. It was incredibly bizarre. From the sounds of it, she still wants to treat me like one of her GFs. Not gonna happen anymore, though.
Originally Posted By: Chaos
Yes, it may make R more difficult. On the other hand you feel like you are being compelled to lie and deceive people who care about you. Thats also cr@ppy.
Therein lies my dilemma...
Originally Posted By: Chaos
Sometimes its about learning how to surf the waves.. you recognize those thoughts as thoughts, those emotions as emotions.. feel them deeply without telling yourself any new stories about it.
Great advice.
Originally Posted By: Chaos
Do you think causing her pain will bring you relief from your own suffering?
Why does it hurt you that she believes something?
Do you believe it, too?
Don't worry, these feelings are nothing that I would ever act on. Causing her suffering would not make me feel any better. In addition, I hear that WAWs who have A's many times secretly struggle, even if it doesn't look like it on the outside. I guess the reason that it hurts is that my perception has always been way too wrapped up into HER perception of events. So when she makes this thing out like it's a good thing for her and I was the one who pushed her into it, it often causes me to feel as though that's all true (even though I don't believe it at heart...it just messes with my sense of reality...)
