Turning Over A New Leaf

[Queen_of_Swords]

Lila I'm just going to give you a short run down of some things that I have learned that have aided my understanding. These may or may not help to keep in mind, as you feel your GAL is driving BF further away. I hope they're useful to you.

1) You are not responsible for b/f feelings. He is. We each are responsible for our own thoughts and feelings and the actions that follow from them.
Those thoughts which lead to feelings which lead to action are a CHOICE.
If b/f is angry it's about HIM, not you.

2)For men, ANGER is a cover for all other uncomfortable feelings. It's acceptable for a man to be angry and show it in many cultures, and it certainly is in this one.
At birth when a baby boy is born 40% of the connections between the two halves of the brain are cut, because of this males have a thinner corpus callosum.
This means there is less traffic from the logical part of the brain and the emotional part of the brain. This is hardwired as a survival mechanism for the species as a whole, and is an important sex difference.
It is therefore more difficult for a male to understand precisely what they're feeling. It's easier to default to anger. We as a human species really in function have two brains, not just two halves of the same one.

3)So, b/f feels uncomfortable that you are GAL. That's NOT your problem. Encourage him to express his feelings by alternate methods that aren't perceived as hostile if you must.
Guys do lousy with face to face confrontations. That is also hard wired. Baby boys cannot hold your gaze and look directly at a person as long as baby girls can. It's too threatening. It is also why you'll find men bonding over an activity. You'll seldom catch them having a heart to heart for hours across a table and looking in eachother's eyes.
Another short example. If you walk into a zoo and see the lowland mountain gorilla enclosure, there is usually a sign saying that you should keep your posture lowered and never look directly at the silverback male gorilla. Why? He takes it as challenge and will charge the wall of the enclosure where you're standing.

4)Lay down your boundaries of the acceptable and unacceptable and make sure you have a natural consequence to bad behavior. Let him know what that will be and don't make it arbitrary but consistent.

Lila whatever he throws at you, you need to learn to rip out any untoward reaction and actions. You have buttons he knows how to press. Deactivate them.
You must learn to be unflappable, calm, understanding and reasonable. You must learn to choose to ACT not just REACT.

Lila, this has been said so many times on this board to me and others; right now until you deal with your $hit, let BF float in the breeze. He'll either be there or he won't, he'll either choose to fix things or he won't, but you will be healthy and in a good place regardless.

I'm not saying it's easy, I'm not saying it's fair, optimal or fun.
I am saying YOU have a choice. It's hard work, often painful,lonely and frustrating, but you'll grow.

Stagnation or growth Lila.

That's what it comes down to for us all.