25yearsmlc, I just reread all the posts you have written to me. Please believe me that I want help and need help and advice. I am on that loop and cant find the exit ramp. I know I am.
Oh and just to clarify I have 2 D's and 1 S.
I guess im not making alot of sense. My H never told me he was unhappy. Never. He has told others he has been unhappy for 10 years. Others not me. He left 10 years ago for 3 months but i think that was his MLC. Or the L told him to go back home because it was going to cost him to much because our kids were little.
At that time I sought and went to therapy. He went once. I continued. My H has previously told me he is a methodical thinker and it takes him a long time to make decisions. I dont know if thats why it has taken him 10 years to leave. But then he never told me he was unhappy.
Getting back to my children. Yes they are adults. My adult D's were the ones who told me about this current OW. They found out. Something they didnt want to have to ever tell their mom. They are in T because they were very close to him and he has chosen to only talk to them on his terms. They will not agree to that. My son started T because he needed to sort out his own relationship with his dad and because it started to affect his own marriage.
I cant stress to you enough how much I want to move past this. Believe me i hate my life the way it is now. I want to be happy again. My kids want me to be happy again but I hurt so bad. And if I can be honest with you and this probably will make no sense it seems like if I GAL it means Ive given up on H and our M. That probably doesnt make sense right? But thats how I feel.
In IL where I live, it is a no fault state. So if he wants a D he can have one. I have contested it because I dont want the D. I wanted to see FIRST if anything was fixable. It doesnt matter what I think or want. Its just to easy to end a M.
And to end, my H has some issues. I know this. He has cheated numerous times and denied it, i believe there is a porn addiction, and some other issues. I just wanted so much for him to get help. Is it wrong for me to want him to get himself some help? Yes I know I cant force him. It has been thought he has NPD because all the boxes can be checked. Unfortunately people with NPD rarely seek help because they feel they do nothing wrong.
Again I dont know why I love and miss him like I do. But the fact is I do. This is where Im having a hard time.
Please believe I am trying to do the best I can. Yes I have been diagnosed with severe depression. I dont want that to be an excuse but it does hinder things.
Thank you 25 for all your help. You seem like you would be a great mentor. I wish we could talk.
