WAH - It's getting ugly

[adinva]

If you did the right thing depends on the context. Is this an exception in a usually reliable pattern (why not be flexible)or is he taking advantage of you (so you should set firm expectations)? My L advised that coparents work best when they're flexible, unless the X abuses it. If you're clearly communicating you can make exceptions without being a doormat.

I think more important is that you sent conflicting messages. You said yes but your grumbling suggested you didn't really mean it was OK. When he arrived you changed yes to no meaning the schedule is important. When he returned early you dropped the issue, meaning the schedule isn't that important. But you expressed displeasure meaning it is. I'm oversimplifying I know but hear how this comes across and try to know your real feelings and be authentic in your dealings with him - say no if you're not ok with it, and say yes only if you're ok with it. Saying what you don't mean and then grumbling is passive aggressive. On the early return, expressing displeasure without a clear intended result is passive aggressive. Clarifying your expectation for next time doesn't have to be a battle if you don't let him make it one. For example, "H, I planned on 7 because I thought that was our agreement. Luckily I was here this time so we can let it go, but next time I want us to write down or email our agreement so we're clear, because I make my plans based on the time I understand you'll bring the kids back. Will you agree to do that?" Hearing his verbal answer is necessary; you haven't achieved an agreement just because you made a statement that you agree with. If it is turning into a battle, set a better time to discuss it (when you're less rushed, distracted, tired, whatever) since it's really important and you want to make sure emotions don't get in the way of making a good agreement.

These are tools I'm learning as I've struggled with extreme passive aggressiveness in my M. I may not have it all right but maybe there's something in there that's useful to your sitch.

Hang in there, this sounds so challenging for you to deal with, especially with your little kids. I hope you find a lot of help and support on these forums.