Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith

[aeolianchaos]

I know I'm mind-reading, but if the anger is true, it explains so much. It explains why she felt such anger towards my work increasing in the last 6 months. It explains why she doesn't want to give the car (which she blatantly stated) or why she is going back on her word about the health insurance. It explains the comments of "me screwing her over", or the "I did it at the time because I cared about you".

I think I understand where you are coming from here.

It can be tempting to look at their anger or theorize that they are angry and repressing it. I think it provides an intellectually satisfying explanation for what is happening.

And to an extent there is likely a lot of unresolved anger going on. Sadly, validating and apologizing only goes so far. There is a point where people are gripping that anger tightly because it comes to define them in some way. Even if they don't see it as anger.

Righteousness, perhaps.

It would be putting me first (in her mind).. which goes against everything she is doing right now.

I wonder if it's possible to look at this from some other angles?

Is she really putting herself first, in terms of what she wants? Or is a question of what she fears? What makes her anxiety unbearable for her?

She has caused me many hardships, financially & emotionally but to use them as tools to benefit from my D just doesn't seem fair to her...... I'm not saying she did that purposefully because I know I didn't act that way purposefully.. but I did see that dance happen on Tuesday

What if you don't look at them as tools to benefit from your D, but simply as things that happened? However, you also stay committed to a fair and equitable process where you get what you are rightly entitled to?

The dance you speak of - it will keep happening because as much as your W believes that leaving you will solve her problems.. it doesn't really change anything.

You've already gotten this - so you are trying to change the dance, introduce new steps, new rhythms..

Does it matter that I change the dynamic of our relationship when our relationship seems over?

You tell me -- does it matter for you?

I know no one likes to hear this.. myself included.. but if D ends it.. you will eventually meet new people. And you will always be stuck with yourself.

Is there a better time than right now to change that experience for you?

Does it matter that I show her love in a different way (a more healthier way) by allowing consequences to happen?
Is this the battle I want to fight in order to prove to myself that I am worth it?

I think you already know you are worth it.

Whether or not you show her love by allowing consequences to happen .. it depends. What is in your best interests?

Separating self-interest from punitive behavior is a big challenge in this experience. I think you are asking some good questions of yourself..