Hey Gunny I did find a divorcecare group just now that meets Mondays from 7 to 9 and not too far. I emailed them and hope to attend this Monday. Hope you have a great and painless day.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
greenblue, Thanks, we are trying. My thinking is that I have loved my w since I first met her, the love has been unwavering over the years. While it is true I do not condone, or like what she is doing now, and am very disapointed and hurt, that does not lessen my love for her. I am trying hard to separate the hurt from the friendship. We were friends before we started going out, and I want to go out at least in friendship with my head held high. As almost everyone who has been divorced tells me, this pays dividends in the end, in terms of being able to have a modicum of friendship after the D, if that is the ultimate end.
How are things in your neck of the woods? Thanks for your interest! Gunny _________________________ m-51 w-45 bomb-6-11 longdistance sep-10-28-11 D?
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
rick, Mine is meeting on monday at 7-9, it is also a divorcecare group in pennington. Went to the second group last night, good meeting. Let me know how your meeting goes, have a good weekend!!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Have been reading DR, and trying to implement some 180's in my behavior, Specifically, w in the past has complained that 1. she felt not valued, not a priority in my life, my highly dysfunctional family sometimes vied, and maybe even usurped her position. She is right in this claim. Since she dropped bomb, I have made it clear to my family that I can no longer function as go to guy when dysfunctional family needs help, am working on my own codependent issues(I am middle child)
2. Our sex life was unsatisfactory to her, she felt deprived. Because of my problems with intimacy(many of which brought about by highly dysfunctional upbringing) she is right here also. Unfortunately, since bomb, we have had sex only twice, a couple of days after, and since then she has been sleeping in separate room. So, no chance to remedy this situation.
3. We didnt do fun things anymore. Have spoken to many of my friends/family and almost all of them say that we were the model of doing fun things, very rarely at home during the day, taking trips(hiking, camping, half marathons, had a cabin in the woods), so I tend to think her negative attitude on this was influenced by first two complaints.
4. I was a little to controlling, i.e. I did all finances/bills, would budget certain amount of money to her per week, see was not a problem spender. She has a legitimate gripe here, but, we had no debt and lived very comfortably, even she has said this to me as we begin to divide up assets. Since bomb, we have gotten separate checking accounts which negates control problem.
I guess my question is, w is leaving at the end of this month for long distance destination/seperation/possible D. I will have no daily, weekly, monthly, and possibly yearly interaction with her. How do I show her that I have continued to try to work on my problem areas, which again, regardless of how we work out, must be improved in order for me to become the better person that I can be.
Anyone been in a similar sitch? All comers welcome. THANKS
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Gunny Thanks for the shout out. My sitch is going well, we are working on a lot of issues, but it's clear she intends to stay. You'll find that most guys whose sitch is getting better get superstitious and have a hard time saying so. (Go's and knocks on wood)
As for separation she will notice, for one the civility you are displaying won't be forgotten. Secondly you still don't know how much contact she'll want, she might contact you a lot or none at all.
Regardless when she does it is imperative to be calm, composed, and confident. If she asks tell her all the fun things you are doing. Be cheerful, you don't want to be a wreck. No one wants to go back to a train wreck. I can tell you are working on your issues if she asks something related to them give her the best response you can. Don't be obvious because that's just unattractive.
Most importantly act like you have found happiness, and would like to actively share that with her. If your lucky she might see her dreamboat start to sail away and come back.
W called me around 12 today on her way back from ohio to drop off first load of her stuff to her sisters place(500 miles from where we live in jersey. He called to tell me that she got a late start and wouldn't be in until around 8. Wanted to see how our dog was doing(she left him home this weekend, couldnt fit him in car). Was surprised she called, generally, since we have been detaching from each other,(in prep for her final leaving date of 28 october), we have not been calling each other when we go away. I appreciated her giving me the heads up, she has always been quite thoughtful about things like this throughout our marriage.
Spent some time at 0700 this morning with my cousin, sitting by a nearby lake and having a cup of lifers juice(i.e. coffee). Beautiful day, temp around 50. He has always been my model of how to live life, hard working guy, pipefitter, worked 40 years, made good money, good investments, bought an rv, traveled all over. Divoreced when he was in his 30's, was telling me about his experience. W went to his house this past tuesday to have dinner with him and his girlfriend. He is shocked by our sitch, really likes my w, and will miss her. We have all done alot of camping,traveling together.
Went to church today, second time I have gone in almost 35 years(besides the typical holiday visits). It is a non-denominational church, people are very friendly, was originally brought there by a friend whom I have known for 15 years She and her husband have been about the most helpful friends to me throughout this ordeal, taken me out to lunch a couple of times, talked to me about their experiences(he is d once). I really appreciate their taking the time, and will not forget their kindness.
This is the time to cash in on all the good things I have done for others in my life, I guess it is a type of paying it forward, and so, it continues on...
Thanks for listening, I notice many people use this board for journaling, so though I would join in...
Semper Fidelis all!!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
