I agree DG totally. Esp about my friends (which is why I said they love me to death so of course they are going to say stuff like that)... but I guess its always a possibility, just as an OW is. I actually have been pretty good at not analyzing him much anymore, and stop trying to figure out WHY. Its a big waste of my time, and really doesn't help me at all. Then I backslide, when a new thought enters my mind. Gawd, its SO HARD to just turn off the thinking, isn't it? Thanks DG. Always thinking about you... You're a rock - even if you don't think so...
I don't post very often anymore - although I do read the board every night, so I'm still rooting for everyone else.. Its officially been a year since H left.. (which was somewhat mutual but was supposed to have been a trial separation for a couple of months). Things are still the same here.. H and I never argue, we got along great. We are kind and generous with each other. He is never mean or rude to me.. He can be hot and cold with affection, but in terms of how he treats me, he's nicer than ever. And I am the same back to him. It may have felt forced for us to treat each other like that 8 or 9 months ago, but now its completely natural - as it was before we had newborns. I don't text or call or email him EVER unless its about the boys. He is always the one to initiate contact - but that's mainly to check to see how the boys are, let me know when he is coming to visit etc. I have been very loose with his visits - he has a very demanding work schedule - and while friends think I am crazy for allowing this - I let him come see the boys whenever he is available to do so (assuming we don't have other plans). This has worked for us for a year, and it makes everyone happy - especially the boys so why mess with that (even though a set schedule might be a better easier to schedule my own days/nights wrt to GAL activities). I have to say that overall I am okay with things. Yes I want my marriage back, but things could be much MUCH worse. I know if/when the time comes for D talk etc, its going to be devastating to me. Will be even worse when he starts to date other people, but for now, I'm okay - even bordering on happy. And I should clarify that I am okay and happy with ME. No i am not okay with the state of my marriage, but i know i have done EVERYTHING I can to repair it, and I can continue to do so, but I can't control him or his decisions, so now its in the hands of him and God. I kind of feel like I've started to detach a bit - i'd say a little more naturally than others in that I don't feel like I've made the decision to detach and make some changes, its just happening on its own. Nothing major.
I know a lot of folks are against this, but I do continue to invite H along to our family activities. But he's never been weird about that and i don't think he believes that to be pursuing. We both like to spend time together with the kids. I'd say 99% of the time, H comes along with anything i invite him to. He never says no unless he has already has plans. Our little ones are just 2 and 5, so family stuff is truly family stuff - pumpkin patches, park etc. Not intimate at all. And quite frankly, I appreciate the help. The 2 year old is at that crazy age where he just takes off everywhere we go, so an extra adult is always a blessing.
In terms of intimacy, we were very regularly intimate up until about a month ago. This is where he's always been hot and cold. For the most part, he is generally the initiator. He is very much still attracted to me - and I am still attracted to him of course. However, that last time we came close to ML, I basically told him that if wanted to ML again, he had to take me on a date. I was playful about how I said it, but I was firm. I told him I understand that he is not there yet, but I wouldn't be sleeping with other men that I weren't dating.. And after a year of this, it was the best way I could come up with to start drawing the line in intimacy. Shockingly, he totally understood (of course didn't say he WOULD go on a date with me), but I think he is starting to understand that he can't go on like this forever. He definitely has the best of all worlds right now - gets to come and go as he please, be a father when he wants to be one, NOT have to do anything around the house b/c well its not his house anymore - at least not right now, and have his wife whenever he wants. Well since that little chat, things have been the same (I worried that he would start to be a jerk but he hasn't). Almost every time he is here, he asks me if i would like a massage before he leaves - even though I've been so strong at not letting it turn into anything else lol.
I've done a few other things that are somewhat out of the ordinary for me. I packed up a bunch of his shoes from our hall closet, and told him they were in the garage to take home with him. He was kind of surprised.
Anyways, so thats where I'm at. Not together, not fully apart. Still absolutely no R talk, no legal talk (ie legalizing the separation or divorce or anything). And I've decided that no matter what happens, I am not selling this house (unless I absolutely have to - but I think I just might be able to swing it if I can make some negotiations with H if that time comes).
Would love any more feedback or suggestions on things I am doing wrong and how to do things better.. There just really aren't any 'pain points' any more in our relationship other than the fact that he won't reconcile. Its weird though, we have a better relationship - including physically- than most 'happily' married couples I know... sigh... I often wonder if I am just imagining all of this.. but at the end of the day, even if H says things are good between us, he seems to be in search of some crazy fantasy marriage where you always have butterflies.. he even admitted a few months ago that he thought things were really good between us but 'not amazing'. What is amazing? He couldn't answer that question b/c he didn't really know... thanks for listening everyone....
Ugh I dont know whats wrong with me. Usually I am fine when H leaves but he just left, and I'm disappointed for the first time in a while. And I have no idea why, its no different than any other night. We did have a pretty good afternoon with our kids...we watched the first period of the hockey game (in the midst of putting the kids to bed) then after the period ended, he said he was going to 'the' bar (his go-to bar) to have a pint and then go home to bed. This is totally normal - his buddies go there to watch the game practically every Saturday night, so this is not out of the norm. Yet I was disappointed, even though he leaves every saturday night to go there.. And here I thought I was starting to detach. Maybe its the glass of wine I just drank, but now I'm bummed that he left, and even MORE bummed that I am bummed that he left.. what is WRONG with me.. sigh...
He there, I'm new here and feel like I'm heading to where you are. I just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you!! You sound like a wonderful person, loyal (perhaps to a fault:) 1. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!! If he has depression, his inability to love himself will make his reality very skewed and handicap his ability to love anyone else, even if you guys do D, you will always find love and he will always search. 2. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! At least nothing wrong with you that the person vowing to love you couldn't fix by keeping that vow. 3. IT'S STILL NOT YOUR FAULT!!! You've tried and are trying it all. If he suffers from depression as both myself and my H do he will tend to have unrealistic thinking, waiting to find that perfect someone, the perfect marriage. He keeps hanging around because you're awesome but he isn't sure he might not find something more perfect out there. If he was unhappy with you he was probably unhappy, period, if he hasn't responded to your changes. HANG IN THERE! I'll be thinking of you.
