Since my last post, I have been working very hard at plunging myself into work. Fortunately for me, I work at a credit union that is very active in social and community programs, so I've got some pretty good GAL activities that are coming up. Also, as we speak, I snagged a long weekend and have been able to steal away to my hometown. This means seeing lots of my family and friends, eating good food, and doing fun stuff.
Unfortunately, I also feel as though I'm harboring a dark secret. Everyone on my side of the family knows that my W and I have separated and may eventually D, but I haven't told anyone about OM. My dad strongly suspects OM, but I have denied it. I'm not sure why I'm keeping this a secret anymore. Maybe just in general because it's easier to keep a lid on things. I also feel that telling everybody would blow any possible chances of R and may even bring on some even nastier behavior from her. I don't feel like messing around with it for the time being.
I'm not going to lie, I'm trying hard to be strong with all of this, but the "mind movies" have been getting stronger and stronger, as have my emotions regarding them. I'm feeling that they would not be nearly as strong had my W not told me a lot of cruelly explicit details about her sex life with OM. When she first broke the news of the A, she cared very much about how I felt. When I pressed her for details about the extent of her A (like, had she slept with him?), she was reluctant to say anything, admitting "it's nothing that you want to hear."
After she quickly went into "alien" mode, she really didn't care if what she told me hurt me or not. (I would literally flinch or clutch my heart when she would tell me something particuarly hurtful and she would just act like it was nothing.) She began discussing very intimate details about their sex life, including his preference for S&M, the size of his equipment (he's been blessed down there), and just in general how more "experienced" he was than me. (I've only slept with her. He's slept with almost 10 people.) At the time, I didn't prevent her from saying anything because I had a strange desire to know the details. I'm not sure why. I just did. Now, months later, it's only making the images in my mind more distressing and agonizing.
I'm really struggling with this right now. I feel so angry, so hurt, so betrayed. I sometimes wish that I could find a way to make her hurt like she's hurting me. What hurts the most is how she has herself convinced that she's doing nothing wrong and that I'm to blame for anything. I hate dealing with someone who is so out of touch with reality. A lot of times, it makes me question my own sanity. "Am I wrong?" I ask myself. "Did I really push her into this? Was I that bad of a husband?" It's strange. If this was happening to someone else, I would say "no" in a heartbeat. But when you're neck-deep in it, it's harder to see reality for what it is.
Sorry to kind of go on about this. It was just getting bottled up and I felt that I needed to release it. Where better than DB.com? I know that I will eventually get past this. Unfortunately, I feel stuck. A lot of me feels like I don't want to be with my W anymore because she has treated me so cruelly. Yet I think of dating anyone else and the idea just turns me off.
Things'll get better, I know. Just feeling blue tonight, I guess. I'm really not looking forward to my W coming down to visit. I just want her to get in, see the rabbit a few times, then let her on out. Nothing more. I really need this darkness in order to heal from all of this nonsense. I just don't care if she doesn't "get" it or feels that I'm being selfish. I'm tired of caring about her whacked-out state of mind right now.
