WAW in Los Angeles

[wawinla]

Journal:

I'm meeting with my WAS this weekend to discuss specifics of the unwinding. We need to discuss our house/condo and the financial consequences of letting them get forclosed or sell them short. She hasn't been part of the process at all, all part of her "Eat, Pray, Love" and not wanting to deal with the reality of the situation. I'm not happy with how this will affect me financially, but she's adamant on being okay with the consequences.

Since we've had minimal contact during the separation (hard to believe that it's been seven months), I find myself getting emotional when we do see each other. I have to remind myself that I need just be who I am now. Someone who understands and owns the mistakes they made in the relationship. And since the separation, working on becoming the person I was before with the added insights from the current sitx. I know when I see her this weekend, I'll be re-playing in my mind on how did I end up here? How can this person who I've spent nearly 20 years with be the way she's been? Must fight this urge...keep it positive and pleasant.

In terms of being the person I want to be, being underemployed makes it difficult at times. Following up on the notion of being an "attractive person" and "someone a fool would want to leave", it's hard being totally confident while my career is in flux. I've had potential opps that I haven't pursued. Why? Because it would require me to leave Los Angeles and WAS and in my mind kill any chance for R. However, I am slowly gaining acceptance that this can't be a factor, that I need to do what's best for me and if requires leaving Los Angeles, it's something I need to do. When my WAS has asked how I'm doing, I get the sense she's asking because she's not happy with the thought of paying me spousal support. For me, my mind runs too I paid for your Ivy League MBA, stop playing victim.

Been boxing up and getting things organized for the inevitable move to an apartment. This process has been difficult, letting go of a life that is now gone. The reality and finality of it all...quite sobering.

A mutual friend recently ran into my WAS. He mentioned to me that she is quite happy with her new found freedom. When she friended him on FB, he mentioned to me that her message to all her friends is a quote from Steve Jobs (RIP)..."Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma--which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." His point in telling me this..."she's blaming you for her past unhappiness and relishing her new life".

It's a shame we can't be part of our new journey's together....