Im just going to give up.

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Rue

As a L I am not going to tell you a thing that sounds like legal advice for a bunch of reasons, including that I want to keep my license. As I said in my LONG post to you, I don't know what state you are in anyhow.

But that raises a point b/c I asked you several questions in my lengthy post that were designed to help you.

You didn't answer one of them....(except that you read the DB books but I'm telling you, it's not showing. What happened to the GAL and the 180s and the 2 traits you were going to work on??)

Rue, if you want help - don't be helpless. No one can rescue you from this.

Read my post to you again and think about it in pieces if you have to.

I can't believe ALL your grown children are in t for this right now...b/c you are?

MOST of your questions are either for your L (please don't let your fears dictate your life....I mean, it's like you'd rather not know the answer b/c you fear asking? Think about how that sounds...)

OR the questions require a crystal ball -we have no idea what OW is like or whether it'll last. Statistics say no. But we don't know what your marriage's issues were either...you don't really say...

OR the answers are already inside you...


Stop letting fear run your life.

PLease re read my post

((( )))

Wow! THank you everyone for the response.

I have read the db books, seen a db coach, but it seems at this point my H just want it to end. In my heart I dont feel this is
really what he wants.

contradictory^^^...

He just got caught so bad he doesnt know how to dig himself out of the hole. To much pride to swallow and he is very narcisictic.


"caught so bad" means what? And does everyone in the family and friend's circle know?

It does make it more difficult for the WAS to return b/c they feel cornered by people judging them or trying to shame and humiliate them.

I'm sure the time I felt tempted to have an affair was when my h was working so much I felt neglected and at the time I felt h was pushing me into the arms of OM.

So if I'd had an affair and then h found out and tried to shame me, I probably would have divorced him to prove myself right, and that I was not being a selfish adulterer but a woman with unmet needs....b/c after all, at the time I had almost totally justified an affair...

Hence my usual advice to tell as few people as possible about an affair.

Also if you or others are challenging his choices you are cementing in his answers by forcing him to defend those choices....FWIW -asking him questions that begin with "why?" or "How can you"? Are designed to make him defensive. Don't bother. It's not going to help YOU.
same for getting "allies to help" -it backfires....Guilt does NOT get them home...


In the earlier months it seemed like I was better, I was out doing things, joined some support groups, (which I still attend), I guess what bother me the most if the process the D is in right now. I dont want to talk about who gets what because to me it means my hope for trying to save this or try to save this is pretty diminished. It a hard pill to swallow.


Responding to what is happening is simply dealing with reality. It does not increase the likelihood of the divorce...

Bottom line is that both parties do NOT have to consent to divorce anymore...so the divorce will continue if ONE partner wants it to,

so you can participate or not.

If you don't, then your h will get more and if he's with OW, SHE will benefit by your paralysis... you really want that?

And Whatever she gets, your boys don't.


My late MIL chose not to participate in her divorce b/c she "just wanted OUT" and she filed for div and told her L to "get it done!"...and she got nothing...

so she went to work at 2 jobs for 27 years, until she got cancer, and died.

My fil is NOW a self made multi millionaire, happily remarried, with several homes. His favorite home is a 10,000 sq ft mansion in Cabo San Lucas with a 270' view...go figure.

Participate in your life. Or watch it go by...



Do these WAS' who have OW really stay in these relationships? I know its a honeymoon phase and all is hunky dory but it isnt LIFE. My H i know misses his children. And Im not sure if he misses me but I got a feeling he does. He just wont say it because to many people know what hes done and he cant face that.

why do so many people know? Stop telling everyone. What happened to the concept of Keeping the Road Home Paved and Smooth" ?

From what you are describing with this catastrophic discovery the whole world knows about, even if your h wanted to return, how could he?

Do you really think you can get past all this, Or is this all just your fears of being alone?

THat is an important issue to address. IOW

Do you believe you and your h could recover from this OR are you just more terrified of the unknown?


I have asked him recently to try therapy. If not for himself, or me or us atleast for our kids. My kids are all in therapy. I to am in therapy twice a week and will be going into more intensive therapy soon.


Stop asking him to try therapy. You are trying to convince him to stay m to you and in his mind now, that is NOT appealing. Also not working...



I have meds i take. H thinks therapy is for bashing and people who are mentally ill which he would tell you he doesnt qualify for. I know if he could just get there and see things in a different way he would come around.

really? How so? THINK BRAVELY NOW AND DIG DEEP...face your fears...

What is different about YOU that would make him believe the marriage can improve?

If you are the same, expect more of the same...sorry but you are resisting change too much. (and ask the doctor about the meds and dosage and try not to be offended by that okay? It's just that you don't sound well.)




I know it may sound to you all like im in my own pity party. Its not what i want to preceive to you. I know I have to get up and move around but my mind is constantly 24/7 on H. Thinking of good time, BAD times, times I know hes cheated, what is he doing? etc. I dont know how to turn that off.


either get a new therapist who helps you change your cognitive behavior (ie how you think b/c right now you have what I'd call a "grief/fear induced thought disorder" and you keep going around the loop and you won't take the exit ramp)

OR discuss this exact issue with your present t and MD...


I am sad but even more scared of a new way of life. To be honest Im not one that likes to be alone and feel I will be. The self -esteem is lacking.

This ^^ is clear. But change is the one certainty in life. How have you adapted to it in life before now? and what can you DO for your self esteem?

See, some people don't GAL b/c they don't yet "feel like it" but that's the thing, you can work "outside in" by

GAL and forcing yourself to go OUT there...and then find that you're glad once you did...Sort of like faking it til you make it but it's real.


How many of you that have responded to me had a good outcome with the spouse coming back? How long was it? Was there a certain thing you did to make them come back?


Did you read my post? It's in the post and my signature block. We reconciled.

RUE, I WANT TO HELP YOU...but

come on, I took a long time to write to you and it's like it went in one ear and out the other...read our posts please...and then process them, take them to heart BEFORE letting yourself panic again...




I hear affairs dont last. I dont know the percentage especially when its out of state. Also and this is quite personal did any one of you have to deal with any kind of addictions. I think there has been a porn addiction in situation with my H. Of course he has denied it. Does this addiction make them seek OW?


ALL of these are questions without good answers. Do you think there is a realistic answer that would stop your obessing? No there is not. It's such a waste of your precious time and energy. GAL Rue...or rue this whole experience...

read Beatrice and Antonia's stories. They are happily single after LONG m's...and they were just as afraid as you.

Or read Brandnewday's story wherein her h left her with 8 kids at home...and came back...

She did not shrivel up and die. She did not let fear run her life. She took care of her kids and they were younger (like mine). My kids went to ONE t appointment...and they are younger than yours now...

I fear you are making it worse for them. For 3 grown men to see a t bc their dad left their mom....are they having to take care of you now? See how unfair that is to them?

Looking forward to your responses.


I'll feel better about responding if I feel heard...

I know you are in pain--I get it-- but if it's not helpful for us to post b/c you repeat almost the same panic stricken paralyzed comments...

then it's not helpful.

What are YOU doing to work on YOU?

Do you understand that at a fundamental level no matter what else is going on with your h

that if HE does not believe he can be happily married to you

then he won't return?

Do you get that?

Okay so, then what is it YOU are doing to change YOU

so that HE can believe in a happy future with you?



As far as today...it was a bad morning. Very teary. I just hate the loneliness. I hate that I cant call him and ask him what he's doing. Im just really scared everyone. This D process is scaring me to death. So if there are any L out there maybe you could explain more of the process to me. I have a good L but he is very intimidating. Doesnt help when im so emotional.

Thank you friends. Hugs to all of you.

No it does not help that you are so emotional you cannot call your L.

I still don't even know where you live so even if i wanted to risk my law license to advise you over the internet, which I don't, I couldn't.

I asked you what state you were in but you let your panicky feelings prevent you from recalling it I guess so you didn't bother answering.

So we literally cannot help you b/c you are being too helpless.

Only YOU can stop that.

Take a breath...calm yourself.

now, please read the post I wrote to you before, again. There were other good ones too.

Let what has already been said sink in. And then answer the questions...

give us the additional information we asked for so we can assist you.

Yes-It does get better.

((( )))