I feel exactly the same way. The DB way is "don't do it." It's pursuing, it reinforces his decision.
My therapist keeps asking me when I'm going to ask my H how he's feeling, and I keep telling her I don't want to force his hand. I think if he feels he has to make a decision now, it's not going to be one I like.
Why not work on nonverbal things and avoid relationship talks, see how that goes...
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I was wondering how much time do I give him before I try talking to him about us.
It was in response to this question. I was suggesting you don't bring it up at all. Just be attractive, strong, active, improving, mature. Nonverbal things. Does that make sense? I think - and everybody correct me if I'm wrong here - but this road is a loooong one and it'll be a long time before initiating a relationship discussion is anything but damaging to your cause.
BTW what I said has nothing to do with your communications regarding your daughter. You don't have any choice but to communicate with him about her. I'm just talking about communication about your relationship. Try to ignore his jerkiness. I'm sorry he was that way to you - it's rotten. But he might be trying to get a rise out of you, so you can have an argument and justify what he's doing. Does that sound possible? Best to not react.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I understand what you mean about the nonverbal things. We do not see each other at all because when I drop my D off at daycare, he picks her up. So we never see each other.
Well, I did not give him the satisfaction of getting a rise out of me. I replied back with one sentence. I told him that I advise the daycare to let him know what is going on with our daughter so there would not be any miscommuications regarding our daughter. I did not hear from him again.
I do not plan to contact him at all except about our daughter. I will try to be patient and let him contact me if he wants to talk about us.
I can't seem to control my crying. I have hit rock bottom today. I miss my H so much. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without him. Does he miss me? Is he thinking about us? I know I need to wait for him to contact me, but it's so hard. How much time will he need? I don't know how much more I can handle of this. Any advice would be helpful.
It's been 13 weeks since my H walked out. It's been 3 weeks since we really had contact with each other. With a few exceptions of an email and text message because of our daughter. I don't understand how he can just walk out and not look back. Is the thinking about me/us? When I pick my daughter up from Daycare and we are heading home, we go in the opposite direction of her Dad's house and she points that way and says "no mommy, see Daddy". It breaks my heart. Then the weekends that I have her, she brings me her shoes and says "bye bye Mommy" and I ask her, where do you want to go and she replies "to see Daddy". I tell her that Daddy is working and she will see him later.
I went to the Dr yesterday and she gave me another anitdepressant to help me sleep. I took it last night and it did not help. I am seeing a IC and I am taking anitdepressants but I feel like nothing is helping me. I am trying not to think about him but it's hard. I am trying to move on with my life, but everyday is a struggle for me. I have a full time job and going to night school, so I am staying busy. Maybe too busy, if that is possible. I keep praying that he will come around but nothing.
It may help to read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson. Warning: the book is dated, and has some opinions about homosexuality that some may find offensive, so take it with a grain of salt, but it DOES seem to have some things to consider given your situation.
The "180" refers to changing the way you approach your relationship. If you used to complain about something your H does, show support for it instead -- that kind of thing. The basic premise is what you used to do didn't work, so do something different, in many cases the opposite. This is how you *show* your spouse that things will be different (versus telling them things will be different, which they will not believe).
In terms of your thoughts above, what you are going through is horrible and inexcusable. You have a serial cheater on your hands. It would seem that your H is addicted the thrill of the pursuit. He likes to pursue women, and get them to love and adore him. Once he's there, it's no fun anymore to do the "work" on maintaining a relationship, so he's off to the next pursuit.
People in this mode will chase married women because they are in many cases "safe", they won't expect to move in right away, and won't take a lot of maintenance work.
Unfortunately, when he looks at you, he doesn't see a pursuit. He sees you saying "here I am, please come back to me, I want you back (and your actions hurt me but I'm willing to forgive you)"
Dealing with that doesn't look fun or interesting. That's what DB is about, changing that perspective.
By "Getting a Life" or GAL, you present to your H that you are having fun without him, and don't need him to supply your happiness. That takes pressure off him, and intrigues him about what you're up to.
By not pursuing and cutting back on communication, you create some mystery -- why aren't you pursuing? What are you up to? You need to make him interested in what's different about how you're behaving.
These things are very difficult to do, because they are the exact opposite of how you're feeling. Two things that anyone on this forum will tell you are that (1) pursuing won't work, it will have the opposite effect. Think of pursuing like "chasing". When people are chased they run. (2) begging makes you look needy, and needy is unattractive.
You can't talk him back, and you can't reason him back. You have to demonstrate with action, that you are worth pursuing, and worth hanging on to, and that is hard.
We're here for you, continue to post.
--Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I understand what you are saying. I have not pursued him at all in the last 3 weeks. But here is my thing, We do not see each other at all, ex. I will drop our daughter off a daycare and he will pick her. Then she will stay with him. Then he will drop her off at daycare, then I will pick her up. So, we never see each other, how will he know if I have changed?
