Thanks Aeo! I would honestly love for my w to join me on this journey.. but it seems that card isn't part of my current hand. *shrug*

Reflecting on Tuesday - my w is still clearly angry at me. She says she wants to be fair to both of us, however her idea of fairness changes when it comes to LA. It's like our 4 years in Chicago were a marriage, but in LA.. it's different.

Our hardships in Chicago were many too. There were many times where one made more than the other. I honestly don't believe she felt anger towards me or vice versa so I'm still having a hard time figuring out what changed in her mind.

I know I'm mind-reading, but if the anger is true, it explains so much. It explains why she felt such anger towards my work increasing in the last 6 months. It explains why she doesn't want to give the car (which she blatantly stated) or why she is going back on her word about the health insurance. It explains the comments of "me screwing her over", or the "I did it at the time because I cared about you".

But I just don't know what to do about it. I validated and apologized but at the end of the day.. those are her demons.

She can continue to use that as a reason for D or her getting more than what is fair or she can deal with those feelings. I pray that God works in her heart. It would be a huge change to put her anger aside and see our marriage as equal no matter the outcome to her. It would be huge for her to say that I do deserve 50%.. even if the situation isn't ideal for her.

It would be her saying "This is hard for me, but I care (or love) you Val".

It would be her dealing with me.. which again is something she doesn't want to do.

It would be putting me first (in her mind).. which goes against everything she is doing right now.

I don't really know how to DB that. In the rare occasions we do see each other we allow ourselves to be emotional and then she closes back up. She has mentioned many times that there is no point getting emotional, they lead us in circles and it doesn't matter now.

All in all, she's pretty set on her decision not just have a physical divorce, but the emotional one as well.

I don't know what to do for myself. I have been looking in my heart and although the hurt and anger is there..I don't really have a HUGE internal struggle to use those emotions to attack her.

She has caused me many hardships, financially & emotionally but to use them as tools to benefit from my D just doesn't seem fair to her.

However I do feel that I contributed to our relationship the best I could for 8 yrs.. and for her to use her anger doesn't seem fair to me. It doesn't seem like a valid reason for me to get less. It could also be that although she is angry, this wouldn't be the first time she tried to controlled the situation. She knows how to push my buttons to get certain reactions.. and I don't mean angry ones.. but ones where I come in to protect or apologize. I'm not saying she did that purposefully because I know I didn't act that way purposefully.. but I did see that dance happen on Tuesday.

I don't really want to stop seeing us as an equal partnership. I believe it's the best way to ensure my feelings don't get in the way and that I can continue to be loving to both of us... but I'm at a hard crossroad now.

I can fight to keep it 50/50. To establish myself as truly an equal part of the marriage regardless of her feelings, setting up healthy boundaries.. and let go of the possibility of recon.

Or I could just say "screw it". Give her what she wants. Do this unhealthy cycle one last time and then move on.

Does it matter that I change the dynamic of our relationship when our relationship seems over?

Does it matter that I show her love in a different way (a more healthier way) by allowing consequences to happen?

Is this the battle I want to fight in order to prove to myself that I am worth it?

I don't know..


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.