NEED ADVICE

[any chance?]

Gunny:
Hang in there. Be strong. I have been through the exact same thing, and it really does get better. W has been gone 7 weeks, with very limited contact. You W needs time and space if there is any hope for your M. Pick yourself up. Do not mope, don't hover, don't constantly look sadly at the pile of her belongings. Act as if. Move on with your life. GAL. She has to see that there is a reason for her to return. Keep the way home paved, smooth and bright.

[gunny]

Hello Any chance,
Thanks for your quick response. I printed your story and will take it home with me to read over the next few days. Sounds very similar to mine.

I know things will get better, in some ways they have, but having to watch each day tick off is a peculiar form of torture. She is very nice to me, very amicable, in some ways, almost like old times. It is almost surreal.

GALING IS in full bloom. I have always been very independent, so striking out on my own as far as activities has never been a problem. I am learning to lean on friends much more than I ever have. Joining a couple of Divorce Support groups has been very helpful, and I joined a running club that meets twice a week.

How have you been sleeping? What do you do when thoughts of your w start popping into your head when you are lying in bed? Just curious, this has been a problem for me over the last week as DDAY draws closdr.

Hope you are having a good day, weather here in Jersey is gorgeous!!

[Rick1963]

Gunny in this site there is a solution focus post see if that helps. I have the same problem, don't know what it is about 4am? Also how did you find the support groups. I have not been able to find one.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=177766#Post177766

[gunny]

HEY RICK,
i did a google search for support groups for divorced and separated in new jersey. Found two near me, one in kingston, one in pennington. Seems like most church's have a support group in one form or another, some are more structured, some less. Let me know what part of jersey you are in, i can help find a group for you, just let me know.

Thanks for the info on the solution focus, I will check it out. Hang in there today!!
Doug

[gunny]

not a good morning, w left for ohio to bring a car load of her stuff to her sisters. This is basically a dry run rehearsal for me,since she is leaving for good on the 28th of Oct. The only difference today is that she left the dog with me. This really %&*(s.

As many of us on this board have wondered one time or another, how can someone just walk away from a solid 13 year relationship to start a new life, without even trying to work on it? It is mind boggling. I am constantly hearing from women in my office, friends, etc, who complain about how difficult it is to find a normal employed man who is not addicted, etc.

Throughout my 13 years with her, I have been kind, compassionate, responsible, sober, loving, sincere, trustworthy, my drawbacks were my unusual devotion to my family(mother, dysfunctional brothers), and my inablility to sometimes show affection, (intimacy, hand holding etc). On the face of it, no reason for divorce. I am still astounded!!

Oh well, thanks for listening, just venting, havent had much chance to do that lately, with s still living with me, and my determination to go out as friends to the end..

Best to all
S/F Gunny

[Rick1963]

Gunny the whys don't matter right now. No one can explain it. That's what I've been told. The fact is that she will wake up from her fantasy future and may regret her actions. The grass is never greener on the other side. Hang in there and post often it really helps.

[JustStunned]

Gunny, one can easily get wrapped around the axle thinking about the whys, don’t. Focus instead on those things she gave as reasons for her actions, then use action to change them consistently for your betterment.

I know you’ve heard that before. It bears repeating for repeating it will burn it in. It has been almost 30 yrs and I still step off with the left foot.

The house seems emptier than it is and that can become overwhelming destroying moral. Change the scene, get out, go for a run or anything else that changes the scenery and creates endorphins. My knees give me trouble on the run, but I run for the endorphins.

The stop sign didn’t work as well for me as handing it off. I don’t know what your belief structure is. If you believe in a higher power it might help to hand your sitch over while you work on your 180s. It may seem contrived, but when I could no longer carry the weight I asked my deity to take it on for a while. It worked for me.

I have no personal experience with this as she has not stopped running. From others I understand they do eventually stop and look around, realize where they are at and begin to look back.

Semper Fidelis

[gunny]

stunned,
Thanks for the pickup. Running is on the agenda for today, I'm down at the canal running 3 or 4 times a week,or out hiking biking the other days. I've always done thesee things, even during the marriage, and yes, like you said, the endorphins kicking in always help. Belief system has always been I believe in higher power, lately I have been focusing more on developing my faith to a much greater depth. Probably the most useful info given to me during this time has been like you say, to put everything in the hands of the higher power, focus much more on the now, the moment. This has always been difficult for me, and I might suspect for you, since as Marines we were always taught proper prior planning prevent piss poor performance, i.e. always anticipate and be proactive.

So, I am trying to live in the now, not so much in future(this turns out to be one of my w complaints about me, i.e. inabiity to enjoy the moment, always planning the next vacation while we were still enjoying the present one), shes right by the way.

Anyway, glad to hear you can still get out there to pound the pavement, keep leaning forward MARINE.
S/F

[gunny]

RICK,
You are right of course, and I know it. I have been told by almost everyone I talk to about this, that, yes, generally that is what happens. Perhaps it will happen in my case, perhaps in yours, perhaps not. Either way, we must continue to move on.

Any luck finding a group near you?

Weather sure is great, enjoy, we've been battered lately, right?
Thanks again for your interest,
Gunny

[gunny]

Good morning all,
W left yesterday for ohio to bring first load of stuff out to her sisters. This was my first full day by myself, got up around 6, walked the dog, fed him, ate breakfast, and went down to the local canal for a 5 mile run. Today was a glorious day weather wise, about 70, with not a cloud in the sky. Finished up the run and made a cup of coffee in my Airstream 19 travel van and sat by the canal and read some posts from this site that I had run off yesterday for just this purpose.

It really does help me to read the timelines of alot of these posts. Many of the stories are very similar to mine, sometimes different ages, but sometimes pretty close. Of course, I love to see it when sitchs work out in the end, and of course, I am saddened when they don't, even though the person on the receiving end often ends up making themselves a better person.

It is really helpful to read some of the nuggets of wisdom interspersed throughout the site, some of you people are darn good writers.

I am hoping with all of my heart that my sitch eventually works out also, although I am doing my darndest to prepare myself if it doesnt. As I write, I am at the local library checking out books, tonight when I get home I will have a quick dinner, beer, and then its off to my Friday night Divorce Support group, which runs from 730-930. Then its home and bedtime. Last night I slept pretty well, am still trying to get the right combo of herbal substances to keep me asleep for at least 7 hours. Tried the Stop Sign routine to halt any unpleasant thoughts that come crowding into my head at zero dark thirty in the morning, it was moderately successful, but I understand it does become more effective with practice.

Tomorrow is walking down at the canal, shopping, and maybe a movie.
Sunday I will be meeting my cousin with our campers down at the local lake for some coffee and conversation. W went to his house for dinner this past tuesday, he wants to fill me in on what she had to say.

Bottom line, I am trying to stay busy and keeping my days full. I would not wish this experience on my worst enemy, but I know someday when it is over I will be a stronger person.

Thanks again for all the support that has come my way, I intend to PAY IT FORWARD!