PLEASE!!! Need help quick! Calling all vets!

[AntoniaB]

You will serve yourself best if you stop viewing her actions as "maybe this is the phone call you've been waiting for."

I think if anyone here saw one tiny iota of that sort of thing being possible, we'd have said so by now.

I've been on this board for over a year reading and posting, and your STBXW is more venomous and angry and spewing than anyone I've come across here by a long shot. That doesn't mean this is who she has been all your marriage--but that's what I see in the time I've been posting to you. I've seen people who had a lot less anger and manipulative behavior in them follow through with the divorce and NOT suddenly "wake up" in the 11th hour and stop the divorce. That's why I am convinced this is happening and you have to come to terms with it, as awful as it is.

I am SO happy to see you taking control in terms of custody. You keep saying you don't want to p*ss her off, but clearly when she threatened your custody, you are going to do what you have to do whether it p*sses her off or not. GOOD. That's the attitude you have to cultivate overall. It's an attitude of self-protection. Try to apply the feeling you feel in terms of that issue to the rest of your sitch. This is the most "take-charge" you've sounded thus far, and this is good for you to be coming to this point.

I am here to tell you that when the feeling of self-protection becomes larger than the feeling of "I must please her" you are starting to win this thing for yourself. Maybe "win" is the wrong word, but you know what I mean.

You have to keep reminding yourself, Tad...the people on this board who have reconciled with their exes have done so LONG, and I mean LOOOOONNNNGGGGG, after the bomb. I don't know what the average time frame is, but I think it's years. A few years for the ex to "wake up", and then maybe an additional year if not more of piecing.

I truly believe that any STBX who does a 180 and runs back in the midst of the proceedings and wants to get back together "now" is only going to bolt again.

I am living proof of that--because my XH left and we were separated, only to have him move back in after 4 months, claim that everything was 100%, pledge to me with tears in his eyes that he'd NEVER EVER leave me again, and then 5 months later, start up an affair and leave for good and file for divorce.

When they leave, your addiction to them makes you want them back "at any cost" to yourself. You just need them there to feel like you can go on living another day.

When you break that addiction, you find that your addiction to them was causing you to tolerate behavior that is beyond inexcusable. At that point, you realize that you will never sacrifice that much of your sanity for someone so messed up again.

If they make the change to not be messed up, then sure...you can entertain the thought of being with them again. But until they change, forget it.

Try to look at it this way: that court date is the day that she gets what she THINKS she wants. When it comes, and life isn't magically better for her, don't you think she will start to feel somewhat like a piece of chit? I'm sure she will. That still doens't mean she'll come crawling back. What it means is that she'll probably throw herself wholeheartedly into replay to mask the pain of her actions. This sitch pushes her on her chosen path. She has to go through the steps of MLC. All of them.

Look, I don't know what the future holds for you, but I am convinced that anyone who has a chance at reconciliation needs to have a LONG separation if not even a divorce from the ex in order for both spouses to grow and learn from the past (the MLC spouse more so than the other).

Well I'm rambling but anyway, stay with your motivation to fight back in terms of taking care of yourself. Taking care of yourself is NOT being mean or spiteful. It's necessary for you to learn to be a man apart from her and from the marriage. It's necessary to build your self-esteem, and it may also be necessary for custody.