It is time to regain your power. I don't mean in an ego-tripping, arrogant sense. What I am referring to is your confidence and self-worth.Your joie de vivre. Your mojo. Who is your wife to have taken your power from you? Did she take it or did you willingly hand it over gift-wrapped with a bow on top? Why would any of us give so much power to another person?
There comes a point when this gets to be about saving yourself. Saving yourself is not selfish, it is necessary. Get her out of your head even if she remains in your heart. She is like a movie which you keep in the DVD machine, constantly pressing pause and replay so that you can you pick apart and analyse every little piece of dialogue til you know it by heart. I know it is tough. Not moving forward and detaching will be tougher in the long run. Detach. Move forward. Let Tad be Tad. Let your W be herself. It may taste awful at first but it works.
Have you ever had a relative or a friend who you love dearly but with whom you can no longer maintain a healthy relationship? You may have given it your all, you may have tried your best but for some reason that person has destructive habits and just isn't changing or has turned into someone you no longer know. What do you do? You keep them in your heart but you give them space to work on themselves. You realize that it is not healthy to wear yourself down constantly worrying and wondering about them. You let go and let God while living YOUR BEST LIFE.
What is your plan going forward? What new life do you desire for yourself? How will you create it? This may not be where you planned to be but it is where you are. This is your new movie...press start. Remember, it is your movie. Right now your wife is starring in her own drama.
Kara, I just want to say I love your analogy about the dvd. That really speaks to me. Bravo for putting this difficult stuff into such an understandable picture!
And Tad, she's so right. MOJO. You lost your mojo. I lost mine too.
Stupid, but true...I didn't watch ALL of last year of the Simpsons. Why? After YEARS of faithful watching? Because that reminded me of XH.
I put the season premier on Sun. night and felt like I woke up from a LONG sleep...a lot of us stop living when they do this to us. We start coloring the entire world with what they did. And guess what? The world is still there waiting, just as it always was, and it has nothing to do with her.
That's the world you have to grab, Tad. I have to tell you that reclaiming who you are is the most amazing feeling. If you can't believe this for yourself, at least believe this:
One year ago I talked of nothing but suicide and despair and cried all the time and never slept and truly believed there was nothing worth living for.
NOW...I can't recognize the girl who did that. I am SO much different, so much better, and so much happier...it really can happen, Tad, if you work on it!
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
What a day. Thank you 25, Q of S, Antonia, AJ and Kara. 25, you really write some amazing things!
I found out today how twisted and evil my W really is.
Unbelievable.
I finally received her pre-trial statement today. She is making me out to be an unfit father. She is accusing me of not feeding my boys healthy meals, being a "pal" to them instead of a father and having a drinking problem. I haven't had a drop since March. I've decided to get my stuff in order and I'm going to put up one hell of a fight. I can't believe her! This is the same person that wants to be "really good friends."
In other news:
She called me last night. Still don't really know why. She was giving me "advice" on what to do with things like the house. Huh? Fix the roof, trim the bushes......
I'm sure I messed up though. The conversation ended like this:
M: Why are you telling me this?
W: Because despite our issues, I still care about you.
M: Well, I really don't need any advice.
W: I can still give it to you though.
M: I guess you can, but I don't understand why you would even want to.
W: You see! This is why I can't care about you....because you svck!
She hung up.
That was that.
Whatever dude.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Why is it you think you messed up?!? Seems like you were honest there, don't you think? I don't think that's messed up. I think that's being honest and a man (you stuck up for yourself).
Good for you.
One thing that came to mind. Your W is like a teenager. She is rebellious. When you feed into that, you help propel that.
Think of it like this: a teenager goes out behind the barn to smoke. They know it's something they'll get in trouble for. So they "sneak" it openly. But what happens when you stop being that father figure? When you stop feeding into it?
The "excitement" of doing something you should not goes away.
Think about that Tad.
Meanwhile, don't let the other stuff rile you. It's expected. I expected it at least.
And then she blames you (twists the conversation) when you don't "play along"? All because you don't do what she wants?
Does that sound healthy to you Tad? That sounds like somebody who doesn't have the tools to deal with life. That's sounds childish and perverse if she wants to care.
Is that what you want to be treated like? If so, go for it. If not, then you MUST stand up for yourself and not expect her to be respectful until you demand it.
Could be a while, but your choices may be limited.
My 0.04 worth.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
So she's playing hardball here with the pre-trial statement, being all aggressive, then passive with the initial "I care and here's advice to show I care" stuff on the phone, then an immediate return to an insult and a hang-up.
She doesn't CARE. She wants to CONTROL you. She is so out of control emotionally that to pretend/come off that she has her chit together, she likes to try to dictate terms with you in your life "outside the courtroom" and pretend it's all about being friends.
Well a friend doesn't paint you as an unfit father and alcoholic if you are not one. It's likely that all she has to do to get her divorce is say "irreconcilable differences", but she wants to kick you on the way out the door and drag YOU through the mud.
My 2 cents is that if she wants hardball, give her hardball. Not on HER terms. HER terms would be you fighting with her or continuing to talk to her so she can keep screwing with your head.
YOUR terms? Go dark. Now. Finally block her on Facebook. Stop answering your phone. Let it ring. Let her text till her fingers bleed ;-) Let her blow in the wind. I keep wondering how much more you need to see before you really start to make some boundaries. I don't really see how you have any at all.
I do think the way you acted in that conversation was fine--I agree with AJM. But really, you don't even need to go through the conversation in the first place if you just stop giving her access to you.
You gave up alcohol. That was an addiction. You need to treat her as an addiction and give her up too. You have the strength to do it; you just keep telling yourself you don't. But the proof is in your not drinking since March.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Why is it you think you messed up?!? Seems like you were honest there, don't you think? I don't think that's messed up. I think that's being honest and a man (you stuck up for yourself).
Quote:
I do think the way you acted in that conversation was fine--I agree with AJM. But really, you don't even need to go through the conversation in the first place if you just stop giving her access to you.
Thank you. I just felt that maybe I messed up because I obviously p!ssed her off again.
I just finished writing a statement that I will read in court. She is going to be floored. She wants hardball? She's going to get hardball. Not because I want to be mean, but because she is playing dirty. I can play that way too, but was hoping to avoid it.
Quote:
It's likely that all she has to do to get her divorce is say "irreconcilable differences", but she wants to kick you on the way out the door and drag YOU through the mud.
Yes. Mostly though because now it is a custody battle. I'm going to fight her tooth and nail.
Quote:
YOUR terms? Go dark. Now. Finally block her on Facebook. Stop answering your phone. Let it ring. Let her text till her fingers bleed ;-) Let her blow in the wind. I keep wondering how much more you need to see before you really start to make some boundaries. I don't really see how you have any at all.
You are right Antonia, but you know what? I think I do it because I'm so bent on not p!ssing her off and I keep thinking to myself: "maybe this is the phone call I've been waiting for....."
No updates today. I just wanted to respond to your comments.
We go to court in 1 week.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
stop waiting for THAT phone call....stop waiting period. Detach and GAL...now.
besides, it's going to take a lot more than one call to undo the wackiness and destruction she's has wreacked upon the family... or you've been taking her crazy pills again!
Your sons are nothing to worry about, as they're too old to be affected by your w's allegations, which make HER look petty and irrelevant.
let her spew all she wants...
soon she'll have to lift her head from the wreckage and wonder where everyone is...but Tad
you will NOT be the first person she calls when that happens.
You'll likely be the very very last person she'll speak to of her regrets...
So Don't wait anymore...
GAL now. There is no excuse for you waiting at this point. "waiting" is literally and obviously hurting you
and your cause. How can I get you to see this? Seems so clear to me!
LET HER GO to her task...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You will serve yourself best if you stop viewing her actions as "maybe this is the phone call you've been waiting for."
I think if anyone here saw one tiny iota of that sort of thing being possible, we'd have said so by now.
I've been on this board for over a year reading and posting, and your STBXW is more venomous and angry and spewing than anyone I've come across here by a long shot. That doesn't mean this is who she has been all your marriage--but that's what I see in the time I've been posting to you. I've seen people who had a lot less anger and manipulative behavior in them follow through with the divorce and NOT suddenly "wake up" in the 11th hour and stop the divorce. That's why I am convinced this is happening and you have to come to terms with it, as awful as it is.
I am SO happy to see you taking control in terms of custody. You keep saying you don't want to p*ss her off, but clearly when she threatened your custody, you are going to do what you have to do whether it p*sses her off or not. GOOD. That's the attitude you have to cultivate overall. It's an attitude of self-protection. Try to apply the feeling you feel in terms of that issue to the rest of your sitch. This is the most "take-charge" you've sounded thus far, and this is good for you to be coming to this point.
I am here to tell you that when the feeling of self-protection becomes larger than the feeling of "I must please her" you are starting to win this thing for yourself. Maybe "win" is the wrong word, but you know what I mean.
You have to keep reminding yourself, Tad...the people on this board who have reconciled with their exes have done so LONG, and I mean LOOOOONNNNGGGGG, after the bomb. I don't know what the average time frame is, but I think it's years. A few years for the ex to "wake up", and then maybe an additional year if not more of piecing.
I truly believe that any STBX who does a 180 and runs back in the midst of the proceedings and wants to get back together "now" is only going to bolt again.
I am living proof of that--because my XH left and we were separated, only to have him move back in after 4 months, claim that everything was 100%, pledge to me with tears in his eyes that he'd NEVER EVER leave me again, and then 5 months later, start up an affair and leave for good and file for divorce.
When they leave, your addiction to them makes you want them back "at any cost" to yourself. You just need them there to feel like you can go on living another day.
When you break that addiction, you find that your addiction to them was causing you to tolerate behavior that is beyond inexcusable. At that point, you realize that you will never sacrifice that much of your sanity for someone so messed up again.
If they make the change to not be messed up, then sure...you can entertain the thought of being with them again. But until they change, forget it.
Try to look at it this way: that court date is the day that she gets what she THINKS she wants. When it comes, and life isn't magically better for her, don't you think she will start to feel somewhat like a piece of chit? I'm sure she will. That still doens't mean she'll come crawling back. What it means is that she'll probably throw herself wholeheartedly into replay to mask the pain of her actions. This sitch pushes her on her chosen path. She has to go through the steps of MLC. All of them.
Look, I don't know what the future holds for you, but I am convinced that anyone who has a chance at reconciliation needs to have a LONG separation if not even a divorce from the ex in order for both spouses to grow and learn from the past (the MLC spouse more so than the other).
Well I'm rambling but anyway, stay with your motivation to fight back in terms of taking care of yourself. Taking care of yourself is NOT being mean or spiteful. It's necessary for you to learn to be a man apart from her and from the marriage. It's necessary to build your self-esteem, and it may also be necessary for custody.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I was obsessed with my xh for the longest time [I am actually embarrassed how long] And when I managed to get clear of the obsession/addiction. compulsion [and it felt like all three] I functioned so much better, and started to enjoy life to the full.
But you need to work at it. Your wife is crazy right now. really nuts. And she isn't going to wake up one morning and 'feel better' If and when she does wake up it is a long slow, and humiliating process
If you used to drink you will know how embarrassed you were after you had gotten drunk and done and said some inappropriate things. Well this is in spades big time. And these MLCers are as proud as Lucifer. If they weren't they would have sought help like a normal person.
Accept the divorce, and with it, my assurance, and that of so many others here, that you will feel much much better a couple of months after it.
It takes some of us a long time to realise that how we feel is up to us, and not up to what the crazy people in the attic are doing today. I relate to you because I was so like you. now I have truly moved on and am extremely happy with my life. Doesn't mean I don't miss my xh and that I have ceased to love him, but there isn't anything I can do to help him, except be cordial when he contacts me, when he is civil [which he mostly is these days] He was a crazy spewer like your wife, but I refused to listen to it [a boundary], and it helped so much.
Remember once you are divorced she has no right to contact you. She gave that right away. She has no more 'weapons' except any you choose to give her by letting her spill over into your life.
Everyone tells you to focus on you, and your kids, and your life. Try and get some areas of your life working well, and have fun - whether it is exercising, listening to music, cooking. Fill your life with things you like to do. I predict in time you could be one of the most helpful posters here, precisely because you felt it all so very much.
