Hrmmm. H called earlier. I was walking out the door, so I didn't answer the phone. He waited a couple of hours and called again. I let it ring a bit, then answered. He only called to ask that I take it easy on spending (I already am), but he sounded very short and irritated. I'm not really sure why, as I don't think I have said/done anything to trigger it. Maybe he just had a bad day. Maybe his little fantasy life with his little g/f isn't so hunky dory. Wishful thinking. Heh.
Last night, I was talking to my mom on the phone. She made my night when she told me that I am an inspiration to her. She is going through a bit of depression and has turned to alcohol as a way to cope. She said my positive outlook and ways of handling a bad situation have inspired her to make changes within herself. Gives me warm fuzzies to think that my own personal journey is helping someone else - particularly someone I care very much for.
I had a weird dream last night. H and I were riding in the car and I asked him to stop at a convenience store. He waited in the car while I went in. From here, the dream focused on H, rather than what I was doing. I was inside the store for a few minutes. When I walked out, I was carrying bags of cash. H, thinking that I had robbed the joint, bolted. I mean, he couldn't pull out of that parking lot fast enough. I'm left standing there with the bags of money, wondering, "What the heck??" I had just won the lotto! (I know that when you win the lotto, you can't get big wins from the store, but dreams don't know these things lol.) Anyway, I remember I was standing there wondering what to do. Then, it dawned on me: If H would bolt on me when he thinks I am at a horrible place, why should I not enjoy what I gained? The dream ended with me feeling good about winning, but sad that H wasn't open enough to enjoy them with me.
Tonight is the first part of DivorceCare at my church. H will be coming by after work to watch the boys while I'm gone. I am not going to do anything special. The boys will probably be finishing up dinner as he's getting there, and I'll probably just be getting ready. What I am trying to figure out is how to NOT come across as cold. I want to be friendly with him and make eye contact, but I am having trouble taking that step lately. There is just a bit of awkwardness that I am having trouble getting around.
After my class is over, H wants to go over the Parenting Plan for pre-filing mediation. I don't know if he'll want to do it while the boys are still up or if he wants to wait until they're down for the night. I know we would be able to better focus on the task if they're in bed, but I have a feeling he won't want to wait. He has been avoiding being alone with me. And frankly, I'm a little intimidated by the thought of it, myself.
What I want to do when I see him, is hug him super-tightly. That would be a 180 for how I had treated him prior to him leaving. But much, much too forward and pressuring. I would love to just touch him. *sigh*
What I am trying to figure out is how to NOT come across as cold. I want to be friendly with him and make eye contact, but I am having trouble taking that step lately.
There is what we want to do, there is what DB advises us to do, and then there is what we do.
I had trouble with this. I could not be happy and bubbly acting as if most of the time I interacted. Accepting that I would not be able to accomplish that herculean task I resolved to “do no harm”. I did the best I could to keep from being drawn into the argument and drama. I tried to keep my interactions neutral to friendly, succeeding at neutral more often. Neutral has been perceived as cold, but at least it was not an angry response justifying her actions
I will not beat myself up over it for it was the best I could do at the time. I am better at it now, but it has been 9 months. This is a process, a marathon.
You’ll do the best you can, having done your best use this accomplishment to identify better for the next opportunity. Keep looking forward. Try and maintain a PMA. It is attractive and a little mysterious.
If you haven’t already considered it try a couple of subtle 180s while getting ready tonight. A different cologne, eye makeup, style of dress. Not so over the top it is fake, enough to insert a little mystery, especially if it makes you feel good about yourself.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Let me also recommend a book, "How to fix your marriage without talking about it". During a phone coaching my DB coach recommended it and oddly enough I had found it a while back and had it sitting on reserve for me at our library.
The book talks about "emotional attunement" and then gives strategies for dealing with it. It's a natural process where we tend to move our emotions to the level of other people when we're in proximity. Negative emotions are stronger than positive and so those tend to win out.
I was really grateful to find it because it's hard... I try to be Mr. PMA and it works with the kids and I. We're all PMA, PMA, PMA after school, during dinner, and doing homework. It's a PMA party.
Then my W walks in the door. Between her emotions and her depression it's like an arctic cold front just arrived. I still try PMA, but I've noticed it falters and falls flat. It's like the energy just gets sucked out of my PMA. Suddenly it's half-energy, semi-fake PMA. And I've been trying to figure out what the heck is the issue... alas, here it is... her negative energy overrides our positive and we all end up in the suck zone.
And of course the corollary to that is she then sees coming home as a painful, energy sucking experience (even though she's sucking the energy from the room). So hence it makes her more stressed and uncomfortable to come home. Bah!
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Thank you for your encouragement. It's funny that you mentioned "little 180s". I almost never wear jewelry (aside from a few earrings and before all this, my wedding set. You must understand, I am very much a jeans, flip flops, and tank tops kinda gal. Very simple in how I dress. I dunno, I guess I wanted to add a little extra something without compromising who I am, so last week, I started putting on a necklace with whatever else I was wearing. I didn't expect him to take notice, but he did. He asked me where I got it. Funny thing is that I've had it for ages (in fact, I bought it during one of his deployments - the clinking sound it makes reminded/reminds me of his dog tags). But yeah, definitely wasn't expecting him to notice something so simple.
It really is funny how an attitude (particularly a negative one) is so easily reciprocated. I had glanced at that book on Amazon. I'm headed to the library later this week, so I'll see if they have it. Thanks for the recommendation.
Well, tonight went pretty well, I think. I must say, I looked darned good. I was cool and calm. Friendly, but not overly so. I was quick to smile. Easy to talk to. I'm proud of myself. As I was leaving, I thanked him for watching the kids, kissed the boys goodbye, and walked towards the door. I glanced back, with a smile, and said, "See you in a bit." He didn't say anything and I laughed and said I was talking to him. He chuckled and said for me to drive carefully. Was that too much? Eeek... now, I'm second guessing myself.
DivorceCare went okay I guess. The program is all about healing. I felt really bad for the people there because I feel like because of this site and DR, I am a little bit ahead of them. It is nice that I am with other people who are going through a similar situation though.
I thought I would only be gone for an hour and a half or so, but ended up being gone for almost two and half hours. I felt bad because he had mentioned being tired (he wants to put off doing our Parenting Plan until Friday evening). When I came in, I apologized to him, as I had assumed the class would be an hour instead of an hour and a half. He didn't seem to mind. S1 was passed out on his chest and S4 was winding down too. He asked me if there were any cute guys there. I giggled and said yeah (there so weren't lol).
We worked well together, to get S1 into a fresh diaper and jammies, without jostling him too much. I didn't expect him to even help me there. Why is it that he is all of a sudden able (and willing) to step up to the plate to help me out even when I don't need it? Why couldn't he do that before??? He made it a point to let me know that he even cleaned up the kitchen after the boys were done eating. Before he left me, I had to practically beg him to lend a hand. I just don't get it. Regardless, I thanked him again for staying with the boys, thanked him for helping with S1, and thanked him for cleaning the kitchen. Yes, his LL is Words of Affirmation, so I am trying to let him know that he is appreciated.
After he left tonight, S4 asked me what man I love. Huh? I asked him if Dad asked him to ask me that and he said no. I was honest and told him that I love Daddy. Such a strange question. I am with him every single day and in the over a month now, he has never asked me something like that. I know he said no, but I still wonder if H put him up to it. Hmmm.
A couple of things I did intentionally (that H did not mention having noticed): On a note pad, I had a phone number written down - no name with it. It's simply a person on craigslist, who is selling some painting/art supplies (it's something I want to get back into at some point in the near future). I know he saw it, as he was looking at the grocery list under it. I also left my Cosmo opened to the sex section lol (too much??). The magazine was moved from where I left it, but again, he said nothing. I guess I am just trying to leave a little bit of a mystery trail. Anyone have any thoughts on intentionally doing things like this? Is it too much of a "game"?
I was checking our bank account online this morning and noticed a $100 withdrawal. I thought maybe it was for part of the "rent" he's paying to the friend he is staying with, but I called and asked anyway. My thoughts were correct. He went on to tell me that he was in a car accident this morning. He assured me that he is okay, but I'm very hurt that he didn't think to call and let me know right after it happened. Am I really that distant in his mind? I mean, if nothing else, I am the mother of his children - shouldn't that count as something?
This has been bugging me today... He still makes it a point to let me know that he is "not having an affair". People in our circle have told me how he talks about (flaunts even!) the disgusting things they do (how's that for respect for his girlfriend? lol). I haven't said anything to him since he mis-texted me right after he first left me, but he just won't let it go.
So here's what I am wondering:
Why can't he own this with me?
Is it because he still has "one foot in the door"?
Or is he just trying to make me believe that this whole thing is my fault and he's the innocent party in all this?
I was checking our bank account online this morning and noticed a $100 withdrawal. I thought maybe it was for part of the "rent" he's paying to the friend he is staying with, but I called and asked anyway. My thoughts were correct. He went on to tell me that he was in a car accident this morning. He assured me that he is okay, but I'm very hurt that he didn't think to call and let me know right after it happened. Am I really that distant in his mind? I mean, if nothing else, I am the mother of his children - shouldn't that count as something?
you are mind reading here and obsessing and negatively projecting. This is not a productive use of your time. Counter productive in fact.
Focus on YOUR life and GAL, your 180s, etc.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
This has been bugging me today... He still makes it a point to let me know that he is "not having an affair". People in our circle have told me how he talks about (flaunts even!) the disgusting things they do (how's that for respect for his girlfriend? lol). what people share this information with you? stop them from doing so. it's not helping and the more who know, the harder it is for him to ever recover...plus it gives him a motivation to lie, to protect his rep
I think you are really letting your head get screwed in the ceiling about this. What do you want?? Seriously....
is this man cheating on you? Sounds like it to you...right? Okay then what do YOU want to do?
Do you want him to choose you? How will that happen?
By confronting? I mean it helps sometimes...rarely...but I've heard of it. Usually it backfires and pushes them into the arms of OW.
Are you being the better choice?
Or is your pain and anger (which I understand!) stopping you from being warm/loving with him?
IOW, are you contributing reasons for him to lie to you AND go to her by the way you are being with him?
I haven't said anything to him since he mis-texted me right after he first left me, but he just won't let it go.
So here's what I am wondering:
Why can't he own this with me? B/C he cares what others think and apparently you are in circles who gossip, and or he thinks you'll leave him, AND OR you'll get angry or have a leg up in a divorce proceeding--& he'll be the bad guy
Is it because he still has "one foot in the door"? maybe....but if he is cheating and lying, what makes you think he wants to be married to you more?
Or is he just trying to make me believe that this whole thing is my fault and he's the innocent party in all this? I'm not a mind reader. Sorry.
The question is why this matters IF he's cheating and lying to you...so, what difference does it make?
You think if he's cheating/lying to you about it, BUT SAYS he wants to be m to you...
what difference does it make what else he says
if what he's DOING is so wrong to you?
Does anyone have any insight?
I think your energy has to shift its' focus from what he is doing and why and what he is thinking and why
to what YOU want & what kind of life and future you will begin to create today.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
