I get ya B. I hear what you are saying and in some ways agree. Perhaps we are the blind people describing an elephant?
Many facets to be sure.
I agree that many of us need to know the make and model of the truck that hit us. That's very true and I am one of those. Or have been. There comes a time when I have to admit I like a good puzzle as much as the next person, but there are just some things I don't have the information to solve. This is one of those.
I think that to an MLCr, the reality they created is what they react to. I have to admit, if in my world I saw those things I would have reacted similarly to my ex in many ways. Not all, but many. The "old" her would have done some things differently as well. We were very similar in many of our beliefs and actions.
In some ways I was no different when it comes to creating a reality or creating a story. In looking back, I had a strong need to create a story as well. I see that across many of our situation posts in this arena. I too had to create a new identity.
One difference is that I did not create "facts" to support the dissolution of the marriage. I did not manipulate to create behaviors the manner my ex did.
My point to the above is that her choices are her choices. They are what matter in the end. In the absence of a reason, the actions are still clear and must be dealt with. There is no way around it. I tried..
MLC as a term is just very broad I think. I see why it is so contentious as well. The other reason may be that over time the lies become reality (either self-fulfilling or accepted in the absence of other views). But it does seem, at least in my case, to be a crisis of identity that occurs at mid life. One that tears families apart for no explainable reason that I can see. I don't think my ex saw one either and hence needed to "re-remember" things to support the desired outcome.
Seems that may be controlling and may be akin to what I did trying to saving the marriage. In fairness, DBng actions can be used for this purpose if the intent is not for oneself. There was some truth (self fulfilling?) to the accusation of controlling behavior at that point.
I hear ya though. MLC exists for me but I get why the pros may argue it. I see both sides of that argument.
Peace! AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
