Wife no longer in love with me - Part 4

[MrBond]

"I feel so useless and have no control over anything that happens in my M now. I guess I need to accept that my life as I knew it will never return......my W and I will probably never reconcile. She is single and free and is basically trying to relive her youth and college days."

That's your depression talking. You don't have control over your W, not over yourself. Rather than focussing on the negatives in your life, try looking at the positives. Why don't you ask the kid in the hospital cancer ward if your life [censored]? How about the vet who had his limbs blown off.

You're your own man and life will beat you down. But it is your choice to get back up.

[Drew]

Here's an idea -- DON'T LOOK AT FACEBOOK!!!

[rickb89]

I'm sedning good vibes your way and maybe it will all work out, at least for you it will. Good luck!!!!!!!

[workinghardguy]

Thanks for that comment Mr. Bond... You're absolutely right of course. Yes this suxx but things can be far worse. Years ago I worked with at-risk kids who threw themselves pity parties all the time. I got so tired of it that I set up part of their community service to be reading stories to kids at the local pediatric oncology ward. THERE are people with a real reason to be sad, but even they found a way to soldier on.

[dbmod]

^

[cam]

Just called my W to talk about splitting assets again.....she never answers my calls.
I'm so sick of sitting here waiting for something to happen. Have been away for the weekend with all couples - very depressing.
I feel I want all this to happen now, I just want this pain over and get it done. My best friends wife, who is my W's friend too, but they rarely talk now, always tells it how it is to me - she loves and cares for me, but doesn't love me like a husband. I hate hearing that.......and also no one understands how my W can say she just want to 'put all this behind her'......no one gets how anyone can just do that with a M.

So, she won't call me back as usual. I want to ask her if she's considered what I asked her last week just to get something happening instead of nothing......it's just so weird how anyone can spend 8 yrs together and then all of a sudden no want anything to do with them or talk to them again....like i don't exist and we didn't spend all that time together. I'm sick to death of this.

[MrBond]

"no one gets how anyone can just do that with a M."

Actually alot of people can. Just not you.

So you've made the decision to D have you? Pity.

If not, then why are you pushing it through? Have you read any of the prior posts? You're still being driven by fear and insecurity. Is that the type of man you've become? Fearful and insecure?

And don't blame this on your W. Your being afraid has nothing to do with her. Sure she took away your security blanket, but did you really want to make it as if she had control of your life?

You're acting out of fear. YOu're not letting her sort things out. Again, this is her timetable not yours. How would you like it if someone TOLD you that you had to make a decision NOW? Would that make you want to come up with a decision or push it away?

Listen.

[cam]

So you've made the decision to D have you? Pity.

You're acting out of fear. YOu're not letting her sort things out. Again, this is her timetable not yours. How would you like it if someone TOLD you that you had to make a decision NOW? Would that make you want to come up with a decision or push it away?

Listen.

Thanks Bond, I know I can rely on your feedback to put me in place

I actually think I have made the decision now that I need to give up on this and give her what she wants, for my own sake. I'm starting to think that I can't even imagine being with her again either, or wanting to be with her. I don't trust her and she has done too much damage to me, my family and our M.
I've owned and accepted all my faults, but she won't look at herself and this pattern, which she has carried through her life, will continue - she will keep running away. From problems.

Yes I am afraid. I'm afraid that I may never meet someone and have what we had, I may never have kids, I may always be alone......but I also need to meet someone who wants to be with me, and would stand by me. I'm afraid that I'm tainted as a divorcee and failure....I'm embarrassed to tell people of my sitch. There is a girl who is my account manager at an ad agency I use, who I like and is very attractive and we have to go to china together for work soon and I'm embarrassed to say what I'm going through because I feel like a failure.

I can't do anything about a D until February anyway, but I can start getting my balls back and take some control over this rather than have her call the shots.
She has no respect for me, and I know I wasn't always the best husband, but you don't treat anyone like she has treated me particularly when I did so much to try and save our M.

[workinghardguy]

She has no respect for me, and I know I wasn't always the best husband, but you don't treat anyone like she has treated me particularly when I did so much to try and save our M.

One things I've noticed Cam is that your comments say you know a lot of how your W thinks. Look at the above quote for example. According to you, you know she has no respect for you.

But you don't know that. Her behaviors may say that she has no respect for you, but do you really know that's how she feels or thinks?

Take a moment and think about a teenager. Teenagers push and push to create separation from their parents. If you were to look at many teenagers, even the most troubled, you would think they have no love or respect for their parents. But very often it's the exact opposite. The problem is the teenager is so wrapped up in their own issues that they do things that are self-gratifying and immediately gratifying.

I know it is very hard to not see disrepsect and intentional pain in what our spouses are doing. And an A is a whole new level of that. At the same time, you are choosing to assign a specific intent and value to that action. Then you are using that intent as an excuse for taking a drastic action.

If you want to quit and end your M then do that. But don't make it because of her disrespect. Make it because you are no longer willing to work at it. Because the pain is too much. Because you're tired and can't do it anymore... whatever the reason is. It's not wrong to say you're at that point... each of us has our own breaking point. But saying it's because of what SHE's doing, you're scapegoating her. If you quit then man-up and quit. Don't blame her.

I can't say what I would do in your shoes... with no kids involved I very well might quit too at the point you're at. But quit on your terms, not because you're a victim.

[cam]

Thanks WHG, but I'm done....I've had enough.
I'm sick of feeling sad, lonely, depressed and anxious about my W and what she's doing. I want out.
I emailed this morning and gave her a list of everything we own and asked her to start splitting it all up for what she wants.
Its not because of her disrespect....it is because I need to start respecting myself more. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me or love me. I don't deserve this.
I don't want to love someone who doesn't want to love me. I don't want to be best friends with someone who doesn't want to know me.
I need to move on with my life, put this behind me and remove her from my thoughts and life as she has done.