Wife no longer in love with me - Part 4

[cam]

Cam,

I hope you realize that I'm truly trying to help you. Yeah, I might be a little tough and blunt, but I believe telling someone the answers is nowhere near as beneficial as when someone figures out them out on their own.

That's why I try to get you to think about things for yourself in your situation. For instance, I feel a lot of your problem is right here:

How can I show her I'm changing(?)

Why might I think that?

Drew I very much appreciate your bluntness and telling it how it is, and thank you for taking the time to tell me that.
I can see and hear that you think that I am trying to change myself to get my W back....and yes in a way I am, but I also recognise and realise that I needed to change myself for me. My W has said it twice to me now, that she has seen that I've changed a lot and made changes to my life, but she hopes I am not doing it for her, and its for me.
Of course ultimately I want my W to see that I've changed and want to give our M a chance, but I also know that its probably unlikely and she would just rather put this behind her and move on, as she tells me.
She seems to think every time we talk or catch up gives me false hope so she would rather no contact. I've been trying to give it to her, but I have my DB coach saying initiate contact which I do and then it all goes to sh!t. Starts off ok, and then inevitably it goes to our M talk, either from her or me and then she either wants to leave or get off the phone.

I want to be a better person for me and for my life. I am just struggling with not having her in my life and what I wrecked and lost.

[cam]

How is YOUR GAL going Cam? Any new friends or any new things you have been doing to help get yourself out of it all? For me, I've been making new friends and hanging out with several. That's a big 180 for me.

I understand how you can question your W noticing your changes if you have NC--- but Cam, I wonder....in your sitch in particular, NC might be a really good option to allow YOU time to heal. If hearing her voice, etc... brings you back to a really bad place inside, perhaps complete silence. No email. No text. No phone. Concentrate on ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that makes Cam Cam -- and that can make Cam happy.

imho you are taking wayyyyyyy too much responsibility for the breakdown of M. Step back and really reflect. The IC should help some with that. And keep posting. I know it helps me a lot to just get it all out!!!!!

Thanks IS.
My GAL is going terribly....I have a lot of friends, but they are all married and have kids or having kids. Being around them makes me sadder as I think about my W so much and miss her. I don't even know how to make new friends, kind of a weird prospect at my age.
I have been busy of late, but I am going to social functions and sporting events for work when I alwasys took my W, and all other people are there as couples - I'm surrounded by it!
I am off to the Maldives next week to go surfing, but going by myself, so I'm not even sure that's the right thing to do spending more time alone, but none of my friends could go because they are all tied up in their lives and marriage.
I hate being alone, I hate living alone, I hate my W not being there when I get home at night.
She's been moved out since February, and to be honest it just gets worse and worse and I miss her more and more. Yet she couldn't give a stuff about me - and that's what hurts so much, as she used to be obsessed with me and adore me.

Last year her birthday card to me said something along the lines of 'i love you so much I cant explain, I'm so happy and proud to be your W and look forward to sharing the rest of our lives together and many more birthdays'. Now its all gone,. She used to say she got butterflies when she saw me after being away for a night, and even when we saw each other after work.
All this stuff she said, and I believed it and now I just think it was all a lie, my family think she used me to leave her crappy life in the States and to get residency in Australia.
As your name suggests, I am in shock and disbelief that this has happened to us.
And to hear her say our R was always a struggle and how all our memories are tainted just breaks my heart.

[Drew]

Cam,

You really need to find a way to pull yourself together. All those things she told you were the way she felt AT THAT TIME. Now she feels different. Tomorrow she may feel some other way.

Get off the rollercoaster.

DETACH.

You notice couples because you're looking for couples.

Nothing wrong with going surfing alone.

Embrace life.

[cam]

Thanks Drew. Do you know of any good reading on detachment and how?

Also interested in your thoughts on this:

My DB coach wants me to meet my W for a coffee to give her a set of keys to the house to get her things whilst I am away. And to be pleasant, kind and gentle with her. I probably could try this, but I am so scared as when she gets her things from the house, to me that's final. There's no going back.
I don't know whether I should be at the house if she does it, or let her do it herself.
But it's more the fact that I'm so scared to come home to a house empty of her presence.
Interested in your thoughts?

In terms of GAL, this morning I got an email from a bank in NYC wanting me to interview for a job, which would mean a move from Australia to USA. Very strange, as it's something my W and I were looking at 2 yrs ago together and now an opportunity comes up for me, and we're no longer together. Don't know what to do about it, whether I tell her or not.

[MrBond]

Forget about the detachment stuff for now and concentrate on reducing your anxiety and fear. If you can't conquer that, you won't be able to detach properly.

[Drew]

Cam,

Detachment and codependence go hand in hand so just search those topics at your bookstore or online. I read "Codependent No More" but it was awhile back.

My opinion? If you're strong enough to meet her and be confident and not get dragged into an R talk then I would agree with your C. Unfortunately, I don't think you are .....

And now the 2x4: You complain about things around the house reminding you of her but then you say you don't want to come home to a place with all of her stuff gone. Which is it?

to me that's final. There's no going back.

Why? And who wants to go back? Shouldn't we be moving forward?

Cam, I think at some point you need to find your you-know-what's.

[NTX_Dad]

cam -

You mentioned you want to sell the house because the memories are too painful, and now you say you don't want her to get her stuff because her presence will be gone.

You have to get a grip and let go for your own sanity, and because it appears unattractive and weak to her.

If I were you, I would almost be tempted to pack her stuff up and ship it to her. It shows some kindness but at the same time demonstrates detachment.

I'd be interested in other opinions on that though, as I am relatively new victim of the WAW sitch myself.

[cam]

I know, I deserve the 2x4 on that! I am contradicting myself.
Yes its hard having her things in the house, but it is also me hanging on to our life together (ie not detaching).

I think I will wait until I get back from my holiday to do this and bide some time to try and compose myself.

And I don't want to go back....I have told her that and told her who would want to go back to how our M was over the last year, look at how unhappy I was and a downer on things etc, I wouldn't want to go back to that either. Rather I want us to go back to what we once had and create a new R together. Again, she didn't buy that and is set in her decision to D.

NTX, I have thought about sending her her stuff, but my interactions are so limited so I probably need to maximise them (once I work out how to cope). I don't know if anyone else has experience with a WAW who just doesn't ever want contact or to see the H again???? As we don't have kids, she feels there is no reason for us to see each other or talk anymore.....I guess with the way she is acting, it makes me feel so much worse and as if I was the worst H and deserve to be treated like that. I may as well had an affair the way she thinks of me.

[Drew]

it makes me feel so much worse and as if I was the worst H and deserve to be treated like that.

It is entirely your choice to feel that way.

Or not.

[cam]

Just saw on facebook that the girl my W lives with is having a massive 30th birthday next weekend......I can only imagine what will go on there. She likes to party and dabble in party drugs so no doubt my W will cut loose as well and there will be guys everywhere........I can't detach when I think about things like that and what she will get up to.

I feel so useless and have no control over anything that happens in my M now. I guess I need to accept that my life as I knew it will never return......my W and I will probably never reconcile. She is single and free and is basically trying to relive her youth and college days.