jon, which porn addiction forum did you find me at? BG or TTF?
Karma and everybody else, I'm sure now that I won't be inviting her to the pumpkin patch due to the following revelation/update:
10/5 My lawyer left a message asking me to call her as there were some matters to discuss. I return her call and she tells me after her meeting with my wife's lawyer about two weeks ago, she was told that my wife is making allegations that I am addicted to child pornography. Truly, my past is coming back to nip me in the behind. I've never been addicted to child porn, but one of the first times my wife suspected of my porn (about 4.5-5 years ago) and searched through the computer folders, she found pictures of all kinds, and some of them were of children. They were part of a (or many) bulk zip files (the ones with hundreds or thousands of files each) I had downloaded and archived to our PC. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your POV) I had never seen those (and many other) pictures until that day. However, that has stuck in my wife's mind ever since then.
Fast forward to today, my lawyer asked me if I am addicted to child porn. I said no, but I am still addicted to porn. I don't look at it, but I still experience internal struggles; that is, after all, the nature of any psycho-somatic addiction. I told her everything from my earlier posts here - about how I sought help from my minister (a family-marriage counselor), elders, close friends, became active and accountable to porn-recovery forums, and even here. I also told her that even though my wife is gone, I set up an internet filter on my PC and have the monthly usage reports sent to my sister. My lawyer said that's good to hear that I'm a realistic addict and true to myself, that the struggle is a constant one, unlike others who say they're done, period. Well, that was me two years ago. What a difference that time and a separation/divorce makes.
So now I'm in two quandaries: 1. My wife knows that the only way that she can leave the state with our son is by throwing down the gauntlet (I'm surprised she didn't make physical or emotional abuse allegations while she was at it). My lawyer suggested that I pursue the next step in finalizing the divorce to protect myself and place the precedence of our son's custody terms. 2. If I do, it will (a) take our son away from his mom (who wants to move to the east coast for her medical residency, which is highly likely). He's used to 50:50 (well, more like 70:30, no thanks to mom) right now and to take that away from him would be devastating. I won't settle for less, because he has stability with me - his daycare, his friends, I have normal work hours (mom doesn't), (b) possibly kill the chance of reconciliation, and (c) until he is old enough to comprehend it, our son will have to suffer through a major adjustment phase. Needless to say, I've been pushed into a tight corner here.
