NYCPeter, this is easy for all of us to say, and hard for all of us to do. It goes against what you want in the moment every time. It's the opposite of what you want to do.
From my perspective, you are trying so hard and suffering so much, you just want a little back. You want a little acknowledgement, a little respect, a little appreciation. The longer you go without getting it, the more you want it, you get desperate. It would be so damn easy for your W to just give you a little bit of what you need, yet she doesn't. Then, when you get a little opening to make a comment, or to try to make your W feel badly in some way, you feel you need to do it, because your brain believes you'll get some relief and feel better after you see the reaction it provokes.
What your rational mind realizes is that it doesn't work -- that remorse, appreciation, respect, whatever it was you wanted to provoke never comes. You get the opposite reaction, the hole gets deeper, then you feel worse and want it more, it's a negative cycle.
There's no easy answer to this, you are fighting being human. Know that and accept that you are not broken, you're a human in an extremely difficult and challenging situation.
If your W does give you a little, you are driven to desperately seek more, that makes her run and makes it harder for her to give you a little again. It deepens your hurt because you saw a glimpse of light, and then it was snuffed out.
My DB coach told me yesterday that another exercise you can try is to assume the best intentions. If your W says something that you could interpret as positive or negative, interpret it as positive, always assume the positive, it will affect your outlook, it's an "act as if".
The other thing she said is to treat your W as your best friend. The thing with a best friend is that the relationship has no expectations. If they help you, you are thankful, but if they don't, that's ok too, because they're just a friend, you don't expect, you appreciate. By the same token, if a friend says something nice to you, you don't make a big deal about it, you might give it a slight acknowledgement, or you may not -- you may change the subject instead of delving into an R discussion.
I have been trying this with my W, and it is surprisingly effective, because it takes the spotlight off! Very hard to do given how you feel, but effective
--Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
