I am a very traditional type person who just wanted a normal stable marriage...I thought that is what I signed up for but he did the bait and switch...I'm so confused!!!
[[[Up]]]
What a LONG strange trip it's been, huh?? Wish I could offer more, but I must say what has been said (probably) millions of times here (and will continue to be said)......it's not what we signed up for, but it's what we GOT! And you know I say WE because we are in this together, and think about this the same way.
I think that you have made a lot of progress and are a different person than when this started, but I also think that (like ME) you are still holding on to so much hope, that it is impossible for you to move on (correct me if I'm wrong ). We can say we are ready to move forward. We can say, and even act as if we've accepted what has been forced upon us - but deep down that "till death do us part" thing is part of us - it is part of WHO we are---not to mention we still love our H's. You have had the encouragement and the enforcement to fuel your hope, which makes it all that much harder----BUT it's far less than what you want, need or deserve.
No one can tell you what to do or what comes next - and you KNOW that. It's time once again to look within and focus on living for YOU. You know what you are living now is not a "normal stable marriage."
I so wish this was all SO much easier. You have the battle wounds to show how hard it is. I wish I could tell you to let him go completely and that by doing that and truly moving on he would some day return to you and want that marriage and realtionship that we dream of (what I still want for myself)......but I can't. All I can tell you is what I'm working on for myself - let go completely to save yourself.
I keep telling myself that my H and I were together for 25 years before all h@#$ broke loose. Am I supposed to completely give up after 5 years of h#$%? 6? 8? 10? I don't know. I do know I'm tired. I also know that I let go by very small pieces each day, but the hold on my heart is still there. That nagging bit of hope is still there. I wish I had the answers.......but I don't.
Be kind to yourself. Remember you have NO (absolutely NO) control on how he sees all of this. AND you probably don't even KNOW how he really sees all of this. Find your happiness. Celebrate you and your kids, and have a JOYOUS holiday season (that's what I'm planning for myself ).
Di
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
Wow Di - are we twins? 3 years ago when this crap really heated up I can remember saying to my kids "a handful of bad decisions shouldn't erase a lifetime of good." And I have believed that - but it's now more than a handful of bad decisions. It's a complete eradication of the man I married. He is not present in any manner.
We had a terrible ice storm on Thursday. Did H call S to check on him? - No. He is completely detached. Why do I care so much for someone who doesn't care about anyone but himself? I don't know the answer.
Upside - all these words from other people are just those - words. All of us have faith that WHATEVER you choose to do - will be the right thing for YOU. And I think you should be kind to yourself and proud of yourself for making those kinds of choices. They will be the thoughtful, reflective decisions of what is best for you.
We got your back sista:)
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
It's been a couple of months since I posted....so here is the update...
My H and I were legally divorced as of Dec.19th. I pushed for it because I was done but he came back claiming he wasn't sure he wanted it. I thought he was going to stop it be he that didn't happen. I was struggling with that before the D was final I actually tried to get my H (now XH) to stop it....well, he didn't want the D but he didn't really want to stop it either...At first I felt kind of strange about it but then I decided I don't have enough time or energy to worry about it. My XH is with me most nights and spends the majority of the weekend with me. For now, it seems to be working well enough. It isn't perfect but as long as he is treating me with respect, I'm okay. I'm not sure what the future has in store but my XH tells me that he wants me in his life seems to be making plans for the future as much as he can. So we will see. He even sent me a roses today...he hasn't done that for a veeerrrry long time.
I wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day. This can be a tough place to be on days like today so don't forget to love yourselves.
Hello...I'm not sure if many here will remember me...it's been awhile. I just wanted to check in and give a little update...
It appears that I am finally off the MLC roller coaster...permanently I hope! I've been divorced now for almost 10 months, but here is the kicker, my XH and I have been getting along pretty well (really better than that but I don't want to jinx anything!). My XH seems like he is almost the man he used to be...improved in some ways and still lacking in a few others. Things are good...he now seems to be committed to the relationship and wants to be with me almost every night. He still has a place that he can go to when he needs space however he has given me a key and invites me to join him when he stays there. In fact, next month he will be moving out of that place into a weekend place we are buying together.
My XH has been more stable, caring and respectful and makes me feel like he truly cares and appreciates. He is now acknowledging the depression he was experiencing however he still feels that what he did was justified and says that nothing would have changed if had not done what he had done. I try to acknowledge what he says even though I don't necessarily agree.
So, things are good...not perfect...but without a doubt, improving almost everyday. Will we get remarried?...I can't answer that right now but for the moment that is ok. I think we have both learned to adapt and appreciate the little things so much more!
My advice for all newbies...trust your gut. People do go through crisises so don't let other people make you doubt that. Now, that being said, that doesn't mean you should be a door mat. I don't mean to be cliche but if you don't respect yourself, no one else will.
Upside, good to hear from you, and very glad that your xh is coming out of this. I have come to the view, having been at this a looong time [changed my name here because I suspected that my xh had sussed out who I was] that there are different types of MLC, as well as different responses.
If we start from the assumption that no-one is perfect, we can still look at 'normality'. Basically there seem to be crises where the lbs comes to realise that they had a co-dependent marriage, and that the marriage was problematic. Doesn't mean the WAS isn't having a MLC, but the underlying marriage was problematic. Then there are others where the LBS is basically OK - not perfect, but OK, and the WAS is the one with problems. This isn't any predictor of who comes out of it, but I think it does explain a variety of responses to MLC that we see here.
We all have to work on ourselves: I am a much stronger more involved human being for having gone through this. I still love my xh, or the man he was, although I am detached from him, and living a good life. But in his case I can see it is a severe mental illness which he did not recognise, and has tried to treat himself, with disastrous results. Sounds patronising? I don't mean to, but all the signs are that he is also realising that things are seriously askew with him.
So I would say, all the advice is good, don't put your life on hold, work on yourself, and see it as a great opportunity to do things you always wanted. But ultimately I agree we should trust our gut.
). We can say we are 