Turning Over A New Leaf

[25yearsmlc]

So, fresh start here.

No, not "fresh start" b/c you again ignored almost all the feedback a bunch of different poeple gave you.

That's dismissive and soooo typical.

But You still don't get it?

You see, if you go down a road that alarms us all in such similar ways, like how you seem to be heading towards "unfit parent" allegations about your ex bf OR WORSE....

(which is how I saw it with the BPD claims) and how KML and Gabby and OT saw it, along with the obviousness of the abuse pamphlet you wanted him to see

you don't blow ALL that off and begin "fresh" as if you've learned something -- OR as if all of what we've said is false, b/c we don't know the real you and we are all wrong.

If this is your "journaling place" then I daresay this IS you...it is literally ALL based on what you say here.

I'm not interested in another story about your "inner work" or "inner shift" or "a new breakthrough".. and "amazing stuff you've JUST learned" "really sinking in"....as you "continue to work through your grief"...

Good gosh Lila, Sorry but that is OLD to us. Heard it before.

That's not accountability. It's you blowing us off again...and that's why people drop out or "Break their vows" of silence. They see you cycling through the same old and yet, you really don't seem to see this, do you?

You think there's something new b/c todays little details are. But the same picture emerges for US.

"Starting fresh" is what a healthy person does when you own up to your stuff and THEN process it, and then CHANGE IT, and THEN move foward & start fresh.

Some people apologize or make amends to those whom they've wronged, but only someone STUCK & REISTANT TO CHANGE, just thinks they can "start fresh" & repeat the same unaddressed behaviors/questions...&

ignore what many people have posted ...(b/c ALL of us are wrong?)

You skip or dismiss the hard steps, b/c they anger you. That spins wheels.

So you think the options are lashing out or ignoring what angers you. There are other options Lila.

But this is why you repeat the same behaviors -

And you want us all to forget what was said and NOT answered?

That frustrates posters...and costs you them. It's okay to recap so they feel heard and then say you need time to respond well, but don't blow it off. HAPPENS a lot with you if the question makes you bristle, and most do.

I asked a few posts back, where you were headed with the BPD claim --and if you were simply angling to allege he was unfit. You sailed by that question...

Then KML and Gabbys and OT's and KenF's all said similar things as we were all struck the same way, especially when we saw the abuse pamphlet you let ex bf see

See - the single thing ALL success recon stories have here (with Div Busting,)

is that...the LBSer does the bulk of the work and the most changing--based on bravely digging and owning and changing things that needed changing and were NOT attractive in them...it's NOT the WAS changing..[u].

If that happens for the WAS, it happens later, in reaction to sustained change and improvement on our end.

Good luck...and Good night.




Met with MaleFriend tonight who looked at the budget I've kept since giving birth to D (meticulous accounting on my part) and we went over that, then added all my new expenses - plus paying off debt, ira contributions, saving for a car, certification, travel) and realized I need to take home 63k per year after taxes. Woah.

Pretty eye-opening (and this accounts for EVERY expense except savings and D's college fund).

Ahem. Wow. Fortunately, before I left his house, we shaved it down to 53K by reducing my rent from 1475 to 1000 and taking out the 200 a month in heat (this was assuming I moved into an apt for that - which I found a few of in the paper today).

So next time, we'll go over how I might shave another 10K (tight) but I think I can do it and get it down to 43K and just know that's how it'll be for a year, before I can make more money so pay off debt then use debt payments toward savings/college, etc.

I'm still sending out 20 resumes a day to different places, learning a new skill (SEO writing) and working my *ss off.

But I have to say, leaving his house tonight, I felt like a new person. I needed to do this 10 years ago and I had a little grieving period for myself about how my parents abused me around money and I allowed myself to be abused by exBF around it and this was one of those blind areas in my life that I think feeds into the codepency cycle around self-care.

This and sh*tty Rs all my life have been my big blindspots/rough areas, and I've done sooooo much R work so intensely in the last two weeks by hiring the new IC and really finally *getting* the concept of boundaries and putting them into practice every single day now - really getting it.

I know it seems like basic stuff to some people, but I was probably pretty severely codependent to not be able to have grasped this stuff.

So I'm really entering some adult space, and being so much more consciously aware of things like when I'm in fight/flight or when I can appeal to someone with a boundary by letting them hear me in a way they can hear me.

I think I mentioned here the list I made of all the ways I thought exBF had power over me - and that was only a week ago, and already half the list is vanishing. Amazing.

I've been exhausted - worked 16 hours Monday and usual day is that (7 am to 11 pm) - and D was up from 10:30 last night til 3:30 am and then up at 6:45 - but IDK - I have all this new fresh energy that just feels good.

Got a flu shot, getting dental work next week, getting bloodwork, researched health insurance, looked for apartments, found a new IC, weaned D, "met" someone (that I've been talking to online through a parenting group - but we just write emails and I actually talked to him on the phone last night and we sort of hit it off but I can't really be in that boat right now - though he gave me SOOO many good ideas around this coparenting stuff).... got my house cleaned, bought frames to frame D's artwork and the photos from the photo shoot we did Sunday (my mom split the cost with me and I'm excited to have black and white photos of D and I), more caught up on coaching work, signed three new contracts, talked to exBF a lot since last night (he was an hour late to MC - did I mention this?)

Got through to him (I think) he's coming tomorrow and apparently I'm "on probation" - and he's going to find us a new MC. Accepted his offer for $$ which is not what I asked for, but better than nothing and better than standard child support.

Got D fall clothes, made progress with new sitter (in terms of her schedule) have social plans for the next few weeks...feel more settled, etc.

Yay!