AJM - I both agree and disagree with your post. I believe MLC exists. From our perspective, when we are dealing with it, especially in the early stages, the objective is our survival and how to rebuild our lives and flourish.
Some people are analysers and some are not. To the non analytical it doesn't really matter why. They are primarily active in their response, and get through it that way. Analysers want to know about the truck that hit them. That is the way they are made.
Obsessing about it isn't good, but wanting to understand it is just part of their make up, seems to me.
As to choice, I fully agree we are our choices, but when our view of reality is seriously distorted, as with 'hoarders', to take an obsessive rather than addictive example, they persuade themselves that their aberrant behaviour is normal. And this is what I believe the MCer does. They reduce their mental space, their capacity for making choices is reduced. They come to believe they had no choice.
Am I excusing the MLCer? No, I am trying to understand where they are at, and the futility of trying to apply normal 'rules' to them.
Our own life is important, our MLC spouse was an important part of that life, and we need to understand, at some point, what happened, what we contributed, and how we can develop. For me, an understanding of my xh is crucial to this, although I can see it may not be for everyone who posts here.
I am not, btw, advocating trying to 'understand' all the MLC utterances and specific crazy behaviours, except to see a pattern. Understanding a MLCer doesn't mean this - it is about understanding the underlying mental state, if we can and if we want to. There is no one way through MLC for the LBS and a variety of outcomes for us as well as them.
