Im just going to give up.

[InAPickle]

You're not alone Rue.
We've all felt/or feel what you're feeling.

Consult with your L and make a solid counter offer.
You deserve what's legally yours with the benefit of a little satisfaction (don't get mad, get even.)

I did it. I don't totally hate my XW, but I wasn't going to let her walk away from the M with more than she deserved and leave me in ruins.

From what you've said, it's time to continue to work on you, your happiness, your emotional well being, and not have these things tied to your H. You think he's let you go? Let him go. It's hard, I know; I still find myself wondering about a future reconciliation, in spite of the fact that I do not want the alien who is possessing my XW.

It's one of those stupid things: "I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering!"

You can do this Rue. Get well, get emotionally healthy, get strong, GAL! and be the attractive great catch you are. Make this situation, his loss, not yours. He may even realize it some day.

Prayers,
pickle

[Rue]

MrBond, Im trying to hang in there. I just feel like im losing people left and right. Is it me? Have they heard enough? Its so hard for people to understand this when they havent walked in these shoes. Its so easy for them to say just move on. Its not that easy. I know what my H has done is something no one deserves. But I cant get past all the good i see/saw in this man. I truly do not believe for one second in my H's mind that he thinks he is a fool for moving on and leaving me. He justifies everything in HIS mind. UGH. so frustrating. What can he possibly have in a relationship with a woman who is 800 miles away. He has his once a month meeting with her. He has his vacays with her. Maybe its just the intimacy he wasnt getting enough of when he was home. He said in an email to her, he finds it so easy to be nice to her. Really? Nice? Is that what its all about. I wasnt nice all the time. I can admit that. Who is? But you leave because you seek niceness? I just am struggling. Thank you for your input.

[MrBond]

Rue,

We all are going through or went through the same rollercoaster of emotions you're going through. They don't call it a rollercoast for nothing. My W turned into Mrs. Hyde when all this happened. She's not like that any more, but she just seems ... lost. It really does show that it's not about you, but about them.

Don't take the blame for everything. He contributed to the M not being fed properly just as much as you. The differenc is that you now know what it takes to make a marriage great. He doesn't. It shoes immaturity and lack of understanding.

[Rue]

Hi Friends, Its been awhile over a month since I posted. Things still are bad. Im at my lowest Ive ever been. The D proceeding continue and I just find it so hard to accept. Broke down in the attny ofc yesterday so bad that he ended our meeting very quickly. I told him I was sorry for being so emotional but thats just how i am these days. I feel like ive hit a brick wall and dont know how to go over it, around it, through it. Im scared to death of what this new life for me is going to be like. Ive never been on my own. Went from living with my parents to married to living with my H for 29 years. I havent seen him since july and the past month he has stopped all communication with me which was usually texting. Until... today. Yesterday at the attnys ofc i was informed that attny had set up a four way meeting with me, H, my attny and H's attny. The meeting was scheduled for today. Yes 24 hour notice and I was not ready to hear that. I told the lawyer i absolutely was not prepared to see my H and that I couldnt see him because Im just to emotional right now. Well needless to say my attny was not happy. Today I get a text from H saying that he had to reschedule a business trip because me and my attny picked this day for the meeting. H was not happy there was no meeting. I explained to him I had just found out about it the day before and was not prepared. My attny decided not to tell me until the day before because he knew i would worry about it. Well I also had surprises which he found out. So after not hearing from my H for over a month, he would completely ignore anything I texted him, he started texting all evening. He wants to know what I want for a settlement and wants to know now. I wasnt about to go there with him and he kept asking. He said he doesnt want this to go to trial because thats how all the attnys make their extra money. ????? There is a pretrial hearing next week. From what I understand that is where both attnys get together with judge to discuss the progress of the case and the judge gives recommendations. Does anyone know if thats true? H says he will insist that a trial date is set if no agreement is made my next week. Again I havent heard from him in weeks and weeks and weeks and now he is all chatty about settlements. H says if no agreement is reached the judges dont like that and we will both suffer from that. Does anyone know if thats true? He really wants this over. Ive tried telling him again this was his decision and wasnt mind and that its never to late. H didnt respond to that. He is still with the OW who lives out of state. I told him that his relationship with her likely wont last and I think he will have regrets later. No response. What do you guys think? Is this really the end. How do I give up. My kids need me to be happy again. Its affecting my relationship with them. They dont and hate to see me sad but dont know what to do. It seems like all I do is talk about H and they are sick of hearing it and about how sad I am. But I am and I cant hide it. I dont know what happened to this H of mine. I just dont. I wish he would see that theres always hope but all he talks about is settling. He said he's sick of living in a one bedroom space. He rents a room from a friend and basically only has access to the bedroom and bathroom. What do you all think? Is it over? Will he change? Why dont I hate him for the cheating and lying? I disliked him more when he lived here at times. Sorry to talk so long. Please write back. You guys are a good support system.

[luvless]

My simple advice? Let him go.

Do not avoid court. Go so the judge will grant you what you deserve!

Live your life for you and your kids.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Luv

[25yearsmlc]

Rue

just a few comments...

(first, please write in shorter paragraphs so we can better follow the narrative)

Okay Rue...

honey, you sound clinically depressed and so my first question is whether you are getting treated for it.

You must.

For your sake and b/c You are a mother and you MUST pick yourself up enough to function better than you are. You have smartly identified that your sadness is interfering with you being present for them...which means they're losing two parents at once, so you have to get help.

I say this as a woman who has been there and done that. I got help, Thank GOD. I had to, b/c like you, my anger and pain consumed ME and my energy and all my thoughts AND

my pain and anger kept me from being the mother my children needed and deserved.


I know what's it like to live more than half your life with a man and then have him "gone", as in poof, not present anymore. You wonder how you're going to make it...you literally wonder IF you will make it.

But you will.


WHen I was in your shoes I went around and around in my mind like a freeway loop, never taking the exit ramp. Just kept asking "Why?" and "How could he?"

etc

and it was self indulgent and repetitive and frustrating for my family and friends, and boring...

which was NOT bringing out the best in me for sure. (also NOT attractive to h)

My biggest regret to this day, is how much time and energy I wasted asking questions that have no good answers...

and wondering/obsessing about h and what h was thinkig/doing/planning/feeling, who he was with, how he could be gone so long and not miss us or think of us or whatever....nonstop almost 24/7

Instead, I could have spent that energy on creating MY NEW LIFE for me and for my kids. I could have reduced the pain I was feeling (and spreading...)

My oldest sister had to snap me out of it,
she told me "Get a grip. He's gone & we don't know why or if he'll return...so YOU have BE HERE now. You have children who need you and a life that is still to be lived."

So Rue, I say that ^^^ to YOU...


I don't know exactly what woke my h up but I do know that once I got a grip and realized I really was going to survive and thrive, eventually, and that h was losing more than I was...and that I'd be happy...I got happy...inside.

and i believe it emanated from me. And I think h began to miss me and wanted back in, b/c he saw something to miss.

So I got help, real help. The meds helped immediately and over time, as did cognitive therapy, a great mc (really an "IC" since h didn't go for a very long time) and a Godsent DB coach.

I also worked out, joined clubs (I GAL really really well if I say so myself) and I took walks (aka my "fury marches") and listened to motivational books on my IPod or optimistic music, or romantic music with the idea of a vague OM in my future...all done to give me HOPE.

Rue, have you read the DB or Div Remedy books? Make sure you do that!

okay so for now, you have to get well and strong enough to be able to handle a meeting with your L and your h's.

Don't freak out and regret it the rest of your life

You are stronger than you realize. DO it for your kids.

FUNCTION for them b/c what if they were in an accident and medical help was an hour away?

You'd focus, right?

You'd shut out your fear of doing the wrong thing, or "what if this? what if THAT??"

and you'd apply pressure to the wound or do CPR or something OTHER than freaking out yelling helplessly, right?

So get THAT PART of you that exists already, and let HER OUT to run the show for now.

b/c you have to get it together.

IF you continue to throw your hands in the air, there's a real chance the court will think it's manipulative (I KNOW it's not but I"ve seen judges roll their eyes and I guess they see it too much or they are divorced themselves??) And I've seen courts give less than they might have,

b/c the woman overplayed the helpless routine or b/c the judge felt that she should or could have done more in the marriage financially, and sympthasized with the h...hate to tell you that but it happens.

It does NOT help you in court to say "I've never learned life skills" and "Can't cope".

If your h suddenly died, you'd have to function better. You'd be there for the kids and you would carry on. Right? I mean would you honestly shrivel up and die? I doubt it.

I know you are deeply wounded and rejected in a way that isn't felt by a death
but that is ego. Ego and the possibility of reconciliation make rejection different than death, but the absence of the spouse is the same.

So is the need to GAL.


So imagine your h had died and a few years had passed, and you were happy.


what does that look like? Get some details in the picture for yourself b/c your mission is to try and create THAT


or as much as you can, NOW....


Rue, IF there is a chance for a reconciliation, it'd be by YOU doing THIS. Being a woman of strength, humor, compassion, intelligence, and faith.

And if there's no chance, and he's really gone for good, you'll be better off by doing this that much sooner.

So in your situation the same course of action is needed either way. GAL and move forward...forward motion, one step after another...

you CAN do this. Let GOD strengthen and guide you.

Be the best YOU that you can be. That's your DB work anyhow. Be a woman only a fool would leave.

The more helpless you seem the less attractive and it may make leaving you easier...as in, his discomfort makes him want to flee more.

Guilt doesn't bring them home.

Model for your children how a woman of strength & Dignity handles such a blow.

yes you feel pain. Severe pain. But guess what? Your kids will face similar heartbreak and setbacks too so you are modelling the reaction they'll think of when they are heartbroken or betrayed or fired. How do you want THEM To act then?

Show them that something can be very painful but not fatal and very hurtful but not eternal.

Your pain is not fatal or eternal.

you will be alright someday, and happy again, and you will laugh and love again.

IF YOU CHOOSE TO...(b/c it's a rare person who decides to stay stuck forever in a mire of wounded self pity and I don't expect you to do that.)

I think you'll pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start moving forward one step at a time.

For now, Get some help. Don't feel shame in it, like I said, been there, done that.
And help your L help you.

((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

ps Rue

I don't know where you live or the laws of where you are, but your L does.

Ask them the questions you are asking us. Don't worry so much about "the costs"

and lining the pockets of the L's as your h will pound over and over.

I am a L and would never dream of representing myself. I hired a L I trusted. I hope you did the same.

BTW it was my L who said 'file for a sep and NOT a div, b/c I believe you two have a shot at reconciling..."

you certainly cannot trust your h's opinions.

DBing does work but by your tone here, in which I sense despair and sadness

I don't hear a lot of div busting.

Sorry Rue, but what I hear is hoplessness since July, and that's not DBing.
(have not read your thread prior to then)

Also your kids need to have a r with him and I think your chances of a recon are higher with them having a r with him than without.

By punishing him, if that's what their no contact is meant to do,

they are pushing him more towards OW. Do you see my point?

Ask yourself what you are bringing to the table, as of today, that would make your h think marriage to you now, could be better and different than before.

you keep saying you don't know how to be anything but a homemaker...

really?

You can't learn a new skill? Did you know how to cook and raise kids when you married? no, you learned...and you can learn other things too.

Bottom line is

I don't hear why your h would believe marriage to you, from this day forward,

would be better than before. It has to be. Surely you have changed and grown...

But if He cannot see that, then he probably won't return.


Do you see what I'm saying? Can you tell us 2 traits you worked on that you wanted to change in you

that you have changed? Some behavioral 180s? And what are your GAL?

I really want to hear about all that. That is DBing.

hang in there

[NorthStar]

Rue - please, please take read carefully what 25 has written. I've followed all the advice she has given on these boards and its helped enormously getting me to where I am today. Its hard to believe, I know, but it does get better.

[25yearsmlc]

geez Northstar, I don't even know you, so thanks...

Rue, is today better?

[Rue]

Wow! THank you everyone for the response.

I have read the db books, seen a db coach, but it seems at this point my H just want it to end. In my heart I dont feel this is
really what he wants. He just got caught so bad he doesnt know how to dig himself out of the hole. To much pride to swallow and he is very narcisictic.

In the earlier months it seemed like I was better, I was out doing things, joined some support groups, (which I still attend), I guess what bother me the most if the process the D is in right now. I dont want to talk about who gets what because to me it means my hope for trying to save this or try to save this is pretty diminished. It a hard pill to swallow.

Do these WAS' who have OW really stay in these relationships? I know its a honeymoon phase and all is hunky dory but it isnt LIFE. My H i know misses his children. And Im not sure if he misses me but I got a feeling he does. He just wont say it because to many people know what hes done and he cant face that.

I have asked him recently to try therapy. If not for himself, or me or us atleast for our kids. My kids are all in therapy. I to am in therapy twice a week and will be going into more intensive therapy soon. I have meds i take. H thinks therapy is for bashing and people who are mentally ill which he would tell you he doesnt qualify for. I know if he could just get there and see things in a different way he would come around.

I know it may sound to you all like im in my own pity party. Its not what i want to preceive to you. I know I have to get up and move around but my mind is constantly 24/7 on H. Thinking of good time, BAD times, times I know hes cheated, what is he doing? etc. I dont know how to turn that off.

I am sad but even more scared of a new way of life. To be honest Im not one that likes to be alone and feel I will be. The self -esteem is lacking.

How many of you that have responded to me had a good outcome with the spouse coming back? How long was it? Was there a certain thing you did to make them come back? I hear affairs dont last. I dont know the percentage especially when its out of state. Also and this is quite personal did any one of you have to deal with any kind of addictions. I think there has been a porn addiction in situation with my H. Of course he has denied it. Does this addiction make them seek OW?

Looking forward to your responses.

As far as today...it was a bad morning. Very teary. I just hate the loneliness. I hate that I cant call him and ask him what he's doing. Im just really scared everyone. This D process is scaring me to death. So if there are any L out there maybe you could explain more of the process to me. I have a good L but he is very intimidating. Doesnt help when im so emotional.

Thank you friends. Hugs to all of you.