Back home - but for how long?

[Grocerykartman]

NYC,

My take on your backsliding is that you still don't actually believe that you need to stop acting angry about this. I think that deep down you still think somewhere that if you show her enough emotion, anger, disgust, etc., then one of these times she is going to snap out of this and shape up. You say you know you must stop this, but I don't think you're in the right frame of mind yet to follow through with it.

I understand. What was hardest for me was that my WAW was doing so much cake eating that I kept suspecting that she didn't really want to go through with ending our marriage. I'd get good signals and positive vibes and then it would be back to her doing disrespectful things as soon as I thought we could possibly be getting somewhere. One step forward, two steps back. I'd go berserk when she regressed, because of that. This kept on and on for quite a while, then finally, I just reached the end of my rope with the disrespectful stuff.

But not in an explosive way. Finally got to the point where instead of getting angrier, I got calmer. Instead of panicking and worrying, I accepted the new reality of my life. Doesn't mean I liked it, but I had to accept it. My wife's walking away was now a part of her past, and also a part of who she now was. Was a decision she made that shaped the woman I was now interacting with. I had a choice: I could interact with her in the same old fashion, which was getting upset because I was still in disbelief that this was all occurring, or I could stop getting upset and realize that it really happened, and take up a new attitude of "how do i deal with this from here?"

I think you are still in major disbelief that this is actually occurring. It's like you're still trapped in the bad dream segment of the whole ordeal.

So, I think what you are still doing is trying to deal with your sadness and anger by responding in a way that is no longer applicable to the reality of your situation. When I say that, I mean, you have to accept that your wife is now a different, troubled person who is also dealing with a troubled marriage. She is addicted to SOMETHING here...hopefully it's just being addicted to staying out all night and being away from you and not anything worse.

Regardless, I think you have to handle the situation with more thought and consideration than just getting mad about it. Would be like if your child or a friend or other family member makes a really poor decision that had severe consequences. You can get upset at them all day long, but getting upset doesn't change the fact that they are now in a heap of trouble and their life cannot possibly go back to how it was.

Your old marriage before all this baloney started is over. No amount of getting angry is going to erase all this, or stop it. Just like I said in the beginning of your posts, where apologizing won't work or it already would have....well, same here...getting angry won't work or it already would have.

I wish you well.