Met with MaleFriend tonight who looked at the budget I've kept since giving birth to D (meticulous accounting on my part) and we went over that, then added all my new expenses - plus paying off debt, ira contributions, saving for a car, certification, travel) and realized I need to take home 63k per year after taxes. Woah.
Pretty eye-opening (and this accounts for EVERY expense except savings and D's college fund).
Ahem. Wow. Fortunately, before I left his house, we shaved it down to 53K by reducing my rent from 1475 to 1000 and taking out the 200 a month in heat (this was assuming I moved into an apt for that - which I found a few of in the paper today).
So next time, we'll go over how I might shave another 10K (tight) but I think I can do it and get it down to 43K and just know that's how it'll be for a year, before I can make more money so pay off debt then use debt payments toward savings/college, etc.
I'm still sending out 20 resumes a day to different places, learning a new skill (SEO writing) and working my *ss off.
But I have to say, leaving his house tonight, I felt like a new person. I needed to do this 10 years ago and I had a little grieving period for myself about how my parents abused me around money and I allowed myself to be abused by exBF around it and this was one of those blind areas in my life that I think feeds into the codepency cycle around self-care.
This and sh*tty Rs all my life have been my big blindspots/rough areas, and I've done sooooo much R work so intensely in the last two weeks by hiring the new IC and really finally *getting* the concept of boundaries and putting them into practice every single day now - really getting it.
I know it seems like basic stuff to some people, but I was probably pretty severely codependent to not be able to have grasped this stuff.
So I'm really entering some adult space, and being so much more consciously aware of things like when I'm in fight/flight or when I can appeal to someone with a boundary by letting them hear me in a way they can hear me.
I think I mentioned here the list I made of all the ways I thought exBF had power over me - and that was only a week ago, and already half the list is vanishing. Amazing.
I've been exhausted - worked 16 hours Monday and usual day is that (7 am to 11 pm) - and D was up from 10:30 last night til 3:30 am and then up at 6:45 - but IDK - I have all this new fresh energy that just feels good.
Got a flu shot, getting dental work next week, getting bloodwork, researched health insurance, looked for apartments, found a new IC, weaned D, "met" someone (that I've been talking to online through a parenting group - but we just write emails and I actually talked to him on the phone last night and we sort of hit it off but I can't really be in that boat right now - though he gave me SOOO many good ideas around this coparenting stuff).... got my house cleaned, bought frames to frame D's artwork and the photos from the photo shoot we did Sunday (my mom split the cost with me and I'm excited to have black and white photos of D and I), more caught up on coaching work, signed three new contracts, talked to exBF a lot since last night (he was an hour late to MC - did I mention this?)
Got through to him (I think) he's coming tomorrow and apparently I'm "on probation" - and he's going to find us a new MC. Accepted his offer for $$ which is not what I asked for, but better than nothing and better than standard child support.
Got D fall clothes, made progress with new sitter (in terms of her schedule) have social plans for the next few weeks...feel more settled, etc.
Oh, and one more thing I thought I'd mention is that one of the perks of exBF not being here is that I went from spending all my time with D to a 30-hour a week nanny and exBF being with her about 32 (all day saturday - thurs afternoon and mornings and nights) and now regaining a large part of that time with her... so I reconnected, and that feels good.
To be clear, Your question about where you can find "the techniques and 180s in "the other DB book" was very odd If you are reading the DB book AND that's all
IN the book you have claimed to be reading.
I said keep reading. It's clear why I assume you didn't read it-still do b/c the question you asked revealed a lack of familarity with the basics of the book.
And you said you were reading it back in May or June...
Thus your claim about your sister having read it and being an expert in Dbing...is in conflict with your questions.
Do you still say you don't see how dismissive it sounds about DBing here?
Look at how you handled my comment about my brother's recent death in Afghanistan and how his wife has handled herself since.
I told you that my sil, the widow, has done so much great work, and my younger sister was also widowed (08)& put herself thru nursing school, and how they both inspired me.
I said things about their positive attitudes and how they process their grief and loss, (which you often refer to doing yourself)
and I said I think your judgements about others have been off putting...(they were to me)...b/c you do make sweeping generalizations more often than you realize.
I told you that it "pushed a button" in me and
I owned that but it seems obvious why that would be...YOUR reply?
You insulted me about "the irony" of my being "just like" your ex bf...and then you projected a bunch of stuff on me...what?
You completely ignored my brothers recent death, &
I was speechless.
B/C i then reminded you in a follow up about my brother's DEATH
to give you a chance to regroup and retract, and you said the post was
"too long to read"...(yeah Lila, that's what you said...)
do you see how that comes across?
That's the type of interaction you have to think about too b/c It's infuriating.
I had to wonder, were You too angry to see the comments about his death b/c of the comments you didnt' like, so you filtered out the rest????
Do you do that in real life?
that's all I have right now
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So, fresh start here. No, not "fresh start" b/c you again ignored almost all the feedback a bunch of different poeple gave you.
That's dismissive and soooo typical.
But You still don't get it?
You see, if you go down a road that alarms us all in such similar ways, like how you seem to be heading towards "unfit parent" allegations about your ex bf OR WORSE....
(which is how I saw it with the BPD claims) and how KML and Gabby and OT saw it, along with the obviousness of the abuse pamphlet you wanted him to see
you don't blow ALL that off and begin "fresh" as if you've learned something -- OR as if all of what we've said is false, b/c we don't know the real you and we are all wrong.
If this is your "journaling place" then I daresay this IS you...it is literally ALL based on what you say here. I'm not interested in another story about your "inner work" or "inner shift" or "a new breakthrough".. and "amazing stuff you've JUST learned" "really sinking in"....as you "continue to work through your grief"...
Good gosh Lila, Sorry but that is OLD to us. Heard it before.
That's not accountability. It's you blowing us off again...and that's why people drop out or "Break their vows" of silence. They see you cycling through the same old and yet, you really don't seem to see this, do you?
You think there's something new b/c todays little details are. But the same picture emerges for US.
"Starting fresh" is what a healthy person does when you own up to your stuff and THEN process it, and then CHANGE IT, and THEN move foward & start fresh.
Some people apologize or make amends to those whom they've wronged, but only someone STUCK & REISTANT TO CHANGE, just thinks they can "start fresh" & repeat the same unaddressed behaviors/questions...&
ignore what many people have posted ...(b/c ALL of us are wrong?)
You skip or dismiss the hard steps, b/c they anger you. That spins wheels.
So you think the options are lashing out or ignoring what angers you. There are other options Lila.
But this is why you repeat the same behaviors -
And you want us all to forget what was said and NOT answered?
That frustrates posters...and costs you them. It's okay to recap so they feel heard and then say you need time to respond well, but don't blow it off. HAPPENS a lot with you if the question makes you bristle, and most do.
I asked a few posts back, where you were headed with the BPD claim --and if you were simply angling to allege he was unfit. You sailed by that question...
Then KML and Gabbys and OT's and KenF's all said similar things as we were all struck the same way, especially when we saw the abuse pamphlet you let ex bf see
See - the single thing ALL success recon stories have here (with Div Busting,)
is that...the LBSer does the bulk of the work and the most changing--based on bravely digging and owning and changing things that needed changing and were NOT attractive in them...it's NOT the WAS changing..[u].
If that happens for the WAS, it happens later, in reaction to sustained change and improvement on our end.
Good luck...and Good night.
Met with MaleFriend tonight who looked at the budget I've kept since giving birth to D (meticulous accounting on my part) and we went over that, then added all my new expenses - plus paying off debt, ira contributions, saving for a car, certification, travel) and realized I need to take home 63k per year after taxes. Woah.
Pretty eye-opening (and this accounts for EVERY expense except savings and D's college fund).
Ahem. Wow. Fortunately, before I left his house, we shaved it down to 53K by reducing my rent from 1475 to 1000 and taking out the 200 a month in heat (this was assuming I moved into an apt for that - which I found a few of in the paper today).
So next time, we'll go over how I might shave another 10K (tight) but I think I can do it and get it down to 43K and just know that's how it'll be for a year, before I can make more money so pay off debt then use debt payments toward savings/college, etc.
I'm still sending out 20 resumes a day to different places, learning a new skill (SEO writing) and working my *ss off. But I have to say, leaving his house tonight, I felt like a new person. I needed to do this 10 years ago and I had a little grieving period for myself about how my parents abused me around money and I allowed myself to be abused by exBF around it and this was one of those blind areas in my life that I think feeds into the codepency cycle around self-care.
This and sh*tty Rs all my life have been my big blindspots/rough areas, and I've done sooooo much R work so intensely in the last two weeks by hiring the new IC and really finally *getting* the concept of boundaries and putting them into practice every single day now - really getting it. I know it seems like basic stuff to some people, but I was probably pretty severely codependent to not be able to have grasped this stuff.
So I'm really entering some adult space, and being so much more consciously aware of things like when I'm in fight/flight or when I can appeal to someone with a boundary by letting them hear me in a way they can hear me.
I think I mentioned here the list I made of all the ways I thought exBF had power over me - and that was only a week ago, and already half the list is vanishing. Amazing.
I've been exhausted - worked 16 hours Monday and usual day is that (7 am to 11 pm) - and D was up from 10:30 last night til 3:30 am and then up at 6:45 - but IDK - I have all this new fresh energy that just feels good.
Got a flu shot, getting dental work next week, getting bloodwork, researched health insurance, looked for apartments, found a new IC, weaned D, "met" someone (that I've been talking to online through a parenting group - but we just write emails and I actually talked to him on the phone last night and we sort of hit it off but I can't really be in that boat right now - though he gave me SOOO many good ideas around this coparenting stuff).... got my house cleaned, bought frames to frame D's artwork and the photos from the photo shoot we did Sunday (my mom split the cost with me and I'm excited to have black and white photos of D and I), more caught up on coaching work, signed three new contracts, talked to exBF a lot since last night (he was an hour late to MC - did I mention this?)
Got through to him (I think) he's coming tomorrow and apparently I'm "on probation" - and he's going to find us a new MC. Accepted his offer for $$ which is not what I asked for, but better than nothing and better than standard child support.
Got D fall clothes, made progress with new sitter (in terms of her schedule) have social plans for the next few weeks...feel more settled, etc.
Yay!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sorry, 25. I guess I can't say anything more. I feel really trapped, like anything I say from here forward is going to continue to be misconstrued and I'll continue to be bashed; I don't even know how to get out of this at this point. Things have gotten so confusing.
If I go to write, everyone is in such attack mode, waiting for my every word to bash me that even my positive posts (above) are somehow still seen as a joke.
Lila they are not attacking you. They are challenging your thinking. A person can not change that which is negative unless they see it themselves. Until that time you will remain stuck. Believe me, I have been looking at myself like never before and at times I don't like what I see. Hang in there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
At this point, I'm just bewildered. I can't keep track of what it is anymore that I'm doing/not doing/not saying/not reading/not responding to.
I would like to be able to continue posting, but everything I say - including positive posts about turning over a new leaf, are creating a lot of controversy and apparent drama, and I really just want to move forward.
Lila lets use an example. If someone here tells you that you are stubborn. Just look at it and see if there is any truth to it. Don't fight it, there may be some truth to it or they may not be. If there is some truth to it than you change that by not being stubborn. That's how it works that's how you change. hang in there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
That's fine, Rick. I'm just not sure what that would look like. I take everything everyone says in, I might just not reply, "Okay, you're right. I'm stubborn." Or apologize to people for being stubborn?
I just read, take it in, keep doing work, write with where I am, etc. I don't even know what to say anymore. The incidence with the domestic violence pamphlet was a big deal, yes, but once one person responds about it, I get it. Twenty more people don't then need to chime in and berate me. It doesn't even make sense.
I lived it. I apologized to exBF - I even found a new IC b/c of that incident. Because I got so shaken up and shaken to the core over that day.
It's as if people assume I cavalierly go about making idle threats to exBF to manipulate him. Why would I do that? It doesn't even make any sense to me.
I got scared and didn't know what to make of what was going on - GENUINELY ... I'm still upset over it. I know in my heart why exBF pulled that stunt. He even "half" admitted it in MC.
And I'm perplexed. Three weeks went by and I was doing 180s, minding my own business, we had agreements (written) and schedules, and boundaries, and he does that shite all the time. Defending him is one thing (getting me to see that it may not have been aimed to hurt) but seriously - the man walked into the house and went nuts out of the blue, and I wrote several posts saying "Something is up" - days before that incident, then that.
But everyone focuses on the end result and acts like I did it spitefully or to hurt him. I didn't know where my boundary was. And so I talked to a new IC immediately and she got me so on track in 1 hour that I am talking to her again today and quite my old IC whose been around for years.
Does that show I might be ever-so-slightly MOTIVATED here to do stuff different?
It gets really defeating to keep listening to people say you have changed one bit, Lila. And oddly I keep posting. When was the last time anyone said a single positive word to me on here? Is that what this is about?
Even a moderator had to step in last thread just to get people to stop airing their judgements and criticism.
Again, I want to post here, because I do learn. I'd be long gone if I couldn't take it, but I'm not about to spend hours reading through past posts that I may have not thanked posters for, responded to, apologized for, etc. I just don't have that kind of time right now.
I even genuinely apologized to 25, and she still has more and more and more grievances. I don't even know what this is about anymore. I've just lost sight.
