Thank you for sharing this story with me about the woman from Rwanda. Truly puts things into perspective.
I cannot tolerate anti depressants...after a wreck that nearly took my life years ago i suffered ptsd and anxiety...and was tried in all kinds of different ones until they finally put me on xanax. I was on that for 8 years and the dr insisted it was time to end it so i went through a hellish 7 month withdrawal of tapering. So at this point i'm not so keen on going that route again. I will if i have to..
You mentioned choosing one db technique and sticking with that...it took me awhile to find something that seems to work...i noticed when i tried it, h responded favorably. What i'm doing is...being really calm and laid back. Not talking at all about r. Not asking questions like...."why are you an hour late?" and being somewhat cheerful...but not overly fake...just myself as i am when im in a good mood.
When i am like this...he seems to be relaxed, has come up to me for hugs...and last night he came over and sat next to me during a game we were watching. And he seems a bit more affectionate.
So maybe what i am doing is having a positive effect. There is still that bit of uncomfortable feeling there...between us. Like the uncomfortable silences.
He told me the other day that he still thinks we have a chance, but he doesnt know if i will change and "let him be himself".
I started my new db technique i mentioned on his birthday....the next day he was telling me how happy he felt, thanked me for giving him a nice bday, then commented that things felt natural between us.
If h finds a job and apt, we will move asap. 25, i am thrilled about the prospect of going home again and having more around me.
At the same time, alllll these fears rise up in my heart...
What if he gets out there and decided he doesnt want to be with me
What if he cheats again
What if (fill in blank for anything that could go wrong)
I have to trust him, even when i dont have a drop of trust left.
The hardest part of doing my db-ing technique is...smiling when i feel like im dying inside, being calm when i feel like crying....and somehow beating back emotions i feel about ow, what he did, things i read...his bad treatment of me. I feel anger and resentful at times.
This is taking some major self control here. He wants to move on and gets angry when anything is brought up. My feelings are still raw and at the surface, especially about ow.
While i db my h, i need to address my pain. What i do is...go for a walk alone where no one can see or hear me and i cry and let it all out. Then go back home and resume db.
