i'm breaking my vow of silence here, and i apologize to myself in advance.
going to the police station is an issue which you pretend to not grasp. all that information is readily available on the internet, so you went to make a statement.
but the larger issue here is that you purposefully left the pamphlets where he was sure to see it.
passive aggressive? ABSOLUTELY. it was immature, conniving, spiteful and mean.
from your descriptions you continuously provoke a response and then feign ignorance as to why he responded the way he did. and then blame him for the entire situation.
you are the source of your drama.
all you did here was hurt your daughter.
and made your situation much worse.
unless and until you take full responsibility for your own actions you will continue to make your situation worse.
look around you here. the people who are successful are the ones that put aside their pride, the excuses, the hurtful actions, and take a good hard look at themselves.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Look, I admit the police station was stupid. Why are you guys continuing to use this as an excuse to berate me? And Ken, why do you have a "vow of silence,"
I talked to two friends in an upset state and BOTH URGED me to go to the cops. I said "no no" - and one said "Are you serious? This is your daughter who is in jeaopardy" and I thought about it for a long time. I didn't want to go - knew it would only escalate stuff, calmed myself down, and then thought, wait - this is serious (meaning could turn into stuff about custody etc) and I lost sight of things - which is why I went down there "calmly" -
I did not know what GM just said (that everyone would go down there who has a child taken from their home- and yes, that's what he did - did not call and say "taking her to my place" or whatever, which is why I had dinner read and a doc appt for her that day that he was taking her to) he even admitted last night that he just came and "Grabbed her and maybe he shouldn't have done that" -
I didn't go to the police station thinking "I am taking someone away from people who really need them." That's seriously ridiculous. The officer was leaving his shift and talked to me for 4 mins.
I was vulnerable - talked to two people who said "enough is enough" to me and told me to "do something" b/c they know this whole saga and how he behaves - and this is the first time in three years of ongoing abuse that I did this. Four minutes. Really hardly worth writing nine million posts over to berate me and to come out of silence over in order to berate me some more.
So I put things aside, I apologized profusely. I was honest with him in my response. This is nothing like my behavior. Never has been (he knows that too - but you guys don't seem to oddly -
i have a vow of silence here because in your case, it just causes me frustration.
as you just did again in your response, you make excuses (i was vulnerable), you blame others (your 2 friends), and you dont change. you dont recognize this is exactly your behavior. the crap he pulls is in response to the crap you pull.
we have done nothing but present solutions.
but if they dont fall in exactly how you want them, font colors and all, allowing you to continue on your victim-hood path (three years of ongoing abuse), you simply ignore, or make up some reasoning, and keep failing.
and then you ask us why.
and it goes around again.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Lila, I hesitate to post to you because you have some of the strongest, smartest posters on the board already trying to help you and you still won't stop spinning nor will you truly listen.
I've been following along since the beginning and every time I think you're going to get it, you backslide.
You claim you are making changes but a day later, your posts indicate that you are definitely NOT making the necessary changes to your behaviour consistently enough to make a difference. I'm not sure why you can't see that because you seem very smart and very capable.
Lila, you have to stop making this about your ex-BF and make it about YOU. Because YOU are the only one who can change YOU. And honestly, you have some big changes you need to make or the drama in your life is only going to get worse.
Listen, I understand. You are angry at the way your ex-BF treated you and continues to treat you. I get that but until you start honestly looking at your contributions to your unhealthy dynamic with your ex-BF, and own what YOU did to create it, and actually completely and finally make the changes to your own behaviour once and for all, you will continue to spin in circles.
I understand anger, I understand being hurt. My H had an affair. He lied to me, he deceived me and he treated me with utter disrespect. I have every right to be angry (and I am) and I'm sure I would get a lot of support if I left him. BUT people make mistakes and sometimes they do horrible things when they feel unloved or misunderstood. Relationships are complicated and until you truly OWN what you did to create the unhealthy dynamic that you find yourself in, you will invite more drama into your life. AND even if you get into another R, your stuff will follow you. Not your ex-BF's stuff but YOUR stuff.
Lila, based on your posts, I believe you need to stop trying to control everything and everyone. You tell people how to post to you, how to express themselves and when you don't like what they have to say, you passive aggressively insult them. You talk about wanting people to respect YOUR boundaries but based on what you write, you have very little respect for other people's boundaries.
Lila, people care. They are trying to help you. Honestly, months ago, I thought your R could have been saved if you would have listened to the advice you had been given. If you stopped reacting and just treated your BF with love and respect, even when he didn't deserve it. And yes, I get that he was not treating you that way but who is going to be first to make the first move? Does it make you weak because you put aside your anger and do the right thing? No. It makes you strong. It helps you to grow as a person.
In Passionate Marriage (which I thought you were a fan of...maybe I'm wrong), the author makes it clear that we are at the same level of differentiation as our partners. We may like to believe we are ahead of them. Many of us like to believe we are more mature or more self-aware than our spouses but we are at the same level and often at best, only a half step ahead. Our issues just come out in different ways. My H had an affair because he was feeling unwanted. I rejected him because I was feeling unwanted. We were both insecure. Who is at fault? We both are. Before I joined this board, before I started listening to the wise posters on this forum, before I started reading so many of the excellent books recommended on this board, I would have said hands down, an A is a dealbreaker. But once I owned my stuff, and really listened and really looked it from another person's point of view and tried to understand their PAIN, I saw some hope in my M. I have a very long way to go (and I'm still struggling at times) but I choose to grow from this experience instead of being consumed by anger. But as I said, I am still angry. Despite that, I can still choose to react with love and understanding.
I don't know your BF but I would put a lot of money down on the bet that he is in a lot of pain over all of this drama. He is hurt. He is angry and he feels just as abused by you as you do by him.
When I read your judgments of him, honestly, you could be writing about yourself, Lila. What you write about him is often what the posters here have told you about yourself. Think about it.
A friend of a friend is a divorce lawyer. She often says, "Cinderella rarely marries the Big Bad Wolf and Prince Charming rarely marries The Wicked Witch of the West". It takes two to make a mess of an R or a Marriage.
You are the one that is here. You can stop this dysfunctional dynamic, Lila. Go back and read the advice you have been given by 25, kml, gabbysmom, oldtimer, Ken, etc. There is so much wisdom there. You have been given many gifts. Use them wisely.
one chronic source of friction for me, is that you have still not read the DB book, yet you are dismissive about its' value, & you actively promote other books and approaches here, while saying DBing doesn't work.
About a week ago, you wrote to someone: "So you want me to listen to you over my sister who----... has seen him and I interact,found the GAL list of 30-something things a "no brainer" has read the DB book?...
A few days later, you posted: ... I've been reading DB but I think I need to read the other book - what is it called? The one that talks about WAS behavior, 180s, GALing, and some techniques?
Lila,
The techniques and the rest of what you seek, are IN the DB book, so just read it......(But then, surely your sister could have told you that??).
Do you see ANY reason why it's frustrating for us to see the above comments of yours, and THEN to read your question? Didn't you wonder why no one answered it?
The underlying philosophy behind this unique "short term solution based approach" to therapy, needs to be understood to be applied.
While You may dismiss the 37 Rules as "no brainers", I don't think you did more than 1/5 of them.
And for the record, I implored you to read the book months ago and you said you had "started it."
So yes, your credibility is an issue. See the above comments and really read them again if you don't understand why that is. Same goes for stories that have crucial "details" trickled out, until the reaction is finally more to your liking.
If you don't want to read the book, then don't pretend to apply the principles, or dismiss them as having failed you or condescend to us about them. That's just one small example that irked me. But in your defense, I think you are totally unaware of how you come across.
And the more you are unaware of how you come across, the more often you'll be surprised by others' negative reactions
and the more likely you are to feel that you are being attacked.
Then you tend to put us down b/c you are hurt / angered by reactions you didn't expect.
You've insulted me more than once and never retracted a word of it, though you claimed a month or so ago, that "there's been a shift" and that it was "safe to post now". But it's not safe. You get nasty fast. ANd you don't seem to recall it.
Hence the reluctance I feel posting to you.
I can't speak for others, but my guess is that's part of why so many stop posting here, or get mad at themselves for doing so. Feels frustrating and potentially fruitless. I hope you prove us wrong. I hope you read the dang book (it's not that long) and get something real out of it.
If you had done so back in March when you began posting on this site, (a site which is premised on the views espoused in the books,)
who knows what might have been?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am not even sure why I am posting this but seems like a waste of my time but hey there is nothing on tv....
I would love for 25 to have given me as much advice as you have received from her.... She has actually gotten her marriage back. I don't understand why you continue to ignore her advice.
Sorry, post got cut off... wait, so you understood my sister sees the GAL list as a no brainer TO HER, right?
They weren't no brainers to me. She was coaching me, hence the credibility I was giving her.
25, why after weeks would you ASSUME (again, it's the assumptions that go on here that I guess I get a little reactive to) that I haven't? I think I was a little put off at the end when she says that for people who are long over (I forget how she said it, I just returned it to the library) that there's not much to do... that's why I think I was thinking there was another book? People use the acronym "DB" (for the book) but I've also seen "DR" and was wondering what that was.
ALSO - you are insightful. You pointed out what I think is going on here - how I come across. I've had a woman I used to consult with give me feedback on that. I wonder where I could get more feedback on that (in person) b/c I bid on a project the other day that I was totally qualified for and it went to another editor (a 20k project) and I was bummed, and kept asking myself how I might have come across to this potential client. Cause when she gave feedcback on what the other editor was providing - it was the exact same stuff I offered.
But I think you take that (how I come across) and mix it with writing - often writing in a hurry and taking for granted that people would "know me" (and they don't) or have been there (and they haven't) and a whole lot of projection from others and fueled by like 13 posts before them of people who are all coming down on me, and you gotta turn that ship around somehow/somewhere. Usually I just let time pass and then come back on here and start with where I'm at.
Perhaps I know me 100% and how much of a sweetheart/kind/thoughtful/loving/conscientious person I am, so I just shake my head at some of this stuff - but the delivery? Maybe that's it? It just doesn't jibe (these comments) with my situation or who I am.
But I do get defensive on here b/c so many hand out some really abusive stuff and don't call themselves on it or apologize but lots of fingers get pointed at me.
25 -you've been fair and stuck by me. And I would like to take the opportunity to tell you I'm very grateful for your feedback - not just on my posts, but on the many others I have read. And I also am truly sorry if I bit your head off. I'm not used to walking in - vulnerable - to a world of 2x4s ... it took me a bit of time to get used to.
