Hi guys - haven't been on in a while again. Finding it harder and harder to find the energy to post these days. But thats not a bad thing as it means I am doing more and more to keep my mind off stuff. Its weird, I definitely do NOT spend 24 hours a day thinking about him anymore. The days that go by without us talking - which is usually about 2 to 3 at a time, I am actually fine. Maybe a bit lonely from an emotional perspective (well that not quite the right word, as my friends have been fabulous and a big support, but I meant more from a 'partner in life' perspective). Its almost like its more weird for him to be here then for him to be away now.. Anyways, thanks for the support folks. As always it means a lot. Westcoast - I've been pondering what to do for a long time now in terms of 'dialing back'.. Its weird b/c all the friendliness/intimate stuff was initially a 180, but now I am constantly wondering if I need to 180 it back now - does that make sense? My biggest concern with dialing it back is that H has consistently voiced over the last year that, although things have gotten way better, he's not sure they will last. And i know him well enough to know that if I dialed back any sort of intimacy that his first thought will be 'oh see she doesn't want me again, just like before'. So I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I find myself constantly soul searching these days. I don't even know what I want anymore. I keep thinking I will just instinctively 'know' what the right thing to do is right now - either continue to stick it out, or drop the rope. And in terms of dropping the rope, I struggle with how to do that (other than dropping the intimacy stuff), as we have two young children together and I want to ensure that we maintain a healthy relationship with each other for the rest of our lives b/c quite frankly, our children deserve that. I just don't know anything anymore. And KD - i think you said it dead on - I don't think he wants to be in a R with anyone right now - I think he is still sorting out his own issues including depression, and he can't see past that right now. And I am doing my best to respect that. Honestly my friends and family think I'm nuts half the time at how normal, civil and friendly we are to each other. But he has given me no reason to act otherwise (other than my broken heart, but I know he hasnt done that on purpose or out of malice, if he doesn't love me, he can't force himself to). Oh hmmm in terms of what do i want more of or better - well honestly, I think our R is pretty darn good these days. 2 or 3 years ago, I was too stupid to realize how blessed I was - well i think we were both too stupid - we had some fantasy of how perfect a marriage should be. So what do I want more of - well I want my partner in life back. But right now, I'd settle for him wanting to go to a movie. KWIM? all the small little things I've wanted before I've pretty much got right now. I have to say I am quite content right now - just missing my husband. I know thats hard for people to understand. In terms of making me a better catch, I'm honestly out of ideas at this point. Suggestions? I have been GAL - he's noticed. I'm in great shape again - he's noticed. I 'think' I am fun again - one of his biggest complaints - and I 'think' he's noticed that too. I have a life, I have tons and tons of friends, who he knows love me to death. He knows other men are attracted to me. I always make sure i look and smell nice these days - which he has DEFINITELY noticed. I'm a better mother- doubt he's noticed that, but i wish that he would. Anyways, I admit I really don't know what makes a woman a good catch, and every man is different. My H's currency is just a mystery to me right now. So men, please TELL me - what makes you nuts about a woman (in a good way of course).
On a side note - completely not related to anything - I organize a Run for the Cure team every year for my local Mommy's group. This year I had a group of 35 people on my team, and we raised a lot of money. As captain, its a lot of work to organize, and its kept me insanely busy the last month or so. I also only just picked up running again in mid-july, when our local gym opened (as I used to run early morning or later in the evening when it was cooler - without H here, i couldn't do that any more b/c I had nobody to watch our boys). So when the gym opened I was able to use the treadmill on my lunch break over the summer (WAY too hot for me to run outside at noon).. So anyways, I only really got back to running for the last couple of months, but I ran my personal best 5k on Sunday at 26min so I am ecstatic. I know there are some seasoned runners on this board, so I know its not all that great, but for only training for 2 months, I'm pretty darn pumped. H was really surprised too. Its funny, since I took up running again, he's commented a hundred times about how he needs to start running again. And he's always complaining about how much weight he's gained lately. So maybe i'm inspiring him - who knows. I do know that I inspire my kids, and that helps to heal my heart :)and I know I'm going to be okay.
