Trying not to hope is hard

[silveryposter]

she thinks she has to really let you have it harder so you'll find get the picture. That is why she's getting meaner, and she will continue to show how nasty she can be...if she's pressed.

You're right, she's only said the really mean things when she's pressed. Thankfully I've been calm enough that that's only happened a handful of times since January.

So, if your W has not used these exact words with you, I'll say them. IMO, she has lost respect and sexual attraction.

I honestly don't care at all right now about sexual attraction from her. She does tell me how good I look (lost about 35 lbs and gotten my 6 pack back), but while it's nice it really comes secondary to the rest. For me, loss of respect is the big one and she's danced around it but not used those words. It does go hand in hand with trust, and we've acknowledged the loss of that.

The reason she doesn't "believe in you" is b/c of all the dream puffs you've handed her in the past. With every new job, didn't you try to paint a brighter future?

This is true, even with schooling. To echo my reply to 25 above, I cannot influence if she believes in me or not with anything other than actions, and she's not willing to wait any longer.

Thus far you have been greatly helpful in helping me to understand my W's POV, thank you. However, I'm still at a loss for potential ways to earn respect and trust, if possible. I've done what I said I would do in January, turned my life completely around, and while she says it's appreciated, it apparently has no impact on her respect level for me.

Any ideas for earning that respect and trust?

[silveryposter]

So really, it's not because I was a SAHD and was not good at that role... it's the pressures of reality that women DO like a manly man... they DO have expectations that a real man provides (financially) for the household... the DO want their man to be protector...

And if we can successfully be manly men AND still be SAHDs... great... but if we cannot... the sooner we have an exit strategy for staying at home and being those men, the better...

I waited too long... My exit strategies were many, but I couldn't bring any of them to fruition, for whatever reason... I stopped being a manly man, a Husband, for my W...

This resonates with my situation. I will always regret my complacency, and have turned things around for myself and my family, but it very well may be too late for my M. Thanks for your insight.

[25yearsmlc]

silver

ask HER if you working full time now and only taking a class at night towards a degree (you can get the certification later but GET a degree-so she can't say you're not completing a project)

would make her feel better

OR
If you going to school full time and finishing A LOT sooner, would be preferable?

Give her the chance for input. Could it hurt?

[silveryposter]

Give her the chance for input. Could it hurt?

If she says she's completely done and moving toward a divorce, I guess not. Would it seem like pursuing if I asked? If so does the extremely unlikely response of "yes get a full time job and I'll consider not getting a divorce" outweigh the much more likely response of "I don't care what you do anymore"?

I suppose if I ask in the way you've suggested, it wouldn't be validating that I give up on schooling. It would instead be asking if I took a different track if it would make a difference to her.

[25yearsmlc]

or maybe you can say, "W, just so I know and b/c I value your opinion

and b/c It has been a long road that I'm on, what do you think I should change?

If I stop school all together to earn more now, won't that seem like I'm not finishing what I began

but if I go full time to get it over with, that's a financial hardship on all of us now...so...what do YOU think I should do???

(This shows you "get it" and are willing to hear HER thoughts on it...w/no pursuit, just seeking an opinion)

[silveryposter]

That could be good as well, but I foresee her replying to that with "it doesn't matter to me what you do, since we are getting divorced". The first way you suggested, asking "if it would help" might be ambiguous enough to get an honest reply.

[silveryposter]

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

I was rereading the list and these jumped out at me as things I still need to get better at. I'm relatively solid on the rest of it, but one (or 3 in this case) chink in the armor is enough to finish it. It is not easy, but I continue to find that it is for the best.

[~ kd ~]

SP, just because you expect what your W's response would be and you are probably right... does that mean you don't ask it...?

Perhaps... avoiding the tough questions and the so called "elephant in the room" is more of the same behaviour for you...

so perhaps, asking her would be a nice 180...

[silveryposter]

That could be true also. That's been one of the most difficult things in this process. No two people are alike, and while the 180 words as is for many situations, there are also times when it doesn't or shouldn't be applied. I understand that it's an attitude shift more than anything, but the devil's in the details...

Thanks, I'll let you all know if/when I ask this question.

[25yearsmlc]

even better than asking her, or along with it,

would be making a change in some direction that speeds things up or changes your situation.

Can you see that?