Back home - but for how long?

[NYCPeter]

The "delay" can help some, but I think you have to go into it with the right idea and I hope you are.

I'm hoping the delay will allow her to see the changes that have taken place, she may be changing her mind but not by me forcing her to but by my actions.

My advice regarding the late nights is to give her all the freedom in the world to do it without commenting on it, even though I think you're right that it's hugely disrespectful.

It's something I need to let go of - I think that I find most upsetting is that she knows I find it disrespectful.

I also don't think she's having an affair...

I so hope you are right - I have to trust her until proven different.

[NYCPeter]

Quick journal.

Rollercoaster is inching higher - another night just cuddling and hugging in bed.

We were scheduled to go to MC on Thurs - I asked my W to confirm whether we had made arrangements for the girls, she said she would rather not go. I asked why - she said "I think we've got enough out of it to work on for now". Not reading too much into it, but I'm reading these as positives.

Short-term goals.
- No R talks
- Keep GAL and doing 180's
- ML to W (well that's not a goal - just something I'd love to do)

[NYCPeter]

Ugh - wish I followed my own advice, I don't know why I keep backsliding.

I logged into MY FB account and there was an update on my W's wall that she was friends with a guy - posted at 12:00 on Sunday night.

I told her I really did not think that it was appropriate for her to go to bars and FB guys, again another sign of disrespect. She got upset with me for daring to suggest I tell her what she can or can't do.

We definitely slept on different sides of the bed last night - I left for W this morning with no comment from either of us.

I know I can't control her - doesn't stop me from being upset. I've just got to not show I am upset.

Playing soccer tonight and staying at a friend's afterwards - so unlikely to have contact until tomorrow night.

[Accuray]

That was bad but don't be too hard on yourself, mistakes are expected and normal. Learn from it and get back on track, that's all you can do.

[NYCPeter]

I know - but I am an idiot.
We're making progress - although my W's behavior upsets me at times I need to let her lead her life, instead I keep bringing things up that upset me - this then upsets her and makes her feel the R will never work (she actually said that last night - I am controlling).

I must stop this while there is still a spark of hope and just focus on me, I only hope it's not too late. This after our blowout last week - I feel she thinks "what's the point if we're going to keep on upsetting each other".

Very remorseful and down today - need to get out of the funk.

[Harrier]

Newsflash! - you are controlling. At least about this.

I know you think you have a very good reason for this. But you realize the harder you push, the more she will push back and it could lead you down the path you do not want to go. You need to see things from her POV. You are seeing actions with your eyes.

Personally, I think it fits in with what your IC said.

for you can't simply say "I'm not going to do it." That isn't working for you. You need to figure out why it bothers you and how you can deal with the feelings her going out brings.

Believe me. if you think your marriage is worth saving...you will get past this. Once you do, things can really start to open up.

[workinghardguy]

I know Peter that it's really hard to not bring things up that bother you, but you have to fight the urge. Go for a walk, journal, post here, call a friend but do what you have to in order to keep it out of the discussion.

I used to work with at-risk youth. One of the things we worked hard on with them was what we called "the one second". They all had high-running emotions and would react to everything all the time. They couldn't control their lives because they were constantly reacting, reacting, reacting. Someone would say something and immediately they'd respond. Which would garner a response to which they'd respond, and before you know it a fistfight breaks out. Sound familiar (except for the fistfight)?

We worked hard to have them give us just one second. One second before they opened their mouths, one second to process what had just been said. Just try it... say "one one thousand" out loud and see how long that really is. It certainly gives your logical brain time to catch up with your emotional one.

I've had to work on that myself. For me right now it's that my wife doesn't wear her wedding rings (especially when she complaints that an icky, 65 year old doctor at work is hitting on her... gee... I wonder if there might be a solution to that?). At least four times a day I feel this incredible urge to ask her about them. And each time in my head (and even out loud once in a while) I say "one one thousand". And then my logic brain catches up and reminds me all the not good things that question could generate, versus only looking at the temperature taking that my emotion brain so desperately wants to make happen.

[NYCPeter]

I know you are both right - difficult to change after all these years.

I need to put the picture in my head, that every time I react in a negetive way it's impacting my R and possibility of reconciliation. I always seem to be moving backwards and it's my fault - I don't need to react. I need someone to slap me around the head before I open my mouth.

[Harrier]

Peter..it's not enough to just know that. You've known it's a setback each time you did it before. Your marriage is hanging by a thread, but that is not enough to stop you.

I don't believe that sheer willpower will prevent you from doing this time and time again unless you get to the underlying cause of why you need to control where she is and who she friends on FB.

Where you always like this? Are you like this with other people in other areas of your life?

next time this comes up, I'm going to suggest you do the following. If she does something that gets you angry. Do the following: get a piece of paper and draw a line down the center of it.
On the left hand side write statements about what she is doing (don't write vague emotions either)
On the right for each statement write a logical rational response to you're statement

For example
Event: W said she'd be home in 90 min, but was home after 3 hrs.

Statement
She doesn't respect me
Rationale response - she felt bad for being later than she thought, if she didn't respect you she wouldn't care what I thought. She respects me in other areas.
No person is 100% one way or the other.

Statement:
I'm worried when she is late
Rationale response - She is a grown woman. She can take care of herself and doesn't need me to hold her hand in the world.

etc.

Now you have to write it down, you cannot do it in your head. There is something about writing it down. Think of every negative thought you have a bout an event. You are trying to train your brain really. It takes practice, but after a while you don't need to write it down and you automatically go to a more rational space.

If you are in a more rationale space, then you can bring up issue in a rational manner. I hope this helps.

[Grocerykartman]

NYC,

My take on your backsliding is that you still don't actually believe that you need to stop acting angry about this. I think that deep down you still think somewhere that if you show her enough emotion, anger, disgust, etc., then one of these times she is going to snap out of this and shape up. You say you know you must stop this, but I don't think you're in the right frame of mind yet to follow through with it.

I understand. What was hardest for me was that my WAW was doing so much cake eating that I kept suspecting that she didn't really want to go through with ending our marriage. I'd get good signals and positive vibes and then it would be back to her doing disrespectful things as soon as I thought we could possibly be getting somewhere. One step forward, two steps back. I'd go berserk when she regressed, because of that. This kept on and on for quite a while, then finally, I just reached the end of my rope with the disrespectful stuff.

But not in an explosive way. Finally got to the point where instead of getting angrier, I got calmer. Instead of panicking and worrying, I accepted the new reality of my life. Doesn't mean I liked it, but I had to accept it. My wife's walking away was now a part of her past, and also a part of who she now was. Was a decision she made that shaped the woman I was now interacting with. I had a choice: I could interact with her in the same old fashion, which was getting upset because I was still in disbelief that this was all occurring, or I could stop getting upset and realize that it really happened, and take up a new attitude of "how do i deal with this from here?"

I think you are still in major disbelief that this is actually occurring. It's like you're still trapped in the bad dream segment of the whole ordeal.

So, I think what you are still doing is trying to deal with your sadness and anger by responding in a way that is no longer applicable to the reality of your situation. When I say that, I mean, you have to accept that your wife is now a different, troubled person who is also dealing with a troubled marriage. She is addicted to SOMETHING here...hopefully it's just being addicted to staying out all night and being away from you and not anything worse.

Regardless, I think you have to handle the situation with more thought and consideration than just getting mad about it. Would be like if your child or a friend or other family member makes a really poor decision that had severe consequences. You can get upset at them all day long, but getting upset doesn't change the fact that they are now in a heap of trouble and their life cannot possibly go back to how it was.

Your old marriage before all this baloney started is over. No amount of getting angry is going to erase all this, or stop it. Just like I said in the beginning of your posts, where apologizing won't work or it already would have....well, same here...getting angry won't work or it already would have.

I wish you well.