Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

25
thanks for the support. your advice is always so wise and right on the money! I agree with you that getting rid of the anger is PARAMOUNT. Regardless of what happens in my R with H, I have to do it for ME. The way I see it, there are two challenges i have to overcome right now:

a) the anger related to the current situation and OW. The way I see it, no matter what, I have to make those triggers not affect me. I have been unsuccessful so far, and I hope that detachment will help. I also believe that physical distance and clear boundaries with H will also help me get stronger. BUT H refuses to work on a schedule with me since the current arrangement of coming and going suits him just fine.

After much soul-searching I realize that this open house policy is NOT working for me
- it's not improving our R as I wished for,
- I have no free time for myself (key to GAL),
- it makes me angry to see how he takes advantage of the sit, - and most importantly, is NOT good for the kids.

I talked to a priest today to get a diff. POV regarding this issue and to try to find some internal peace. He said that by having H come and go as he pleases, and me treating him as my husband when he is in the house, not only he gets the best of both worlds, but we are giving the kids the wrong message. They see us together and they process this as what their reality is and it gives them hope that we will be a unified family. BUT, that is not our reality, since H is determined to divorce, and we should not be giving false hope to the children. In addition, there is no stability for them when there is no set routine for when they get to see their dad.

Ultimately, he said that at this point, I need to do everything in my power to give my children stability. They come first now. So defining a set visitation schedule is key.

How do I accomplish this? At this point and after trying everything, the only way I see to force him would be to file for legal separation or D. Any other suggestions are very much welcome and will be greatly appreciated...

The other aspect of bringing a stable home to my kids is exactly what you mention - finances...I have decided not to go back to work immediately
a) for the kids - they need at least one parent present
b) also in case he wants to use that against me in a D settlement...

I also agree with you that I will eventually need to go back to work and it will have to be in a diff. industry (In the entertainment industry, 10 to 12-hour days are the norm and I simply cannot do that with 3 kids under the age of 4.) Ideally I'd like a job where I can work from 9 - 3, so I have to start looking for anything that will give me those hours.

I will also need to let our nanny go very soon (like this week or the next) now that I have made the determination of not going back to work until at least January. We obviously cannot afford her if I am not presently working.

Finally, we need to get our spending and expenses under control. H also refuses to work with me on this, (for obvious reasons), so the way it looks right now, filing for legal separation is the only way to protect my kids. Like you said, he might gets crazy with the credit cards...

I don't know much about legal separation in California. (When I saw the lawyer we talked about collaborative divorce, but I am not sure if H will be that cooperative at this point.)
So I will now try to learn more about legal separation to see if that will protect me financially, without having to file for D myself.


b) The second aspect of dealing and losing my anger relates to my current situation.

I totally get what you say of my anger validating H's reasons for leaving. He can push my buttons, I fall for it and he gets a free pass to blame everything on me. I see that clearly and I understand that needs to stop NOW.

I know in my heart I now need to look beyond my hopes for reconciliation, knowing that H does not want ANY part of it right now.

As you said, it will take A LONG time before his other R collapses (if it ever does) and I have to detach and become a better person for me and my kids. I think I have finally accepted that.

I know I am currently dealing with a lot, but not only for my M, but for me and my kids, I need to get rid of the anger to be happy and healthy - that is the only way to grow as a person and be a good mother.

Up to now, I have been reading a lot and doing work on my own and I believe I have improved a lot and found forgiveness for a lot of things that hurt me during my marriage, but I am also humble enough to accept when something is bigger than me, and given my situation, it is probably wiser to seek outside help now. So I will be going to a counselor (and giving up my DB coach, since I cannot afford both).

Regarding H and R problems pre-separation, I will do a diff. posting re. that and answering your specific questions...

more to come and thanks again!

((( )))