just b/c the LBSer is here, does not make us the "right" one. And that is DAMN tough to admit.
Yes, it is hard to admit, 25. I am still struggling with this because it would be so EASY to put all the blame him for the A, but I know without a doubt that I have to own MY contributions to our dysfunctional M.
Is this hard to admit when you're angry, and jealous and in the worst emotional pain of your life? Yes, BUT I believe my H when he says that if he was getting sex and attention, and if he was feeling loved and wanted that he would not have had the A. That said, he still owns his choices and mistakes and I have to own mine if we have any hope of saving our M.
I have known this man for 20 years and if I am honest with myself about who he truly is, I know he would not have done it for excitement or because he was bored. And despite the crazy, angry person he became for over a year, I know that deep down he is not a horrible man. He was very dedicated to me and very in love with me for most of our M. He was not perfect but he wanted me more than I wanted him for a very long time.
And I know it might sound conceited , but I get hit on a lot and who knows maybe if it wasn't always 26 year olds hitting on me (what is with these young men and their cougar fantasies?), maybe I would have been sucked into an A too. I can't say I didn't fantasize about finding some perfect man to meet my needs. So while I may have not done it and most likely would have stopped it sooner (if it even began), I was also not communicating with my H, nor being completely honest with him either.
But what is the point in keeping that scorecard? Do I want to be right OR do I want to be happy and married?
Wanting to be right and playing the victim got me in this mess so I'm going with happy and married from now on...
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
great and balanced insights...healthy...good solid hard WORK.. BRAVELY DONE!!
Yes, I think he actually gets it. He was one crazy vacillating see-sawing WAS but when it clicked, it really clicked. His words and actions seem to suggest that he really does feel true remorse.
I think in some ways he is DB'ing me now. He validates my anger if I snap and say something about the A (I'm not always a perfect DB'er). He constantly reminds me that he loves me and that he understands and has said many times that he will be patient with me as I cycle through the pain and anger.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
"During the months since the bomb, he said he also wishes he would have just said that the real issue was that he felt unattractive and unloved but that he felt silly and petty for having an A over wanting some attention so he made it about all these other exaggerated reasons which explains why most of the time I thought he was crazy." INTERESTING^^^...& believable. I wonder how common this is...a lot I bet.
I agree this probably happens a lot and I see it seems to occur it most sitches, which is why I'm glad that I validated the stuff that I knew was true. And as for the stuff that I knew was crazy WAS spewing nonsense, well I used your phrase about not actually remembering it that way, but added that I was sorry he was hurt/angry/misunderstood anyway...
(Anyone reading this, please listen to 25 when she posts to you, even if you don't want to, and even if it stings. Trust me.)
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Hate to say this but I pity her.
Maybe the chemo and radiation made her nuttier. Honestly, my mil was definitely damaged mentally by hers.
Well, I hate to say it, but I don't. I detest her and I know I have to let that go in time, and I will. I promise! BUT she started the A before she got cancer so she was manipulative and needy prior to treatment. (Anyone who involves themselves in an A has issues with boundaries.) So right now, I don't feel the least bit sorry for her. Okay, said it. Moving on...
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
rd "Retrovaille is in 10 days...The follow-up sessions are at a church 10 minutes from our home". What? 10 minutes? Dang...the convenience of yours makes me jealous. I hope you get as much out of it as we did. Give it the whole time and beyond
b/c it IS a process that generates growth in spurts. At least it did for us.
I know, it's so ironic considering, the local chapter is in the nearest major city, yet the hotel and the church are so close to us. Hello, Universe!
But yes, it will be a long road and we are both prepared for what lies ahead. H said last night that he realizes that I am going to take a long time to heal (perhaps years), and that he thinks I am very brave and very strong for even considering forgiving him.
Then he started to cry and said he is hurting so much because of all the pain he has caused, but that he knows that his shame and his pain is nothing compared to mine. He said he is very scared that some day this will destroy my feelings for him and that resentment will build up and we will lose our M. He admits from what he's read that he knows I am vulnerable to having my own A right now, and that if I did, he would forgive me but he would really rather me not because he would be very hurt but he wanted me to know that he would forgive me. I assured him that one crazy OP in our lives is enough thank-you very much, but that I appreciate him letting me know that he would forgive me for an A. Oh, the conversations we have these days.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
beautiful...thank you.
Keep us posted...[/color]
Thank-you too, 25. If it wasn't for this board and all the wonderful advice and support I was given, I'm not sure I would be on the path to saving my M right now. I might even be separated and dealing with two even more devastated children because my H was correct in fearing that I would have thrown him out before I knew what I know now. If that had happened, he said he would have ended up alone, drinking and crying about how he destroyed his entire life over nothing. He said none of it was worth it. Not a single second. I believe it's going to take a long time for him to forgive himself as well.
(Speaking of the drinking, that has stopped thankfully. He says he was doing it to drown his guilt and pain. It's all pretty obvious now.)
, but I get hit on a lot and who knows maybe if it wasn't always 26 year olds hitting on me (what is with these young men and their cougar fantasies?), maybe I would have been sucked into an A too. I can't say I didn't fantasize about finding some perfect man to meet my needs. So while I may have not done it and most likely would have stopped it sooner (if it even began), I was also not communicating with my H, nor being completely honest with him either. 
