Volume II

[Telemark]

Hello paige, thanks for checking in..I always look forward to hearing from you.

How am I...it's been a real roller-coaster week. Have had NC with W since last week's e-mail exchange, which is good; it gave me time to work through some more baggage. I went from feeling supremely confident to a whimpering mess and back again most of the weekend. Most of that was due to me coming to grips with a lot of crap within myself.

So let me vent & unload a little here...

I realized that I had become very co-dependent on my W for my happiness. I had also become complacent in our marriage, and took her for granted. I stopped working on our house projects because they were overwhelming. I had minimal interaction with SS22 because it was draining. I focused on my needs and wants and failed to pay attention to anyone else's.

I became a pretty unlikable person.

When W dropped the bomb, I went into 100% panic mode; did everything wrong; pleaded, cried, snooped, displayed classic passive-agressive behavior...gave W no reason to think staying married to me would ever improve or change. But I also did not stand up for myself and draw the line at my W's continued EA while under our roof. I can't say for certain, but I believe that cost my respect in her eyes.

I then went down a very bad road; compared what I knew about OM to myself. Ex-military, supposedly was a bounty hunter at one time, big Yankees fan - my W is the most rabid Yankees fan I have ever known - and general sports fan, rides the Harley and is New York Italian. All of these are very appealing to my W. And they had a brief high school fling. I looked at my own mundane life and realized I had become pretty boring. She's looking at 50 in a little over a year; OM probably represents everything she thinks is disappearing from her life. And yet she has been on my mind constantly. I have been missing her terribly and thinking of a dismal life without her.

So that was the downhill slide.

Looking at myself from that angle was not in my best interest, but it did flip a light on. Regardless of who my W and I may have become, it was no reason for her to walk, and do it with the OM. Her actions and interactions with me, my kids and her own sons made me realize she has so much work to do on herself. This is the 2nd marriage she has walked out on. She had 2 other EA's in her previous marriage. She has had the whole separation/OM move-in situation worked out for months, but continued to hide it and lie to everyone about her situation and true intentions. She does not accept her part in the failure of our marriage or the collateral damage her actions have caused.

My W has become a person who would bring out the worst in me, I think. While I still love her, I do not want to be married to her and I do not want to hold onto any hope of reconciling. As I stated above, the D is on hold, but if/when she decides to move forward I will be able to accept that without so much pain.

[Finah]

Don't beat yourself up too much.

Not saying you can't look at yourself....but keep perspective.

Your WW.........I'd hate to say it.........but she doesn't get it.......and honestly probably never will.

Maybe one day she will wake up, but if she hasn't learned her lesson in the 2nd marriage.....man I don't know.
I am sorry this is a terrible thing to go through.

Just understand. A lot of this. Has nothing to do with you. It's your WW. And very little to do w/ POSOM. Whom I will bet she will eventually leave.........you can almost guarantee that.

You could of been the perfect H.......and she probably would of found a reason to see another man regardless.

People like your WW, like my WW, something is missing in them. So they search for it. And when they think they find it they hold on to it.........so tight....... they end up destroying it b/c they are fused with it.

So then they find something else. Then something else. It's a pattern they repeat with everything in their life.

I bet some of your co-dependency was due to your W honestly. Partners eventually rub off on each other, they pick up things, not saying it's bad or good, but it's inevitable when you spend any significant amount of time with one person.

Co-dependency is just another way of saying emotional fusion.
And ur WW was and is probably out of balance in that regard. Anytime where she hits a rough patch.....instead of putting in work......she escapes to fill the void.

I don't know if you have read Passionate Marriage........but check it out if haven't.

Stay strong

[Telemark]

Awesome...you nailed it. W had a miserable, abandonment-filled childhood and has never recovered from it. She is the true "Injustice Collector" and perpetual victim. Add my baggage into the mix and it's a wonder we lasted this long.

Thanks. Sometimes when you think you're the only person who feels this way it's comforting to know there are others on the same path.

[Telemark]

BTW, Finah...your "WW are fun" in your sig line cracks me up.

[Finah]

Awesome...you nailed it. W had a miserable, abandonment-filled childhood and has never recovered from it. She is the true "Injustice Collector" and perpetual victim. Add my baggage into the mix and it's a wonder we lasted this long.

That doesn't surprise me about your W's past. Honestly I feel bad for them. I do.

Thanks. Sometimes when you think you're the only person who feels this way it's comforting to know there are others on the same path.

Hey I'm right there w/ you, every day won't be a holiday, it's okay to be down, there are still times when I cry, it's no fun, but I truly try to see the positive in everything. We will both be fine and better men b/c of all this.

And WW are fun.

I don't want to sound cruel........but some of the stuff that comes out of my WW's mouth.

I literally will laugh in her face.

And she will be all shocked and look at me and say "Why are you laughing at me"


The best is reverse fog babble

For instance if your wife hits with you " I never loved you "

Reply with " You know now that I think about it I never loved you either "

The look on their face......priceless

[Telemark]

It is mind-boggling what they can come up with...my W was upset because nobody really cares about her feelings and pain as she walks away from a good marriage and kids who love(d) her.

But that's OK because she now refers to the OM and his mother-who both moved 1700 miles to live with her-as her"family". That tore a gaping hole in her son's heart.

[jbnati]

Telemark,
It's good that you've been able to take a good, hard, look at yourself, see how you've contributed to the downslide of the M, and own your part of it. However, all you own is part of it. Your W has seen a problem and applied a very inappropriate solution. She has chosen the path of destruction. You have done otherwise. You are clearly NOT that man anymore.

I realized that I had become very co-dependent on my W for my happiness.

I think many of us are guilty of that to some extent. However, if I haven't learned anything else, I've learned our happiness is not our spouse's responsibility. It's our own responsibility. It's a choice we have to make every day, IMO.

I think you're in the same position as many of us here. We don't want our spouses back until they've at least shown some progress in working through their own issues. In some cases, I think some of us would really like some more time to work on ourselves.

[paige40]

Don't beat yourself up too much, there are two people in every marriage and not just 1 person is all at fault. You can't just take all the blame on yourself.

I think the thing I find most crazy about this and all of our sitch is that you can go from feeling so great and thinking you are doing so well to just so down. I know for me I had a rough rough weekend, but today I am feeling ok. I know you will get back to your new confident wonderful self.

Lots of prayers coming your way.

[~¤DG¤~]

Hiya Telemark-

Something you posted sparked me to ask you this question.
Did you worry about your wife having an EA knowing she has had them in her previous marriage? Just curious...

[Telemark]

Good morning, DG,

I did not find out about her previous EA's until after all of this happened; it was revealed to me by her XH.

Would I have reconsidered our relationship from the very beginning had I known about her previous EA's? Probably not...I was head over heels in love with her and even with that knowledge I would have forged on, thinking I could overcome anything.