Volume II

[Telemark]

Hello paige, thanks for checking in..I always look forward to hearing from you.

How am I...it's been a real roller-coaster week. Have had NC with W since last week's e-mail exchange, which is good; it gave me time to work through some more baggage. I went from feeling supremely confident to a whimpering mess and back again most of the weekend. Most of that was due to me coming to grips with a lot of crap within myself.

So let me vent & unload a little here...

I realized that I had become very co-dependent on my W for my happiness. I had also become complacent in our marriage, and took her for granted. I stopped working on our house projects because they were overwhelming. I had minimal interaction with SS22 because it was draining. I focused on my needs and wants and failed to pay attention to anyone else's.

I became a pretty unlikable person.

When W dropped the bomb, I went into 100% panic mode; did everything wrong; pleaded, cried, snooped, displayed classic passive-agressive behavior...gave W no reason to think staying married to me would ever improve or change. But I also did not stand up for myself and draw the line at my W's continued EA while under our roof. I can't say for certain, but I believe that cost my respect in her eyes.

I then went down a very bad road; compared what I knew about OM to myself. Ex-military, supposedly was a bounty hunter at one time, big Yankees fan - my W is the most rabid Yankees fan I have ever known - and general sports fan, rides the Harley and is New York Italian. All of these are very appealing to my W. And they had a brief high school fling. I looked at my own mundane life and realized I had become pretty boring. She's looking at 50 in a little over a year; OM probably represents everything she thinks is disappearing from her life. And yet she has been on my mind constantly. I have been missing her terribly and thinking of a dismal life without her.

So that was the downhill slide.

Looking at myself from that angle was not in my best interest, but it did flip a light on. Regardless of who my W and I may have become, it was no reason for her to walk, and do it with the OM. Her actions and interactions with me, my kids and her own sons made me realize she has so much work to do on herself. This is the 2nd marriage she has walked out on. She had 2 other EA's in her previous marriage. She has had the whole separation/OM move-in situation worked out for months, but continued to hide it and lie to everyone about her situation and true intentions. She does not accept her part in the failure of our marriage or the collateral damage her actions have caused.

My W has become a person who would bring out the worst in me, I think. While I still love her, I do not want to be married to her and I do not want to hold onto any hope of reconciling. As I stated above, the D is on hold, but if/when she decides to move forward I will be able to accept that without so much pain.