OW called our house

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks, DG. I just want you to be happy too. ((()))

OmegaZed, I appreciate the support. I'll have to read your sitch soon.

Anyway, I thought I'd check in. H and I have been spending a lot of time together, just talking, connecting and surprisingly...um...doing a lot of ML. I never thought that would happen so soon considering that for weeks, I couldn't even hug him.

But we have had many very open, honest and sometimes painful discussions about where things went wrong and I can honestly say I understand why he had the A. And that as hard as it is to admit, that I bear a lot of responsibility myself. Not that I am to blame but that I now understand how much I hurt him.


I LOVE YOU FOR SAYING THIS....

just b/c the LBSer is here, does not make us the "right" one. And that is DAMN tough to admit.

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However, H has said he in no way blames me and doesn't want me to take it on any of the blame because he was not meeting my needs either and that he should have had to courage to speak to me about what he was feeling before doing something so selfish and disgusting.

But sadly, I do get it.
[/b]

great and balanced insights...healthy...good solid hard WORK.. BRAVELY DONE!!



---Looking back, his feelings were and are legitimate because I was contemplating divorce for a long time before I started educating myself about D. I believe my disconnect was because I didn't feel like I could be myself with him, nor did I feel truly respected as a person. H has always been very focused on my physical appearance. While it's nice to have your H think you're beautiful and incredibly sexy, I began to feel that all he valued me for was my looks.---


MORE GOOD HARD TO DO-WORK....

--- roommates who rarely had sex (months and months would go by) and when we did, I really wasn't present and H felt unwanted. He said eventually his resentment built up until he wanted to punish me for years of rejection.

He has cried many tears over the last couple weeks because he said if he just would have put his ego aside and talked to me openly and honestly, then our M wouldn't be in such turmoil. He said the A was always just about being wanted but that he truly wanted the "wanting" to come from me.

During the months since the bomb, he said he also wishes he would have just said that the real issue was that he felt unattractive and unloved but that he felt silly and petty for having an A over wanting some attention so he made it about all these other exaggerated reasons which explains why most of the time I thought he was crazy.

INTERESTING^^^...& believable. I wonder how common this is...a lot I bet.


---- In the end, it was my DB'ing that softened his heart and that's when his feelings of anger and resentment towards me started to fade.

wow...

However, sadly in an effort not to pursue, I never told H I loved him or wanted him in the months following the bomb, nor had I said it a year or more prior to the bomb. He said he knew I wanted the M after the first bomb which surprised him, but he felt that I only wanted it for the kids and because I felt D was wrong, and not because I was truly in love with him.

We have spent many a night reading Passionate Marriage together and discussing our needs and how rejected we have both felt. That we allowed anger, resentment and fear to prevent us from being truly present with each other.

As for crazy ow, we received a couple hang-ups and a strange text to land-line message so we think she's still messing with me.

Hate to say this but I pity her.

Maybe the chemo and radiation made her nuttier. Honestly, my mil was definitely damaged mentally by hers.

He also plans to write ow a letter this week and tell her their A was the biggest mistake of his life, and that she was simply a poor replacement for me. He's also going to tell her he will never have anything to do with her ever again, even if I D him so don't hold out any hope for his return. He is going to make it clear that his feelings for her were a facade based on lies and deceit and anger towards me. That none of it was real and that if she ever contacts any of us again, that he will get a restraining order against her.

if that's what it takes, then so be it. Your family has to come first. God help hers...


He also told me that he is madly and passionately in love with me and realizes he always has been. YAY...

He just pushed down all those feelings because of his anger.

Retrovaille is in 10 days...The follow-up sessions are at a church 10 minutes from our home.

What? 10 minutes? Dang...the convenience of yours makes me jealous. I hope you get as much out of it as we did. Give it the whole time and beyond

b/c it IS a process that generates growth in spurts. At least it did for us.


And we are both committed to MC. H has also said he's going to seek IC for his anger issues because he will never let his anger hurt me again.

I never thought I could forgive an A and I know we have a very long way to go...

But we have both have hope for our M.

And that's all I can ask for at this moment.

beautiful...thank you.

Keep us posted...