when you have moved on

[AJM]

Hi Forward. I read through your post. Interesting and I very much appreciate it. You have captured so much in those posts over time.

A quick thought. I have had a few GF's since ex. One thing that has been an issue has been that when I feel happiness or anger or sadness, I sometimes think of ex. Shows me I have a lot to work on still. More to clean out.

I was very very cautious to not re-remember my past with ex. We had a loving marriage for a lot of years. Towards the end..not so much. I liken it to a vacation...the vacation was good, but on the trip home we got stuck in the airport and horribly inconvienced. The vacation was still good though.

I try very hard to see things objectively. I loved her. I still do in some ways although I want nothing to do with her. I don't want to be "friends" in an uneven relationship. I am not interested in the abuse or controlling or anger or... I am not interested in going back to that.

I just sometimes miss what we had.

When I look at it realistically though, I am soooooo much better off without her even with the other issues and the dynamic with the kids. I miss my kids and my family but not her and not the dynamic she worked to create. That I let her create. I was dying in that relationship at the end. Painfully.

In some ways I lost me during that time. I am not willing to go back to that. I am not willing to have a relationship with her. She wanted out, and I want her to stay gone. It's healthier for me even though I hate it for the kids sometimes.

Like you, I hope my ex finds the happiness and contentment she left for. With the reduced contact (we have kids, so I have to deal with her for their sake), I can leave her to that. I can assume she is finding it and I'm ok with that.

I know I'll never get an explanation, nor would I trust it if I heard it from her. It's not possible to get an explanation or an apology. I don't want one nor need one any longer.

I want to live my life and I want to see reality. The highs. The lows. The great people. The bad people. I want it unfiltered and real.

I get that chance now and I like it Truth is I had that chance before but allowed myself to not live it. If I had a regret in my life, that would be it. I don't, but if I did... I won't let that opportunity go by again....

Hang in there. Your D will work out a relationship with her dad at some point whether you are there or not. Let it happen on their time. Meanwhile, show your daughter how to live as a woman in this world. How to live as a free woman who loves her life and her daughter.

Peace to you and yours.

AJ