Val, the very last thing I wanted to do was cause you more pain. I sincerely apologize.
I repeat that to myself when I begin to accept all of the responsibility for the demise of the relationship STBX and I had. It reminds me I am worth more love than she is able to give now. It reminds me she has problems she needs to grow from also. That she has responsibilities for this sitch too.
Yes, I wept and still do. I will not allow myself to become paralyzed. I very nearly did. It will not happen.
Post when you’re ready, we will be here. ((()))
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Val, the very last thing I wanted to do was cause you more pain. I sincerely apologize.
I repeat that to myself when I begin to accept all of the responsibility for the demise of the relationship STBX and I had. It reminds me I am worth more love than she is able to give now. It reminds me she has problems she needs to grow from also. That she has responsibilities for this sitch too.
Yes, I wept and still do. I will not allow myself to become paralyzed. I very nearly did. It will not happen.
Post when you’re ready, we will be here. ((()))
Aww JS. I'm sorry. I wasn't implying you caused me pain.. just that it opened the flood gates. I'm a cryer by nature. Sometimes not all cries are good, but last night was a good one.
So thank you so much for posting it and everything you post to me. You have been such an important part of my personal growth. I'm glad we are on this journey together.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
First off.. thank you all sooo sooo much for all the support and love. I know we have never met and in most cases never will, but I felt your presence today. Through your prayers, good vibes, thoughts. I was not alone.
Know that God heard them all and he answered.
Woke-up feeling ok. I slept well considering. Spent a good amount of time posting on other threads. I needed for my mindset to change from being consumed with hurt/anger to a more loving place. I find it easier to do that when I encourage other people to love.
Dolled myself up in an awesome purple dress and went to a g/f's house to talk about my gameplan. I cried a bit but we worked through both a financial one and an emotional one. I knew I wasn't prepared to talk about everything today.
Met w outside house. My pastor is our mediator as we don't possess alot of assets so are trying to do this outside of court. I knew that because he truly believes in God's love, he would show her love. That was important to me.
She complemented my dress. I said thank you.
We sat down and it was hard for us to get started. We both admitted we were scared and didn't know what to expect. We couldn't really get started.. so I took the lead.
Back in August when my w freaked about freezing the account, I did an asset list with numbers. That's how I knew my w was going to lose alot in the D.
Showing the numbers and how much w would lose was a surprise to her. She did her best to try and have the conversations, but she started to cry and excused herself to the bathroom.
My heart broke for her.
She mentioned that although the numbers make sense, she would be losing alot in this. It was definitely an "Oh Sh!t moment" for her. I really don't think she thought this through.
She said she expected this from me. I'm a numbers/details person. I said I wasn't hiding this from her, I just didn't know if we would need it. I didn't know what to expect.
She had mentioned that she was getting screwed over a couple of times. She admitted this was a feeling.. not necessarily what I was doing. I listened and validated.
My w looked very scared. And instead of using anger.. she used that fear.
But I'm very thankful that it was NOT anger.
We took alot of things off the table that were either miscommunication or assumptions. She didn't want to put our wedding rings on the asset list. Praise God for that answered prayer as I didn't want to feel that part of my heart breaking.
However the issues that I thought she would have a problem with she did.
A big one is the cars. Her car is worth $6k more than mine. She feels that $6k shouldn't count against her because she was the breadwinner in LA and feels like since she paid for most of it, she should get it. She asked me if I understood why she felt that way.
I said that I did... but that I contributed to the marriage. I didn't make as much she did, I still made money. That the law sees our finances joined and at the time so did we.
The other thing is that she has been paying my health insurance since our separation. Even though she told me she would pay for it.
She said she did it at the time because she cared about me and wanted to make sure I was taken care of. I felt like that was a dig so I backslid and said "well the separation cause financial hardships on me as well.. I didn't really want to pay extra rent for the past 6 months (puts on my 2x4 helmet protector).
I guess the appropriate feeling would have been - well if you did it because you care - why are you asking for payment for your kindess..
Other than that we did ok. She did accuse me of "f-ing her over, but she apologized immediately. That is a change for her. I applauded loudly.
As we moved further down the list - and I kept bringing up the law and the fact that a marriage is 50/50.. which is something we both agreed on.. it got harder and harder.
(keeps 2x4 hat protector on) And that's when I stopped being calm and started getting emotional. I cried and said that I hated seeing her hurt. That doing this didn't give me pleasure, that knowing she will suffer so it can be fair didn't sit awesome with me.
I mentioned that mediation is supposed to be about the numbers but we both have alot of emotion. I admitted I didn't know what to do about that.
But I saw it coming. I felt the urge to protect her. First I handed over a painting that was dear to her, then on an older TV that cost more even though it's a crappier quality than my 52 inch.
But then I started considering stupid stuff like the car and medical insurance and that's when I stopped it and said I'm protecting ONLY her now and not me by thinking that.
Hooray to growth.
So we shelved it. Said we would look over everything, process everything and meet in two weeks. In the end, she hasn't really compromised on anything I asked.. For now I will assume that is because she didn't think this through so she had no idea how to split things, therefore she needs time to process this all. She needs time to process her consequence.
Outside she asked if I was ok, I said yes. I asked her if she was ok.. she just said that it was hard and she felt tense. I validated.
Then she asked me for a hug and if that was ok. I said yes and I hugged her deeply and her me.
I stuck to my word and kept things off the list that didn't matter to me or that I considered a gift to her. Other than the rent comment, I did not react, get anger, or take any of the bait.
I hold firm to my belief that marriage is 50/50 regardless on if that hurts me or her. I held firm the rights we both possess by law.
I let her see/feel the consequences of her action... for the most part.
And I walked out of there with my head high. I felt that I loved her but more importantly that I loved me!! (high five).
I have more to say about things I learned about w, me and our r but this post is incredibly long as it is.
If you made it through to the end.. I applaud you.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
And will process it more before being specific...only a few "L" comments
* if the worst that she can do is pay half, and you are requesting that,
then what does she have to lose by NOT mediating? Why shouldn't she fight for more, strategically speaking?
Oh, and if you are going to count assets jointly as 50/50
then why isn't it fair to count contributions that way too? (I.e. the health insurance...)
as for your increased rent, good point, except,
HER rent went up too
(and fault is legally irrelevant).
Well, enough for now. I got too specific too soon,
sorry
Val
you're brilliant to wait 2 weeks and to have gotten through this with "a starter's mindset"...and you didn't lose it, actually neither of you did so
kudos to both of you for that.
All in all, I'd have to say very well done.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
