You all are so wonderful. It boggles my mind how much you all have helped me and I've never met you in person. I could pass you on the street and never know....
So, MC went pretty well. The T totally agrees that I should not move in at this point. H make a big stink about it. The T and I both said over and over that it's a step in the right direction and is not meant to punish him and that we still have a lot of things to work on before I move in. He's just not seeing it right now. She and I both suggested he talk it over with his IC. He's just freaking out about it.
I even told him I love him, I want to be his wife, but at this point there is still a lot of work we need to do. I could move back in now and things would pick up right where they left off... but clearly that wasn't working for us. Even if he hadn't been "crazy and brainwashed" we each had things tugging at us to which we turned a blind eye (P.S. he's also irritated with those who contributed to the brainwashing. Primarily male friends of his that told him that life was over after you have children).
When he said he didn't understand why I didn't want to move home if things are going so well I said, "well, you haven't told me you love me, it doesn't appear you're ready to tell me that, you don't wear your wedding ring (this was always something important to him), and you said there's no 'spark'" H: Well, maybe there's a little spark.... M: Ok, but you still won't initiate anything sexual with me (SIDE NOTE: He's like REALLY freaked out about my new role as a mom. It's like he thinks my boobs are going to squirt him in the face if he looks at them much less try to touch them). H: Well why should I if you won't move home?
I refused to get into the circular reasoning argument with him.
Another reason I'm not ready to move home. When he gets backed into a corner he still becomes super bullheaded and irrational. Again, not looking to have 2 children at this point in my life....
Speaking of children....
I did bring that up as another issue. He had said in recent months that he didn't want any more kids and if we did, it wouldn't be for at least another 5 years. Well, in my opinion, that wouldn't give D the full benefit of a sibling. In birth order research, it is believed that children with more than 5 years apart in age virtually "start over" the birth order cycle. So if there's 5 years or more between child one and child two, then it's almost like having two only-child children. And they don't really have a "typical" sibling relationship.
Anyhow, I brought this up again because it's a major thing to me. He gave the same answer again. I gave the same research driven argument stated above. He gave me the weirdest response:
"Well, if there were a way to combine my sperm and your egg, but you not actually go through the pregnancy, then that would be ok I guess."
How f-ing weird is that? I had physically the easiest pregnancy ever. The doctor literally told me "you are made for making babies". I brought this up to the MC. She asked him if it made him uncomfortable seeing my body change so radically. He just kind of mumbled that it did.
The biggest thing in MC also had to do with the pregnancy. I talked about how I want to cry when I see pregnant women (and thank you, GM, for the validation. It's crappy you had to go through BS during your pregnancy too, but I'm glad we've got each other in the crappy-preggo-club) and told her that was a major reason that I didn't want to move home yet is I still need to do work to get over that loss. I said I still have not mourned it, and then the T and I noticed H beginning to tear up: T: H, you look like you're tearing up. How do you feel about what she's saying? H: I feel awful I put her through that. But I missed it too. M: You missed what? The pregnancy? H: Yeah. T: So you're saying it was a loss for you too? H: :::shakes head yes::: T: You wish you had been able to experience it too? H: :::shakes head and cries::: T: I think that's a really big breakthrough that you shared that. M: Yes, I had no idea. I had never thought about it being a loss for you too, but it was.
And it made me think back to when we were talking about kids seriously and every time he would see a pregnant woman, he would point her out to me and smile.
And then he said he wanted to have another baby in 2-3 years.
And if all goes according to plan, I do too.
It's like CS said, I just need more time and consistency to equal the amount of trust I would like to have in him before I move home. I'm a pretty forgiving, trusting person. So I don't think this will take too much time (at least not compared to the average person given the circumstances).
I at least want to hear that he loves me. And it's not like he's one of those "I never say those words" kind of man. He used to tell me all the time.
