exBF is no longer coming here. We have MC tonight at 5:30 but I don't know if he's going (I didn't check in with him today).
I told him on Saturday to just go and I'd put D to bed.
This was after that earlier fiasco that started last Thursday and ended with me going to the police at the urgings of two friends after he took D against my wishes. I came home with a pamphlet on domestic violence (the emotional part of it oddly fit my sitch) and he found it on my bed and walked out. He said he's not coming back and now wants to go to court.
This doesn't surprise me that things have escalated. He can't seem to keep his cool for more than a week if that. Funny how things have changed.
I'm a week into weaning D and things are going much better for me (emotionally and mentally already). I also am meeting with a new IC/coach a friend recommended and she is CREAM OF THE CROP AMAZING.... it's like she's customized to me - she teaches me about boundaries, - wow, so much. I just had one session with her and it rocked my world.
She also gave me insight into a lot of exBF's behaviors, like how this all went down back in the spring when I had made the decision to change my own behavior rather than pointing the finger at my WABF - it changed my life when I decided that (this was after I found him talking to an ex-gf and admitting to frequent porn use - and we had not been having sex and had a lot of emotional distance) - he is a major distancer and has talked about space this whole R - which kicked up my abandonment stuff, but I am finally getting a handle on that.
She said that when I made that turnaround, I went to him and asked that he stop the sarcasm he was so accustomed to putting on me (along with constant jabs, cursing, etc.) and he said "I'm done" -
She said putting that limit on him caused him to start punishing me; and it's literally been that way every since.
She told me what healthy R's look like and how things would have looked had I better boundaries, etc. She also gave me some tips and book titles on co-addicted Rs.
And we're now talking about D and how this is a bad sitch for her, but I can't change it - I can only make it better. And that I can't change him or keep her from him, but I can model healthy behavior and one day show her/teach her how to set boundaries with her daddy since he is walking the path of potential enmeshment with her, which upsets me.
But this was all in one session, so I'm excited to continue.
Right now, I'm on my own. exBF hasn't seen D since Sat. and will see her Thurs. This will be the longest time any of us have been separated - but she hasn't been asking about him.
He emailed me ysterday about a xmas present he bought her and said he'd call - he texted, and he called, but she was in bed.
I feel like this space might do all of us some good - though I don't want to seem like I'm "punishing" him - though I just lost potentially 20 hours a week of his "help" since he was staying over and putting her to bed at night/waking with her in the morning.
I'm exhausted but more energized. I outlined the ways I imagined he can "take" from me and have power, and I'm working on taking that power back.
I do miss having even a wee bit of downtime, though. And I'm just living day to day - not sure what's gonna happen, still haven't seen money from him and in two weeks will file for child support if I don't see the 9k he owes me by now. (Well, not "owes" but said he'd give.)
This was after that earlier fiasco that started last Thursday and ended with me going to the police at the urgings of two friends after he took D against my wishes.
Ummmm...wow. A father who has EQUAL RIGHTS to his daughter decides to go somewhere with her and because it's not what and when YOU want him to do so, you go to the POLICE? I don't blame him for wanting to go through the courts - if I were him I would see you as a very very dangerous loose cannon. He needs to get some court-ordered visitation ASAP to protect himself from YOU. And he needs to have as little as possible to do with you before you start accusing him of abuse. (If I were advising him, I would tell him to never be alone in a room with you again, so that he always has a witness who can testify that he didn't abuse you).
Seriously, Lola - he's not abusive just because he doesn't want to play along anymore with your extremely controlling ways where D is concerned. He shouldn't be treated like he's stealing his own daughter just because he has a different idea than you.
And if he hadn't been trying so hard to cooperate with you, he would have gone to court long ago, gotten 2 nights a week and every other weekend, and would have been taking her for all those times to his place. THAT'S REALITY.
I suggest you reassure him promptly about that whole abuse pamphlet before he feels compelled to try for full custody. I am sure right now he sees you as very dangerous, perhaps as the kind of woman who would make false claims of abuse in order to keep him from seeing his daughter. From a strictly tactical point of view, it would be a good idea for you to defuse that notion.
Yeah, maybe he wasn't the nicest guy to you. But you definitely were not the nicest woman to him either.
I'm not sure what kind of abuse you're talking about, KML, or why you need to make so many accusations and assumptions.
But just to be clear, emotional abuse? He hit 6 of them. (Out of 9 - ). I casually went to the police after being in a vulnerable place after he threatened me and tore through our house.
What you need to understand is that I could have, and possibly should have, called the cops at the point with which he was barging through a door, stuffing D's stuff in bags, and telling me he has audio recordings of me and is going to court. OUT OF NOWHERE.
Please don't put him in a victim role any more than he already puts himself in a victim role. He did not come to me and say "I'm taking D up to the lake house" - nor did he call, talk to me about it, anything. He even admitted in MC tonight that it's something WE TALKED ABOUT NOT DOING YET. He said that. He knew he did it to piss me off. HE EVEN BLAMED ME IN MC -
I had gotten upset about something the night before and instead of going to him with it I said "I'm going out for a drive" and I did and just talked myself through it.
Different, eh?
He used THAT as the reason why he "just couldn't take it anymore, got fed up, and took d to the lake house even though he knows that's not what we talked about."
I reassured him - .... that night, the next morning, in therapy tonight, after therapy tonight, and on the phone - again.
Have I ever called the police on you? Am I dragging you to court? Am I preventing you from seeing D? I want NOTHING MORE than D to have an R with you b/c I know it's important TO HER - despite my misgivings with you.
Much more than most people can say.
Does it occur to him that storming through our house and threatening me and barging through doors is an intimidation tactic and considered emotional abuse?
I walked back out of the police station, they handed me something. I thought the better of it.
I really wonder when exBF is going to take a good look at himself and what he wants -
I'll remind you that I'm still here, caring for D now 100% of the time since he bailed - yet again. With no money from him. While he lives far far away b/c he couldn't afford to live in this town but wants me to stay here - even though I can't afford to ... and threatens me if I talk about moving with D.
The threats have go to stop. I'm in MC talking about how I can say "no" to him about something without him threatening, hiding, bailing, getting another apartment, etc.
The new IC even said it - the minute you put a limit on him he punishes you.
Do you have any idea what it's like dealing with THAT?
I don't even honestly know why I come on here anymore. Why the focus is ALWAYS on my behavior. Which - to be quite honest - was nothing short of realistic and contained this past week. I was horribly upset, and showed him none of it.
The MC told him tonight this is all his fears getting the best of him.
I know why the focus is always on my behavior, yes. I didn't mean it that way. That's all I can focus on. But even after one solid month now of not opening my mouth, doing at least 5 solid 180s, and even telling him the other night I was going for a drive (which he got mad at - apparently I can never be anything short of constantly happy around him), this is still somehow me being the psycho.
Sorry. I don't buy it for a second. He's really got everyone fooled with this one. And it's too too bad; it's only going to end up hurting D.
He admitted tonight in MC that this is all the same stuff his parents did - with money, etc. He goes "I remember now and I look at it differently" - that divorced f-ed up his LIFE - and he is repeating that behavior to a T....
I never went through divorce. From day 1, I have wanted peaceful co-parenting and am finally able to say I want to put our issues aside and do this. (in the past month - and this whole thing started a month ago).
But, yeah, I should be sued to lose my child. Wow, KML, I really hope you can stand behind that statement ...
I am not saying you SHOULD be sued, I am saying that if he perceives your behavior as threatening enough, HE MAY sue for full custody. And I was advising you, as a STRATEGIC maneuver, to back down from the abuse/ cops stuff.
And you don't go "casually" to the cops!!! It was a complete over-reaction on your part.
XBF is fooling no one here. He has never posted. We base our opinions of YOUR actions and choices based upon YOUR OWN descriptions of them. You spend a lot of time apparently trying to fool yourself and convince us to go along with you. The thing is, from here, your behavior looks pretty OOC and you are pretty darn all over the place. You hear the three words that you want to hear and reject the other 100. To make progress, focus on the ones you ignore.
KML, it was casual. I calmly walked to the police station (2 blocks from where I live) after hours of thought - your last post was felt pretty reactive to me. I don't think it was helpful. And if it was intended to be - and not belittling to me- perhaps you might have phrased it differently.
The officer said, "Is he physical with you"? I said no. He handed that to me.
I'm not going to argue this with you guys anymore. I'll post later.
There's nothing "scary" about behaving in a way that protects myself and my interests after someone comes storming in my house and threatening... is there? Am I missing something?
And the truth is - I did *nothing* - didn't call the cops, didn't threaten him, didn't do anything with the cops, except ask questions *for my information* and left - if that's not "casual" what is that? It's certainly not hysterical.
I'm on here. Listening. I just don't get the constant misunderstanding of the facts.
