Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[25yearsmlc]

be careful about the going back to work issue bc he wants that of you so he will pay less and he'll imagine you earn more than you will...

So you go to work, and then your kids will see both of you less...

(But yes, someday--post settlement-- YOU do have to be able to support yourself, as do most women, even if we are married...these days it's tough to depend on one income only)

as for the Rest of this stuff...

The way you listed the m history, seems a lot like score keeping to me and that's not going to help you with the anger.

It's going to keep you mired in it. So lose the scorecards...

Don't measure or time the "sins" and wrongs...or even keep track of them...

what matters is going from this day forward, (not looking backwards so much)

* he seems to want out AND

*you are in financial straits. So that means you have to care about money matters with his new secret credit cards... and that means you have to protect yourself.

your h feels fine about your going going back to work b/c in his fantasy, he'll send you a check, see the kids at his leisure, and he and OW will have a happy blended family sometimes...and private couple time sometimes...

Do I think he's going to have problems with her later? Sure...he wasn't flawless and he's done no personal work on himself so those problems will resurface even if in a slightly different form...

but it will take awhile before the problems manifest b/c for now all their problems can be blamed on the logistical obstacles they have just being together.

Protect yourself, back off and be as pleasant but strong as you can be.

Contrast the negative images/justifications he used to leave you, with the new positive images of you.

Lose the anger in front of him, please. It only validates his reasons for leaving you. Do you get that? It is key. IF you must convey something negative to him say it in the world's calmest voice.

In his mind it's easier to simply start over with OW than to fix things with you two and besides, he fears if he reconciles you are either still angry at him "like always" and or

that he'll lose the "fun magic" he feels with her and

you will revert back to your angry ways, which he also knows, he partly deserves...

so he's between a rock and a hard place in some ways. As are you...

I understand your need for movement of some kind. But the anger is consuming you and I've been there.

When you let go of that anger, you free YOURSELF...you become happier.
one thing at a time.

BTW, what kind of father was he before OW? I know you had problems with anger.

But What were they mostly centered around?

Were you negatively programmed and cranky or did he deliberately do things that bothered you?

Either way, the anger is not helping you. And i think his claims that he "was going" to come back ring hollow to me. Why'd he keep them secret til after the fact?

It's a way to punish you with falsehoods and the only leverage he has, which is dangling a carrot in front of you only to say you don't get to have it.

I'd say ignore that. IF he wants to come home, he can tell you.

I'm torn about the in laws not knowing anything...I never advise exposing Affairs b/c it nearly always backfires and makes you look manipulative and punitive (and it usually IS punitive and manipulative)...

but in this case you are covering for him...and he's lying...Not cool.

Ask the DB coach about that piece of this. AND

hang in there...


((( )))