Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

OK... Trying to get off my soap box and be more objective with both my Hs and my actions since we separated.

What have Hs actions been in the last 10 months?
- told me he wasn't in love with me and left after an argument
- has told everyone I kicked him out of the house and that he is done being in an abusive relationshp with an angry wife for 13 years
- started an EA with OW 2 almost 2 months before he left
- started dating (as far as I can tell) less than a month after he left
- comes and goes to our house and visiting kids as his schedule and needs permit (work, friends, dates, OW, softball, etc.)
- claims to be miserable, living alone, missing kids and family terribly, just working non-stop in trying to stop our finacial mess
- spends money on furnishing and decorating our previous home to make it a bachelor pad where he brings OW...
- has taken out 2 credit cards behind my back - finally admitted he doesn't want me to see how he spends HIS money
- admitted being in love with OW just 5 days after our son was born
- refuses to set a clear visitation schedule with me
- refuses to work on a budget with me (previous home is going to short-sale or foreclosure and if we continue this spending trend, we'll lose our house, where I live with kids)
- claims I don't want to go back to work now to have a good life (our Ds are really struggling and S is still not sleeping thru the night...)
- Has admitted he is just waiting for me to get back to work and short sale previous home to file for D
- admits noticing changes in me, but still concerned about my anger
- asked that I see a psychiatrist, but offered no change or course of action for him to work on our R
- sees nothing wrong in dating - we are separated, not married anymore
- has said he has thought a lot about coming back. Then retracts and says he has never done anything to get my hopes up or to indicate that he wants anything to do with me


What have MY actions been in last 10 months?
- When H told me NILWY, I said during argument "if you don't love me, why don't you move out?" (H says I kicked him out of the house)
- I was angry, hurtful and vindictive the first month he had left
- Hit rock bottom and started dealing with my anger
- apologized to H, asked him for a chance, to move back - he denied
- Started marriage counseling
- Started doing 180s in our R
- Immediately stopped working 12-14 hrs /day to be home by 6:30. Have not been late 1 day since December
- Did not pressure H or guilt him because I was pregnant
- Kept an open door policy to make him see what our new family life would be and hope he would miss our home
- given him open door access to our home and kids visitation
- have been a friend for him when sick, depressed, happy, etc.
- Had made progress in our R and interactions until his R with OW intensified three months ago.
- Huge backsliding since then - more frequent arguing and letting anything related to OW trigger me
- I have worked on GAL - exercising, seeing friends, focusing on kids, working on my anger, etc.
- Made a budget for me and kids - tried to save money and reduce expenses wherever I can (currently my only personal expense outside of essentials is my DB coach)
- Not pressured H re. finances - even at the conscious risk of losing everything and ending bankrupt
- Not asking him to come back, until this past weekend
- Have not exposed his affair evne though he has been telling diff. stories to everyone - work, family, friends, etc.
- saw lawyer last week to understand what I would the finacial settlement may look like if H files for D
- I now want to set some clear boundaries with H - set visitation schedule and financial responsibilities. Since I have not been able to convince him to work with me on that, I might need to file for legal Separation to enforce these two...
- I have no money to pay for Ls retainer, unless I take it from our joint checking account - we'll miss mortgage payments and not have enough to cover essential expenses if I do so.
- Will talk to sister to see if I can borrow $ from her until I get back to work
- I am also considering the two options - 1) firing nanny and staying at home with kids until they are more emotionally stable (H has been VERY clear he wants me back working asap) 2) getting back to work and using my paychecks to pay for lawyer...but what about my kids
- i am losing all my strength and will-power, getting more and more angry at my sitch - i am now also backsliding in MY OWN PROGRESS re. my anger.
- I am researching a psychologist (NOT a psychiatrist) that specializes in anger management... I would probably have to give up my DB coach - cannot afford both, actually probably cannot afford either, but I cannot afford not to take care of myself!

what next?
- my db coach suggested on Thursday to go as dark as I can (given the fact that we have 3 kids under the age of 4...)
- i am considering filing myself, i realize i am not making any progress with H and this roller coaster hinders my personal growth

???